10 things never to say with someone dealing with mental health issues.

10 thlngs not to say
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Here are 10 things never to say with someone dealing with mental health issues

I can’t find the quote or source, but it goes something like this: “Some people pretend to be sick. Those with mental health issues pretend to be well.”

Depression, anxiety, fears … they are part of the human experience. Fact is, there are many, many people who deal with these issues on a daily basis, and you’d never know it.

These are diseases, and should be treated as such.

But – if you have a friend or loved one who deals with mental health challenges, I’ve seen that people often mean well, but are clueless when it comes to what to say.

Here’s my own list of ten things not to say:

  1. “It’s all in your head.” Well, it is. Sort of. While some mental health issues are due to dysfunctional thinking, there are a whole host of physical components that can play into it. The phrase “chemical imbalance” is tossed around casually, but the roots of mental illness can often be found in something going on internally, and not necessarily in “your head.”
  2. “It’s not as bad as it seems.” Guess what – what is no big deal for one person can be absolutely crippling for another. What you’re saying with that phrase is “my worldview is better than yours.” I mean. Really?
  3. “I know what you mean. I had to turn the TV off because what I saw on the news and it was depressing me.” Okay, props for trying to find a point of identification. This attempt at relating to what your loved one is going through is kind-hearted, but also misguided. It implies that those two things are the same or of similar consequence and minimizes their pain.
  4. “There are plenty of people in worse condition than you.” That’s great – how about encouraging someone by comparing them to someone else? That’s so wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start. For all of us – comparing yourself to others can mess you up. How about focusing on what makes you unique?
  5. “Are you okay?” That sounds pretty innocuous, and isn’t really too bad. The danger is that it puts the other person in a place where they’re almost obligated to say “I’m fine,” when that isn’t the case. It also implies that the person needs to get better immediately, and mental health issues seldom have a quick fix. I’ve gotten to where I respond “No, I’m not okay!” That effectively ends the conversation. Honesty and candor can do that.
  6. “You have so much to be thankful for.” And that, of course, is true. Problem is that you can be thankful and hurting at the same time. We as believers are supernaturally blessed, but we are not exempt from spending some parallel time in some dark places. That phrase implies that if you were really consistently thankful, you wouldn’t feel the way you do.
  7. “Get over it.” Hey, thanks for displaying some grace and mercy.
  8. “Things could be worse.” This is a companion to #5. It’s like saying, “Fred lost his job, got diagnosed with cancer, and ran over his cat.” If you’ve never dealt with mental illness personally, then it’s hard for you to understand that depression, anxiety, etc., don’t necessarily have to have triggers. They just are.
  9. “Just be positive.” And while you’re at it, tell someone with diabetes to “think happy thoughts” instead of taking their insulin. If it were only that simple.
  10. “Have you prayed about it?” The implication here for the believer is “you must not have prayed, or else God would have delivered you, so your faith is weak.” My response is to take a look at scripture, for starters – check out words from David, Elijah, and other godly people. And understand, too, that God is the Great Physician, all healing ultimately comes from Him, but He has all sorts of healing tools at His disposal – proper counseling and medications, for example.

10 things not to say

Finally, I’ll share some things I’ve heard that are helpful:

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Talk to me. I’m listening.”

“Would you like to talk about what you’re going through? Or is there someone else you’d be comfortable talking to?”

“I am proud of you for getting the support you need.”

“What can I do to help?”

“I am there for you, you’re not alone in this.”

“You are important to me.”

“I love you.”

Talk later!

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