On October 16, 2016, I gave up worrying.

Reason? It didn’t seem to help.

That’s not to say that I don’t have other issues. Depression is my kryptonite. Migraine medicine and my “happy pills,” plus a total dependence on God who raises up medical professionals, keeps me in a good place … most of the time. I believe modern medicine can be a gift from God – it’s just another tool in His box to bring about healing, and that’s what I was looking for.

Regarding the worry thing: In October of 2016 I found myself bent out of shape, and these years later I don’t even remember what the issues were. I just know that they were awful. I needed a breakthrough, and I knew God alone could facilitate that.

So, I got my tent and went out to Timberlake Campground on the Ross Barnett Reservoir, which is about three miles from our house. I packed my clothes, sleeping bag, air mattress, and some basic provisions. My intent was to lay myself before God and say, “Okay, Lord, it’s just you and me. Let’s do this. I’m open and available.”

Because we have a gracious God, He blessed. I won’t go into the details – I know sometimes getting a few words out of me is like getting a drink of water from a fire hydrant – but I can say that over a couple of nights He moved me through a process of discovery and renewal. Healing and deliverance, if you will.

If you’re prone to worry and anxiety, here’s some of what I’ve learned. I journaled through this whole process. I’d be quick to say that if you are in a dark and desperate place, get some professional help. The stigma that used to be so prevalent – even among Christians! – of getting proper counseling and other medical attention is going away.

It’s often said that our life is shaped not just by our actions, but by our thoughts. As believers, we understand this goes deeper than simple psychology; it’s a principle that’s woven into the fabric of spiritual truths. The Bible reflects this in Proverbs 23:7, “As he thinks in his heart, so is he.” This is more than an observation—it’s a call to action for each of us to master our minds.

But in today’s world, it’s easy to find our thoughts drenched in worry. Concerns about health, finances, family, and the future can dominate our mental landscape. However, if “you become what you think about,” then constantly worrying can transform these temporary thoughts into permanent shadows over our lives.

The Trap of Worry
Worry is a tricky beast. It masquerades as “being responsible” or “just being realistic,” but it’s often an unnecessary burden. It saps our energy, reduces our effectiveness, and if left unchecked, can reshape who we are. Jesus Himself addressed this in Matthew 6:27, asking, “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” The rhetorical question highlights a profound truth: worry adds nothing but takes much.

Redirecting Our Thoughts
So, how do we combat this incessant worry? The key lies in redirecting our thoughts from what can go wrong to what can go right, and more importantly, to what is eternal. Note, too, that there is a difference between worry and legitimate concern. If it’s 2 a.m. and you don’t know where your 15-year-old daughter is and you can’t contact her, you’d best be concerned!

Count Your Blessings: Start by acknowledging the good. Make it a daily habit to identify things you’re grateful for. Gratitude is more than just a feel-good exercise; it’s a powerful way to change your thought patterns from pessimism to optimism.

Stay Present: Worry often pulls us into the past or catapults us into the future. Staying present helps us to engage with the here and now. Practicing mindfulness can help maintain a focus on the present moment rather than the uncertainties of tomorrow.

Lean on Scripture: Philippians 4:8 instructs, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” This is not just advice; it’s a prescription for mental health. Filling your mind with God’s truth can transform your perspective.

Building a Fortress of Faith
Building our thought life doesn’t happen overnight. It requires diligence and a proactive approach towards what we allow to dwell in our hearts and minds. Remember, the mind is a battlefield, and as 2 Corinthians 10:5 teaches us, we are to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” This isn’t just defensive strategy; it’s an active, daily realignment of our thoughts with God’s truth.

Living What You Believe
Ultimately, mastering worry means aligning our thoughts with our faith. It’s living out the truth that God is sovereign, and He holds our days in His hands. When we truly believe that, our worries start to lose their grip on us. This doesn’t mean we won’t have concerns or that we ignore the realities of life. Rather, it means we face them with faith, not fear, knowing our thoughts are in line with God’s promises.

As we start to focus more on God’s truth and less on our worries, our lives can’t help but start to reflect the peace and purpose we read about in the Scriptures. Remember, “you become what you think about.” By focusing on God’s promises and truths, we can reshape our minds and, consequently, our lives. Let’s choose to fill our thoughts with what builds us up, not what tears us down.

We were in Laurel last week, visiting with the grandkids, Katherine and Levi, and their expendable parents. (If you’re a grandparent, I don’t need to explain. Katherine and Levi’s parents just tend to get in the way of our fun.)

Katherine and Levi would rather eat at Waffle House than any other restaurant in the Western Hemisphere. I get that. It’s one of our all-time guilty pleasures. Waffle House is one of the great levelers of society — where else will you see neurosurgeons and sod layers eating together and know that everyone will be treated the same? Scattered, smothered, and covered — that’s my hash brown preference, in case you’re taking notes.

When we have the grandkids at our house, we serve them what I call a “syrup-based breakfast.” That means either pancakes or waffles, with about a pound of bacon for each kid. That’s pretty much what they’ll opt for at Waffle House too, anytime of the day, although Levi has branched out into hash browns. I’m trying to teach him to appreciate the finer things in life. “Papa,” he said, “you’re the best cook in the galaxy.” That’s pretty high praise, but I aspire to the “best cook in the universe.” I guess that gives me room to grow.

At the Laurel Waffle House — which was as cold as a morgue — we all opted to sit at the counter (aka the “high bar”), which looks into the kitchen. We all enjoy watching the grill jockeys at work — it’s like redneck hibachi.

Sitting at the counter next to us was an older gentleman (actually, he may have been younger than me, but he sure looked old.) He had on a weathered camo jacket covered with patriotic patches — flags, eagles, all that. He had on a ball cap with a political slogan on it. He was unshaved, clean, but still sort of disheveled. He was wearing Eisenhower-era hearing aids.

Our server was very cheerful, attractive, and had this multi-megawatt smile. She was also chatty, which is probably a prerequisite for working at Waffle House.

I obliquely noticed that the other gentleman was paying her more-than-casual attention. There was some low-level flirting going on as he sipped his coffee, which is all he’d ordered.

I wasn’t eavesdropping, at least not intentionally. At one point, our server asked him, “Do you enjoy watching me work?” He just beamed — I think he enjoyed the attention.

A bit later, he asked, “What time do you get off work?

Our server rolled with it. “At 6, but why do you want to know?” She was cordial, and smiling, but there was no question that he’d trespassed a bit too far.

He seemed to know that he’d crossed a line. “Uh, well, I was just wondering.” He began studying the last of his coffee.

That was pretty much it. He soon paid for his coffee and left. Our server watched him as he walked out the door. He was limping a little.

I couldn’t help myself. “That was a bit uncomfortable, wasn’t it?” I asked my server. Not that I would ever judge, but he sure didn’t seem her type.

She smiled wanly. “Not really,” she said. “He’s in here a lot. He’s just a lonely old man.”

I don’t know why that struck me. Everyone has a story. I didn’t know his. I may have been judgmental. Maybe I assumed he was a creep.

Since then I’ve been thinking about loneliness. Being alone isn’t a bad thing necessarily, but being lonely isn’t necessarily good.

As followers of Christ, we’re called to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), yet in doing so, it’s vital to understand the nuance between being alone and being lonely, as they’re not always the same thing.

Being Alone vs. Being Lonely

Firstly, being alone is a physical state, where a person may not have others around them. It’s a solitude that can be sought after for peace, prayer, and reflection. Jesus Himself sought solitude to pray (Luke 5:16), showing that being alone can be a positive, rejuvenating experience.

On the flip side, being lonely is an emotional state — a feeling of being disconnected, unseen, or unloved, regardless of how many people are around. Loneliness can be more daunting to navigate because it’s not about the physical absence of people but the perceived absence of meaningful connections. So if we feel led, how do we address this when we see this in other people? And do we sometimes need to mind our own business? It’s complicated.

Reaching Out from a Christian Worldview

Pray First: Before you do anything, pray. Ask God for guidance, sensitivity, and the right words. Your outreach should be a reflection of God’s love, and what better way to ensure this than to start with Him?

Be Present: Sometimes, the best way to reach out is simply to be there. Presence can speak louder than words. Offer your time and attention. Whether it’s sitting quietly with someone, listening to them, or engaging in an activity together, your presence can remind them that they’re valued and loved.

Listen with Love: Often, people who are lonely just need someone to listen — really listen — to them. Listening is a form of love that validates someone’s feelings and experiences. When you listen, do so with the intention of understanding, not fixing. Remember, Job’s friends sat with him in silence for seven days before speaking (Job 2:13), showing the power of presence over words.

Share God’s Word in a Gentle Way: The Bible is full of verses about God’s love, presence, and care for us. Sharing a scripture can be incredibly comforting. However, be sensitive to timing and receptivity. Sometimes, it’s more about living out God’s Word through your actions than quoting it.

Invite, Don’t Impose: Invite them to activities, church events, or even just for coffee. However, respect their decision if they’re not ready to engage. Loneliness can make it hard for some to step out, so be patient and keep extending the invitation without pressure.

Encourage Connections: Sometimes, helping someone out of loneliness means helping them connect with others. Introduce them to groups, clubs, or gatherings where they might find like-minded individuals. Encourage involvement in community or church activities where they can form meaningful relationships.

Follow Up: Reaching out once can make a difference, but ongoing support can change a life. Check in regularly. A simple text, call, or note can remind them that they are not forgotten. Consistency shows genuine care.

Reaching out to someone who’s lonely is a call to embody Christ’s love in the most practical of ways. It’s about being a friend, a listener, and a beacon of God’s love. Remember, loneliness doesn’t resolve overnight. It’s in the persistent, gentle reaching out that hearts are touched and lives are changed.

Through such acts of love and kindness, we not only address the loneliness in others but also reflect the love of Christ, who promised never to leave us nor forsake us. In doing so, we fulfill one of the most beautiful aspects of our faith: sharing God’s unconditional love with those who feel most disconnected from it. Let’s not underestimate the power of reaching out, for in the tapestry of humanity, every thread is essential, and every connection matters.

I’m preaching to myself this morning, and thought I’d let you be part of my one-person congregation.

Here’s what is true. You are carrying a burden that gnaws at your mind and heart. It’s heavy, isn’t it? That feeling of something being not quite right, of decisions left unmade or actions not taken. This burden? You know it well because, truth be told, it’s self-inflicted. You know what to do but won’t do it. It’s like knowing the path but refusing to walk it. And I get it. We’ve all been there.

But here’s the thing about this burden – it’s corrupting your life, your relationships, everything. It’s like a little bit of rust that, left unchecked, weakens the strongest metal. It’s not just about you anymore; it’s about how this burden spills over into every interaction, every relationship. It might start small, but it has a way of growing, doesn’t it?

Now, let’s pause for a second. I know this sounds serious but hold on. Here comes the good part. Listen closely. In Christ, you have nothing to hide. You see, those things we bury deep inside, those mistakes or regrets we’re afraid to face, in Christ, they’re out in the open – and yet, we’re safe. There’s no need to put on a mask, to pretend to be someone you’re not.

Nothing to prove. That relentless drive to show the world how capable, how successful, or how unbothered we are? In Christ, that pressure is off. You’re already valued, loved, more than you know. It’s not about what you do; it’s about who you are in Him.

Nothing to fear. This is a big one. Fear can be paralyzing – fear of failure, of rejection, of the unknown. But in Christ, fear loses its grip. It’s like stepping out into a storm and realizing you’re not alone, and the one who’s with you can calm the wind and the waves.

And finally, nothing to lose. In a world where we’re constantly told to protect our assets, our status, our egos, it’s liberating to know that in Christ, what truly matters can’t be taken away. It’s a security that isn’t based on the shifting sands of circumstance but on the solid rock of His love and grace.

So, what’s the solution to this burden you’re carrying? It’s simple, yet profound. Repent. Obey. Repentance isn’t just about saying sorry; it’s about turning around, going a different way. It’s about choosing a path that leads to healing and wholeness. And obeying? It’s about aligning your steps, your heart, your life with His. It’s about taking those steps, even when they’re hard.

I just gave you and me the solution to basically every problem we have. He wants to make you whole again. It’s not just a nice thought; it’s a promise. A promise of a life filled with purpose, peace, and joy. A promise that no matter how far you’ve strayed, you’re never too far from His reach.

So, take a deep breath. Let go of that burden. Step into the light of His love. You’ve got this, not because of who you are, but because of who He is in you. And remember, in Christ, you truly have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, nothing to fear, and absolutely nothing to lose.

There is no shame to ask for prayer. I’m trying to work through my natural tendency to NOT ask.

Here’s the thing: I do not, not, not want to come across as needy, or craving attention or pity, or anything like that. 

You know the type. The person who is clingy, ill-adjusted, and needs to be the star in their autobiography. The person who would say, without irony, “It’s all about me.”

The flip side of this is scripture informs me that it’s absolutely appropriate to ask for prayer. That’s not being selfish. It’s being real. 

The Apostle Paul often asked his fellow believers to pray for him as he preached Christ. In his letter to the Christians at Corinth, Paul asked them to pray for him as he was constantly under duress for preaching Jesus (2 Corinthians 1:11).

Paul asked his fellow believers in Colossae to pray for him as he preached Christ: “At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison — that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak” (Colossians 4: 3-4, ESV).

We must not be ashamed of asking others to pray for us. Paul needed the prayers of his Christian family, we too need the prayers of our brothers and sisters. And those two passages I cited are just for starters – there are plenty more.

The reality is that I AM needy, and you are too. It’s out of that needful place that you and I can ask for prayer. 

I’m a case study in this. I’ve needed to ask for prayer in an acute, even desperate way the last couple of weeks. You’ll need to indulge me. 

Here’s background, and if you’ve heard all this before, feel free to skim it (yawn).

In June of 2018 I suffered a nasty concussion. At first it wasn’t too big of a deal – my eye swelled shut, I had stitches, but it all seemed pretty routine. CT scans and x-rays showed no head or brain damage, but I did have three broken ribs. About a week after the injury, I started getting headaches on the opposite side of my head from the impact site. Overnight I developed a sensitivity to light and sound. There were some cognitive issues – it’s like my brain was shrouded in fog. 

Worst of all was the deepest, darkest emotional funk you can imagine. Anxiety, depression, and what I characterized as “a sense of impending doom” became realities. It was/is perfectly awful. 

After another round of scans and x-rays, my internist – whom I love much – told me I had post-concussion syndrome. No, I’d never heard of it either. All my symptoms were textbook. The cure? Time. I was to be patient. It would “take time.” (I’ve heard that “take time” phrase so many times that I’m afraid the next time I hear it I’m gonna punch someone in the throat.) He also put me on a killer combo of depression/anxiety meds. 

Apparently PCS victims are prone to suicidal thoughts. Praise God that hasn’t been an issue. Since then, I’ve been to a chiropractor, I’ve tried acupuncture (which was actually pretty fun, but it didn’t really help), and talked to a counselor. All well and good. 

I’ve also been to a neurologist, and that’s been very encouraging. I’d had a migraine headache 24/7 – that was taking its toll – but again, she’s tinkered and experimented with several drugs and the headaches are more manageable.

About two weeks ago, the Apocalypse. 

The mother of all migraines, which would respond briefly to meds then come roaring back. It was taking a real toll not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

In full senior adult mode – we love to share our ailments, right? the wonderful Dr. Bridget Jones, neurologist par excellence, restricted me to the house for five days with orders to be still and quiet, which suited me just fine. Lots of couch time, limited screen time. 

The thing about brain injuries, at least in my case, is that they become part of a new normal. I’m not completely over it, it’s mostly manageable, but some days – whew. I feel as stupid as a sack of rocks, I can’t articulate what I want to say, and I generally just need to avoid people. It’s like living under a cloud. And people will say, “You look fine,” which sounds pretty good.

The thing is, it’s not like faking being sick to get out of school or work. I’ve been having to fake being well.

So, when the doc was able to work me in, which was a miracle in itself because she stays booked up months in advance, she took lots of time with me to make sure she knew what was going on. I got a toradol shot, which is a HUGELY amped-up NSAID, and I got some relief in less than a half hour.

She sent me home with this stuff called Reyvow. It’s not a narcotic – oddly enough, migraines don’t respond well to opioids – but I SWEAR, I’ve never taken anything like THIS. Yesterday morning, within about 15 minutes of taking it, I was in a zone I can’t even describe. The headache vanished. Poof. 

But the side effects … I MEAN. I was on the couch, and it was like someone had thrown a weighted blanket over me. I couldn’t move (well, I actually could, but didn’t want to!), and experienced something like euphoria. This lasted a while, and then, well, the rest of the day, I basically didn’t get off the couch. I just sort of hovered in a groggy haze. I’d googled the med and read reviews from others who’d taken it. Some folks hallucinated. Others went numb in their hands and feet. Scary, but it did what it was supposed to do. It’s a tradeoff.

I was warned several times to NOT attempt to drive. I get that. Instead of driving 2 miles to Walmart, I might end up in Memphis. And to not try to make any important decisions, which made sense … in my state, it would have been easy to put our house up for sale or something, and not know I did it. The nurse said, “Not only could you make bad decisions, you won’t KNOW you’re even making decisions.”

I went back to work a couple of days ago. I’m making it.

I needed to ask for prayer, and I did. God has honored those prayers from so many folks who have prayed.

Why am I sharing all this? It’s because I think you can relate.

Here me again – if you are in need of prayer, ask for prayer. Folks love to pray if they know of a need. It gives them an opportunity to put some feet to what they say they believe. 

One more thought. 

In a counseling session not long after I scrambled my head, I discovered that part of what I was experiencing was actual grief – grief for the old Tony and adapting to the new Tony. Once I realized what was going on – missing the old me – it brought things into perspective and sure helped a lot. I share this to say – be kind to others. Be kind to people who don’t see things as you do, or hold the same values as you. You simply don’t know what they’re facing or have faced. As I always say, “You don’t know their stories.” Don’t be reactionary and lump them in a category of “them” or “those ____”.

Everyone you have any contact with under any circumstances was made in the image of God, and if that isn’t reason enough for respect, I don’t know what is. Please be kind. Life is challenging enough as it is without you devaluing others. 

I just made myself cry. Talk later!

Where’s your faith? Mine is trying to play hide-and-seek.

Faith is an incredibly powerful force that can restore hope in the most challenging of times. The Bible teaches us that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). When we put our faith in God and trust in His plan, we can find the strength to persevere and overcome even the most difficult of situations.

There’s your clinical assessment of faith. Now. How can having faith be worked out in real-life terms?

I’ll admit that I woke up this morning and took a look at one of my aggregate news sites before getting in any Jesus time. That little exercise might have just skewed my whole day. Instead of basking in the love of Jesus, I saw – as if I didn’t know – just how awful this temporal world is. 

I thought that after we emerged from the death shroud of COVID, things would be better. Silly me. It’s still bad out there.

Faith, as Hebrews stated, is all about things we don’t see – the “not yet.” That encourages me, because I’m not too enthralled with the “right now.”

Faith involves trusting in God’s plan, and that requires that we surrender our own will and desires to Him. It means acknowledging that we may not always understand why things happen, but we trust that God has a purpose and a plan that is greater than our own.

God has a universal plan for all of creation. That’s good, but what lights my fire today is knowing that He has an individual, customized plan just for me.

But that “surrender” thing. That’s what trips me up. It’s because I can look at the world, internalize what I see, and end up a gibbering wreck. To what end?

Compound that with a loss of faith in other people. Look. I know folks will let you down and disappoint you. That reality doesn’t take the edge off the hurt, though. There are people I love, respect, and who walk with Jesus. Yet, in the last two or three years, their words and actions would lead me to believe that they’ve looked at their circumstances, evaluated the state of the world, and then factored God totally out of the essence of their lives. They speak as though things are hopeless, that people are beyond redemption, and then comfort themselves by lashing out at others. 

I don’t unfriend those people, but sometimes I want to avoid them. I’m not one to hang out frequently with folks who bleed my spirit dry. Just being honest, here.

Back to surrender: It occurs to me that what I’m speaking of above has a lot to do with me looking at temporal things and people, and then not letting God have all of me. I hold on to what I can see, which is turning out to be a moronic strategy. It’s not working for me. My faith has to be in what I can’t see.

This level of surrender and trust can be difficult, especially when we are faced with challenges that seem insurmountable. But it is precisely in these moments that our faith can be the most powerful.

I’m finding some grace from God by revisiting some familiar scriptures.

God can use even the difficult things in our lives for His glory and our ultimate good. For example, in the story of Joseph in Genesis, Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers and spent years in prison, but God used those difficult circumstances to elevate Joseph to a position of power in Egypt and ultimately save his family from famine.

When we trust in God’s plan, we can find hope even in the darkest of situations. In the book of Job, Job faced unimaginable loss and suffering, but even in the midst of his pain, he declared, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15). Job’s faith in God did not prevent him from experiencing pain, but it did give him the strength to persevere and ultimately be restored.

Trusting in God’s plan also requires patience. We may not always see immediate results or understand why certain things are happening, but we can trust that God is working behind the scenes. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

One of the most powerful examples of faith in action is found in the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These three men refused to bow down to a golden statue and were thrown into a fiery furnace as a result. But even in the midst of the flames, they declared, “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not (emphasis mine), be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up” (Daniel 3:17-18). Their faith in God’s ability to save them did not waiver, but even if He did not, they still trusted in His plan.

Let me give you eight bullets, some nuggets you can take away. These are simple and self-evident, but maybe basics are what we need:

1. Pray: Start by talking to God and sharing your feelings and concerns with Him. Ask Him for guidance and strength to trust in His plan, even when it’s difficult.
2. Study the Bible: Spend time reading and meditating on God’s word. Look for scriptures that speak to your situation and remind you of God’s faithfulness and promises.
3. Surrender: Surrender your will and desires to God. Acknowledge that His plan may be different from yours, but trust that His plan is perfect and good.
4. Practice Patience: Recognize that God’s timing may not be the same as yours. Practice patience and trust that He is working behind the scenes, even when you don’t see immediate results.
5. Look for the good: Look for the good in every situation, even when it’s difficult. Ask God to show you His purpose and plan, even in the midst of pain and suffering.
6. Connect with others: Connect with others who share your faith and can offer encouragement and support. Share your journey and ask for prayers.
7. Keep a gratitude journal: Write down things you are thankful for each day, no matter how small. Focusing on the positive can help shift your perspective and restore your hope.
8. Serve others: Look for opportunities to serve others and make a positive impact in their lives. Serving others can help you shift your focus from your own problems and remind you of the power of God’s love.

Trusting in God’s plan is a journey and may not happen overnight. But with consistent effort and practice, you can learn to trust in God’s plan and restore your hope in even the most difficult of situations.

Talk later.

I am struck this morning by how many people are living in fear.

 Disappointment. Show of hands – who enjoys being disappointed?

I don’t see any. I’m appalled. I thought everyone likes being disappointed and let down.

This, of course, is a poking the bear kind of question, and if you’ve read my stuff for any length of time, you know I have an agenda.

Disappointment is absolutely part of the whole package of life we have. Things are not going to go your way all the time, or even most of the time.

You’ve been let down by someone. Circumstances have smothered you. And, most assuredly, you’ve been disappointed in yourself because you were an idiot.

Fret not, reader. Let’s talk about recovering from disappointment. Disappointment doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Here are six thoughts about recovering from disappointment, in no particular order. I rather like these:

1 – Acknowledge your feelings.

Don’t pretend like everything is okay. It isn’t. You are disappointed. I’ll let you curate your own list of things that disappoint you; this thought applies to all of them.

You’re hurt, mad, confused, and bummed-out. I don’t intend to give you license to drag others into your little cesspool. Spare them. Talk about how you’re feeling with someone you trust and can show some empathy (as opposed to showing pity.) More on that later. 

The point: you are a hurtin’ puppy. Admit that to yourself. You are not some sort of wimp because you are feeling bad. 

You have to – appropriately! – allow yourself to feel and express the emotions that come with disappointment. That might include sadness, frustration, and flat-out anger. Be good with that.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  – Isaiah 41:10

2 – Practice self-care.

Our culture talks a lot about mindfulness. That’s good; it is entirely appropriate to stay in touch with yourself, and take steps to fix things when you’re all out of whack. Chances are you know what to do to take care of yourself. The sticking point is actually taking the steps to do that, even if it’s not a pleasant task.

Dealing with disappointment means taking care of your emotional and physical well-being. Get enough sleep. Eat right, whatever that looks like to you. Do something mindless and fun, as long as you don’t get hurt or hurt someone else. 

If you’re a believer, then self-care means letting God have His healing way with you.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

3 – Reframe the situation.

This is so basic it’s profound. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, consider what you can learn from the experience and what positive aspects you can take from it. 

If you’re disappointed, there has to be a reason for it. So – isolate the event, mindset, or situation, glean what you can from it, and move on. 

It comes down to looking at the situation from a different perspective. I promise there is something good to come from it, even if it’s “I’ll never do that again!”

Of course, if you go back and do “that” again, then you’re missing a big point. Plus, you’ve learned you aren’t very bright and need to make some changes. You can change, y’know. God is in the business of changing hearts, lives, and even minds. If you feel trapped and are beating yourself up, God wants to intervene. He understands that, in the flesh, you are floundering. 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5

4 – Set realistic expectations.

It’s important to have realistic expectations for the future to avoid disappointment.

Life is a one-day-at-a-time proposition. This is not a license to avoid planning and setting goals. I am one of the most obsessive goal setters you’ll ever meet. I’ll plan my day in advance, typically the night before. I block out time for specific tasks.  My paper planner is my external brain; the internal one is subject to fog and forgetfulness. Maybe I’m a little OC. Or a lot.

Anyway, the point is to set achievable goals and understand that setbacks are a normal part of life.

You are going to blow it occasionally, often in spectacular fashion. That’s okay. Keep your expectations for the future where they need to be. You won’t lose 20 pounds in a week no matter how disciplined your diet is. 

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

5 – Seek support.

You don’t have to face disappointment alone. Unless you’re a  total hermit who’s withdrawn from society, there is someone – perhaps multiple someones – that can help you process what you’re feeling. Talking to an empathetic friend or family member can be transformative. And don’t forget about a pastor or other trusted Christian.

Or, if you don’t have any friends or family, how about a mental health professional? Actually, that might be a better choice than a family member or friend, because a professional won’t pity you. Being pitied is not what you want if you’re dealing with disappointment.

You’re looking for a fresh perspective. Help is available. Repeat after me: “There is no shame in asking for help.” This isn’t the 80’s. It is totally acceptable to recognize you’re a hot mess and need a little propping up.

It’s hard for some people to admit they need help. If that’s you, in love … don’t be that person.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of  many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4

6 – Focus on what you can control.

Think (but don’t overthink) this: There is precious little in this world you can control. There is so much you can’t change. There’s nothing you can do, for example, about Chinese spy balloons. Don’t dwell on things like that. It’ll make you crazy. I’d wager there isn’t much you can do about the stock market. I’d even go as far as to say that if you have a critically ill loved one, that’s out of your hands, too. 

Of course you pray, and pray earnestly. That’s not what I’m talking about.

Rather, I’m advocating focusing your energy on what you can control. The primary focus of what you can control is you. You control you. You are in charge of your actions, attitudes, and words. 

I can’t overemphasize this, and it was late in life before I internalized it: You have the power to choose, which means that you have the power to change. 

Be patient and kind to yourself. Focus on the steps you can take to move forward. Do not get yourself in a place that convinces you that you’re stuck the way you are. You are not. 

I’m not a motivational speaker. But I am telling you – you are going to be disappointed in yourself more than you are with other people. Recovering from disappointment? Start with you. You have extraordinary God-given power to move on. Lean on Him.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

If you’re going to embrace self-pity, you might as well embrace misery.

It’s a funny thing. Some people simply seem to enjoy feeling bad for themselves. Respectfully, if that’s true of you, I have a simple question: How has self-pity helped you improve your life?

I get it. I do. This is one of those therapeutic blogs I need to write to myself from time to time.

Part of my self-pity grows from a Christian worldview. Huh?

In full disclosure … when I’m in a funk, and struggling with post-concussion syndrome, a migraine, or just low, self-pity rears its ugly head. It’s like getting thrown into a well, looking up at that little circle of daylight, and wondering how I’m going to get out.

Self-pity can make you feel like a failure at everything. Not good.

So, as a Christian, there shouldn’t be any room for self-pity. Problem is, it’s my faith (or lack of it) that moves me in that direction.

What an awful irony. The more intimate I become with God, the more aware I am of just how sinful I am. I realize that I am selfish, self-centered, and just what a lowlife I can be.

I struggle around my peers who seem to be sailing along in their Christian walk. That pity I have is because I haven’t reached that glorious place of a bulletproof Christian life. My head knows that everyone struggles; my heart says I shouldn’t be struggling like I am.

I’d love to feel like I’m awesome. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way. That’s shallow, but I’d love to have folks believe I’ve got it together 24/7/365. I am aware that folks aren’t that easily suckered, but, hey, you gotta have aspirations, right?

It might be that, like me (God forbid), this self-pity thing is camped out on your back porch, ready to pounce when you leave the house. You may be feeling pretty awful about your sin and haven’t been as repententant as you should be. You want to be better for God, but it all comes back to you and how you’re feeling. There’s something out there that can move you out of self-pity, but it’s elusive, and just out of reach.

What’s a believer to do about self-pity?

As always, the Bible speaks. Check out this ancient script – it’s 2 Corinthians 10:3-6:

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ⁶ And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

Paul wants us to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. In the context of self-pity, that means that any self-pitying thoughts are of us and not of Him. He doesn’t see us as low-life bottom feeders. He thinks we’re pretty wonderful. The key is to see ourselves as He sees us, right?

Here’s good stuff, from 1 Corinthians 1:26-31:

²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

This is some powerful ju-ju here. What’s crazy about it is that God encourages low self-esteem.

Look at that. We are not wise, not influential, not nobly born, we are weak, we are despised. That might be what we want to beat ourselves up about – those are traits of a loser, right? – but God turns that idea on its head.

The kicker is that God doesn’t want us to have a higher self-esteem, but instead a higher God-esteem. The focus is on Him, not us. You aren’t amazing, He is. You aren’t flawless; He is. You’re weak. He is strong.

We tend to obsess about ourselves, which is normal, because we spend a lot of time with ourselves. The thought is to put that self-pity aside because it simply doesn’t accomplish anything. That comes from a shift in focus – less of me, more of Him.

I love this. When it comes to self pity, the truth is that we can and should be mindful of our salvation every day. Every time you blow it, every time you don’t measure up to your self-imposed standards, God comes alongside us and says, “C’mon, pal. Once more, you need to be reminded that it’s not about you. I am present and active in your life. I’m not buying this self-pity stuff. You don’t have to feel that way, because I’ve given you all of grace. I saved you. You didn’t do anything to earn it, and you sure don’t deserve it. I’ve done this because I love you. Why self-pity? I’m all you need.”

Maybe you are the worst of sinners. But quit whining. You may not be all that in and of yourself, but you can celebrate God, Who came to you, undeserving sinner that you are, and adopted you into His family.

You don’t have to drown in self-pity and think only of yourself. God thinks about you all the time.

Talk later!

Want answers? We all do. But the answers have changed.

I heard a terrific story about Albert Einstein a week or so ago. Seems that Dr. Einstein was working as an adjunct professor at Oxford University and had just given a physics exam to one of his senior classes. As he and his teaching assistant were walking back to Einstein’s office, the young assistant asked, “Dr. Einstein, wasn’t that the same exam you gave to the class last year?”

“It was indeed,” said Einstein.

“I don’t understand,” the assistant said. “How could you give the same class the same exam a year later?”

“Well,” said Einstein, “that’s easy. The answers have changed.”

I found that a compelling little story. It is indicative of the world in which we now live. Think about it … I wake up to a country that on so many levels is alien to me. What was once virtuous is now a vice; what was once evil is now good; and the church of Jesus Christ, once considered even by unbelievers as a positive thing, is regularly maligned with impunity. In our society, the questions are the same, but the answers have changed.

Mercy. The claim that it is somehow a sign of a healthy, free society that by the way of a vote we can rewrite our language, turn our morals upside down, and trash our time-tested traditions is a sign of how lost we are. We are simply culturally messed up.

Don’t despair just because the answers have changed.

Some may consider this and despair. Don’t do that. The tomb is empty and the throne is occupied. Either God is sovereign and rules over the affairs of man, or He doesn’t. I can assure you He is not perched in the heavenlies, wringing His hands, wondering what He is to do next. “I’ve got this,” He wants us to know.

I wouldn’t presume to try to predict what He is up to. I do know this: We don’t give up hope. One day, God will visit us. He may visit us through revival. I’ve been reading about the 1904 Welsh revival, and man alive, what a joy to see how God worked in those days! And one day, He will visit us in His return, when all wrongs will be set right and all the fierce little kingdoms of this world – including ours – will be reduced to nothingness. The kingdom of God has already come in Jesus Christ, but the final consummation of kingdom is not yet here. The answers to all of life’s challenges are right here.

That is our blessed hope. We realize that we are pilgrims and sojourners here, because this is not our home. But we are still to engage with culture. If we simply conform to the culture, we would not be salt and light to the culture. If we don’t conform at all, the salt would remain in it the salt shaker and the light under a basket.

Don’t give up hope.

Perhaps the answers have changed. But don’t let’s give up hope. If you have an unconverted brother or sister, son or daughter … if someone in your family is far from God, don’t give up hope. The Lord could visit tomorrow and they would be saved.  Don’t give up hope in your church. Don’t give up on those who once seemed to seek after the things of God and are now absent from the faith. Let’s work together, and love each other, and strive for good together, because one day our great God and Savior will certainly visit us. He did so in a manger centuries ago, and will again one day soon enough.

There are some things that take up too much headspace for me – specifically, things that are out of my control.

I realized when I started writing this particular blog that I had way too much to share in just one sitting. So this will be continued next time, okay? (Teaser!)

Fact is, there are plenty of things out of my control, and yours, too.

I thought I’d share seven of these. This isn’t some magic number, but I’m guessing that at a minimum these seven are close to universal. I’ll just air these out, and next time I’ll give you some encouragement.

Here ya go: 7 things out of my control.

1. The actions of others.

Think about the folks you come into contact with regularly. If you want to think globally, that’s fine, but maybe we need to restrict this to your immediate circle.

It’s a hard truth that you can’t control what others do. Maybe you can be an influencer, and I hope you are. (Of course, this implies that you know what’s best for others, and that might be a little sketchy.)

People are inherently self-serving, and it takes some effort for them to overcome that … if that’s a goal they have. Chances are, you’ve experienced some hurt because of what others have done. You’d like to help them see how wrong they were (subtle sarcasm there.)

You got nowhere. This is one of those things out of your control.

2. The opinions of others.

Well, yeah. People have strong opinions about, y’know, stuff. They may have strong opinions about you, too. Does that make you uncomfortable? And if so, why?

I know of a lady who was scrupulous about making sure her house was in order, the beds made up, etc., before leaving each morning for work. Her rationale? “If the house catches on fire, I’d hate for the firefighters to see my house in a mess.”

Well, now, my sense is that they wouldn’t care. That’s something out of my control.

Still, she was motivated by the opinion of others. Even complete strangers.

You can’t do anything about what others think. Again, you might be an influencer, but it’s up to them as to what their opinions are.

3. How others take care of themselves.

There is a series of commercials/PSA’s I see frequently about quitting smoking. I’ve never smoked, so this doesn’t really apply to me. But the minute-long spots show vignettes of people who are grotesquely scarred because of surgery, of children having to take care of cancer-ridden parents, and patients dealing with a whole host of horrific ailments.

It may be that someone close to you doesn’t take care of themselves. Maybe they’re morbidly obese. Perhaps they know what they’re doing is unhealthy – not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. It grieves you.

You can’t fix that. People will, or won’t, take care of themselves based on where they are in life and what circumstances surround them.

I had a relative who straight-up said, “Smoking is the only pleasure I have left.” So there’s that.

4. What happens around me.

So here you are, plunked down in a physical location right now. It’s an environmental thing, and it’s not just physical. You may find yourself in an environment made up of other people, circumstances, things like that.

Those things are out of my control. They might not change. Perhaps I can remove myself from that environment, but that doesn’t change the “things” themselves.

As I write this, Jackson, Mississippi, is in a legitimate crisis. I live in metro Jackson, and what is happening doesn’t directly affect me. Jackson is without water, basically, and that means none to drink, none to bathe in, none to cook with, none to flush toilets. It’s really, really bad. We’re on the national news.

I can’t do anything about that. It’s out of my control.

I would say, though, that while I can’t change things, I can serve in the midst of them. While the circumstances themselves are out of my control, I’m not helpless. So maybe this one isn’t totally out of my control. There have been other things over the years I couldn’t do squat about.

5. The past.

This one is pretty self-evident. What’s done is done. We don’t get do-overs. We can commit to not doing boneheaded things from here on out, but it doesn’t change what’s already happened.

If you’ve been following me for some time, you know this is a “thing” for me. People are burdened, crippled by the past. It shouldn’t be this way, but realistically, it is for many.

I can’t change the past. That’s out of my control. It’s easy to say “get over it,” but that’s really, really hard, especially if you have something in your past that looms up in your thoughts like some demonic presence.

6. The future.

Here’s a companion thought to #5. You can’t control the future.

There may be sort of an exception to this. You can make decisions right now that will indeed change the future.

But – you can’t control what those changes are. Be wise, think things through, and in God’s providence make the right calls.

In spite of all that, you don’t get to dictate the outcomes. You can in no fashion control the future. You don’t know what’s out there. If the supervolcano under Yellowstone chooses to blow, it’s gonna blow. That’s out of my control. Fundamentally, the future before you is out of your control, too.

7. What other people think of me.

This one is a bit like #2. The distinction I’d like to make is that while the opinion of others might involve, say, politics, what people think of you is personal, directed at you.

That’s out of my control for sure. I don’t really like that.

It may be that you’ve tried to be charming, or forceful, or used any number of tactics to make people like you.

How’d that work out for ya?

You simply can’t control what other people think of you. You can do all you can to present yourself in a winsome, positive way, but they are still going to have their own opinions of you. Those opinions might change over time. Or not.

In all my years of youth ministry, I finally came to the realization that some kids simply didn’t like me. I can’t imagine anyone not liking me, but it’s true. Oh. The horror.

What other people think of you is out of your hands. As I’ve said, you can be an influencer, but people are going to have their opinions of you no matter what.

So, there you go. There are many things out of my control. There are many things out of your control.

My admittedly lame counsel is for us to collectively get over it. I know, right?

Next time I’ll give you a list of things that are in your control. That’s what we want to major on.

Talk soon!

“No one listens, and no one understands.” Have you ever said or thought that? You are not alone.

“We have learned that the places to which He (God) leads usually have nothing to do with what we think we will make us happy.” – Erin Napier, Make Something Good Today.

If you ever say, “No one listens, and no one understands,” then you might not be talking about others. You may be talking about yourself.

In all my years of working with teenagers, this was a common refrain. I’d talk to kids, and I’d hear these woeful tales of being ignored, or that no one cared about what they were going through. Or, worse, if their parents didn’t understand, then they’d use what they knew against them.

I live in Mississippi. We are prone to storms. Those on the Mississippi Gulf Coast can tell you about dealing with hurricanes – Katrina was perfectly catastrophic. Other hurricanes have hit there over the years. And tornadoes? Have mercy. Our house has sustained tornado damage three times since we bought it in 2005. Minor stuff – a tree, some privacy fencing, some roof damage – but others haven’t been as fortunate.

Right around the corner from us, during one of these storms, a big oak fell on a house and effectively bisected it. No one was hurt, but the house was split right down the middle.

Here’s where it gets complicated, and causes many to wonder about God. They might say “no one listens, and no one understands, not even God.”

While I was grateful our damage was minimal, and thanked God, I know the owners of the other house were believers, too. It’s great that God prevented damage to our house, but the assumption – and it’s a scary one – is that a positive answer to prayer is evidence that God listens and answers our prayers in a way that pleases us. A negative outcome might lead one to believe that God isn’t paying attention and therefore doesn’t answer us.

That’s Satanic. Mark Twain said that the primary reason he couldn’t swallow Christianity was because of unanswered prayers.

If your issue, then, is that “no one listens, and no one understands,” the reality is that unfavorable answers to prayer doesn’t mean that God isn’t listening.

Read Erin’s quote again. She what she said? God takes you places – and by inference deals in other ways with you – that aren’t what you wanted for yourself.

This makes for some big implications. It may be that your “no one listens, and no one understands” mindset is because you hear things from others, or even God, that you didn’t want to hear.

I won’t presume to interpret what others who don’t listen or understand are all about. It may be that they do listen and understand more than you think.

The absolutely glorious news, though, is that God both listens and understands. Think about it:

• God hears all your prayers.
• He knows exactly what you’re going through and what you need.
• God is compassionate.
• He wants to carry the load for you, because His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
• God doesn’t slumber, nor does He sleep.
• He will never leave you or forsake you.
• God’s love never fails.
• He knows your future, every detail of it.

Here is truth, for you who believe no one listens, and no one understands: Just because you didn’t get what you prayed for doesn’t mean that He didn’t listen.

The mental picture I get, and what sustains me, is that when I pray I imagine coming into the presence of God. When I speak, He drops everything, turns to me, and says, “Hey, Tony. You have my undivided attention.”

Cool.

It may be that you’ve asked for things – maybe even prayed for them – and nothing worked out afterwards. I wonder sometimes if God answering our prayers the way we wanted them answered is one of the hardest things we can experience.

We don’t always ask for the things that will help us grow. At the same time, we don’t need to self-edit our prayers. What can we pray about that He doesn’t already know? We have the freedom to talk to Him about our feelings, our fears, and our legitimate needs.

The more time you spend with God, the more you will be comforted. It’s because He listens and He understands. He’s your hiding place, your fortress, the one who gives you strength when you’re tapped out, and He cares for you.

He is never too busy with other people. He doesn’t put you to the side because He’s dealing with world issues.

It all comes down to two choices:

1. Lean on God during those hard times when no one listens and understands, and accept His protection, or –
2. Anything but #1.

It’s your choice. Choose wisely.

Comments welcome. Talk later!

• Part of it may be the joy of a “gotcha!” moment. As in, “I’ll point out how clueless other people are. That’ll be helpful.”
• Part of it is the old “preaching to the choir” mindset. It reminds those of like opinion that they are not alone. People enjoy having their posts “liked” and having folks agree with them.
• It might be that people post things to attempt to sway others to their viewpoint. There may be times when that actually worked, but I’d classify that as a miracle or exception.

• The 24-hour news cycle. You gotta fill that time with something if you’re a newscaster.
• Cable news in general. In the latter days of my mama’s life, she’d have CNN or Fox or something on the TV round the clock. I would absolutely lose my mind if I had to subject myself to that.
• Ease of acquiring information. I’m just a click away from having access to most anything.
• Tech devices. I am currently armed with my iPhone. I’m typing on a keyboard on my iPad. At our house, there are a half-dozen computers, laptops, tablets, etc. Am I in bondage to all this gee-whiz gadgetry? Are you? You decide.

• Restrict your intake of news. Again, this isn’t about being uninformed. It’s a matter of getting just enough to give you a sense of what’s going on around you. But to subject yourself to the same awful story over and over can’t be healthy. (* See note below.)
• Focus on the things you can actually do something about. If you aren’t happy with someone in office, say, then vote them out. In the United States, we have this really cool reset button. Vote in your guy or girl next time.
• If there are things you are exposed to that you can’t do anything about – move on. Don’t dwell on the “what if’s?” I heard a neat term used in counseling a while back: “Catastrophizing.” It’s irrationally looking to the worst possible outcome of any incident or circumstance. Mama called it “borrowing trouble.”
• Ask yourself: “Do I find satisfaction in learning of and exploiting someone else’s failures?” If that’s so, then “Why am I like that?” is a sensible next question.
• Find a cause that’s worth investing your life in and do it. Of course, serving God is the ultimate cause. But there may be other things that engage you.  If you’re passionate about animal rights, for instance, I think that’s terrific. Just don’t devalue people who aren’t as passionate as you. This comes under the category of “guarding your heart” because you’ll save yourself some frustration when you realize we all have things important to us. And those things don’t necessarily have to be the same.
• Restrict your “I’m right, therefore you’re wrong” impulses to a minimum. Who knows? Sometimes the other person might be right.
• There may be some people in your life that want to drag you down right along with them. Love them anyway. That gives you extraordinary power. But – choose, as best you can, how you interact with them.