Self-sabotage. You know, blowing yourself up because you think you’re a failure.

Before we join each other in being outraged, take a deep breath. Because you know you’ve done this, and I have too.

It’s so easy to get frustrated with ourselves, isn’t it? It’s like that hamster on a wheel analogy. You work hard, run fast, and you simply don’t get anywhere.

This has everything to do with thought distortions. This simply means that what is a rational, reasonable thought mutates into something irrational, unreasonable, and just flat-out wrong.

We’ll talk about self-sabotaging thoughts in a minute. We won’t get specific, because your self-sabotage issues won’t be the same as mine. But if you’ve ever tried to change habits, fix relationships, develop a closer relationship with God, you might’ve said things like:

• This will never work.
• It’s too hard.
• I’m a failure.
• This is where I blew it last time.
• I’ll never be where I want to be (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.)
• I screwed up. I might as well enjoy screwing up again.

Know what I mean?

Let’s try this. Here’s four ways to stop self-sabotage.

1. Identify a big ol’ sabotaging thought. Those might be some suggestions above. Tie it into a life area that’s giving you fits. It might be a moral struggle, a toxic thought life, worry and anxiety, an unbridled temper, being intolerant of folks who don’t see things the same way you do, etc.
2. Now, figure out what kind of thought distortion it is. Is it:
   1. All or nothing thinking? Here’s a hint – if you’re using the words “always” and “never,” then that’s some evidence that this is what you’re up to. Like “I’ll never be able to control my temper.”
   2. Are you psychic? Think you’re a mind-reader? As in, “Those people are judging me, so I’m gonna judge back.” Or, “People don’t understand me, and that’s why they’re pushing me aside.” (Note: People don’t think about you nearly as much as you think they do. That’s a topic for another time, perhaps.)
   3. Are you now a fortune teller? Symptoms would include statements like “Things are not going to get any better for me.” “I don’t think this relationship can be fixed.” Or, “What if an asteroid hits the earth?” (Maybe that’s not a good example, but some people think about things like that. Spare me.)
3. Now, write down (yep, I’m asking you to commit pen to paper, or fingers to keys) all the evidence supporting this thought. Are you wrestling with some big scary thought? Then, pilgrim, in what ways is this thought true? You’d best develop a persuasive case. I’d note, too, that even the worst thoughts might have a bit of truth to them. That doesn’t mean they are true, though.
4. You’re still writing … so write down all the evidence against this thought. In other words, what are the ways this sabotaging thought is actually a big lie to yourself?

It’s more false than true, isn’t it? That’s why we call them thought distortions.

So now, woo-hoo! You’ve just picked apart your first self-sabotaging thought.

Here’s an example.

Fred had a pretty significant argument with his best friend Barney. It didn’t end well. Fred knew he was way out of line.

Fred unpacked what happened – and here’s where the self-sabotage started:

• Incident thought: “I got in a fight with Barney.”
• Sabotaging thought: “I’m a jerk.”
• Thought distortion: Labeling – he put a label (jerk) on himself. And this is all-or-nothing thinking. Because of this fight, he’s decided he’s a total loser with no chance of redemption.
• Evidence supporting his thought: His relationship with Barney is strained.
• Evidence against his thought: They’ve been friends forever. They’ve had disagreements before and worked through them. Fred’s relationships are generally sound, fruitful, and rewarding. He was in a foul mood anyway, and Barney just struck him wrong. He can apologize.

See how it works? The evidence is strong that all will be well with some work.

That means that when faced with a couple of decisions as to how to move forward, the toughest-seeming one is the one you should choose to deal with self-sabotage.

Here’s why … and why this next time around will be different:

• You’ve had past experiences that were awful. You’ve been hurt. This time around, though, you can choose to construct new, positive, and winning experiences.
• You’re afraid to fail. No one likes to screw up. But now, you know how to glean what you can from what happened and move on.
• You don’t have confidence. Well, you’re underestimating what you’re capable of. (Note: If you’re a Believer, then your confidence isn’t in you. It’s in Him.)
• You have low self-esteem. Don’t think you’re worthy? Who the heck sold that concept to you? You are worth so much! You were created in the image of God, and it would serve you well not to forget that.
• Finally, you’re afraid of succeeding. Sound odd? I believe that you may have succumbed to self-sabotage so many times that you’re scared of experiencing the unimaginable – God’s best.

God’s best is some low-hanging fruit. Afraid of self-sabotage? When that fuse starts burning again – and it will, I promise – know you know how to defuse it.

Talk later!

What was it the old preacher said? “Put the hay where the sheep can get to it.” Maybe this will be pure encouragement for yoy.

Maybe today you’re feeling sheepish, and need some good hay. I hope this’ll fit the bill.

The context: I’ve spoken before about the gap between where I want and need to be and where I actually am. Chances are you know what I’m talking about. It’s a matter of having values and standards, and knowing clearly what they are … and not acting on them in real-life situations.

Or, you ask for advice and if it doesn’t appeal to you – even if it’s good – you don’t take it.

Worst of all, you’re aware that your attitudes, and the actions that grow from them, are stifling your growth. You get frustrated, and paralyzed, and you stay in the same sorry state you’re already in. And THAT leads to self-loathing and a sense of being unworthy.

Take heart. It doesn’t have to remain that way, but you do have to act.

Let me share six thoughts with you. Each thought should ideally lead to action on your part. Let’s strive for deeds and not just words with this list, okay?

1. Hate no one, no matter how much the’ve wronged you. (And I’m sure you’re saying, dang, Tony, that’s not what I wanted to hear right out of the chute.) For some, hate comes easily, and I wouldn’t presume in this simple blog to try to analyze the why’s. It may be that ingrained childish impulse to hurt back when we’ve been hurt (as if that would change anything.) I’m not persuaded that hating anyone for any reason ends up positively for the person doing the hating. I’m not discounting the crystalline pain that comes when someone does you wrong. What I do want to state is that hate won’t undo what has already happened. That’s rear-view mirror stuff. And that person entered your life for a reason, as unfathomable as that might be. We can learn lessons from good and bad people. Bottom line: hating someone else doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes you feel even worse.
2. Live humbly, no matter how wealthy you are. This may not be an issue for you, because you feel you don’t have much to begin with. This actually has more to do with our Western fixation on “stuff” – acquiring and holding onto material things. I’ll admit that there are thing I appreciate – air conditioning in my car, my Instant Pot, Netflix. I am thoroughly unimpressed with people who flaunt their things. If you determine your worth based on your “worth,” then how will you feel when you don’t have it any more? The goal is to simply live humbly, as in “live within your means,” and be grateful for that. I struggle with delayed gratification, because when I want something I want it then. That’s put me in a tough place more than once. Right now, take a moment and look around. My guess is you have everything you need and a lot of things you simply want, and that’s not a bad thing. You are doing fine. Better than fine, actually.
3. Think positively, no matter how hard life is. This is not some pop psychology, pump yourself up directive. You can start by realizing that you are not unique and that there are a couple of gazillion other people who have faced or are facing the same challenges you are. That may not lessen your pain, but there is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Second, thinking positively may not change your situation, but it will change you. You for sure can’t change other people, and you may not be able to change your circumstances. You can change your heart. This should be self-evident. I mean, don’t you feel better when you embrace the positive rather than dwell on the negative? You are responsible. You can change your outlook. Pity the person who builds themselves a cage of misery, places themselves in it, and locks the door and tosses away the key. When you don’t think positively, what you are saying is that you are psychic to the extent that you know exactly what is going to happen, i.e., things will never get any better. You are positive because there is always hope.
4. Give much, even if you’ve been given little. We can start with giving away tangible things – money, for instance. I know money is hard to come by, and there is something in our primordial nature that makes us want to cling to what we have. Even now, I’m watching our grandson try to grasp the concept of sharing, and it doesn’t come easy. He’s pretty selective about what he shares, and with who. But you know how good you feel when you’re able to help someone else out? How about if that was a lifestyle? And if you’re operating from a scarcity mindset, just remember that you are living in abundance. For believers, remember that ancient script tells us that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. That’s a nice transitional thought to the principle of giving yourself away. Is there anything more noble or rewarding than spending yourself in a cause bigger than yourself? Or giving yourself to someone who can be blessed because of you? You may not have much money, but you do have a big ol’ heart. Be expansive. Be extravagant.
5. Forgive all, especially yourself. This is a companion thought to #1, above. Here’s the reality – folks have done you bad. You may even have a “nemesis” out there, someone who is simply out to get you. Or they’ve already gotten you. I’ve looked hard, and I can’t for the life of me find justification to not forgive. There’s not a loophole in sight. Forgiveness isn’t conditional. We could tease out some scenarios where you might feel justified in saying, “I just can’t forgive so-and-so for what they did,” but that justification won’t stand up under the reality of what we are commanded to do. Then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself. This is a tough one. You know yourself, your heart, and what you’ve done. It may be that there is real shame attached to something in your past. Again, though, you can’t take it back. Don’t pretend that feeling bad about yourself will make you feel better. There is a biblical concept called “repentance,” which means not only do you feel conviction about what you’ve done, but you resolve to accept forgiveness and turn away from the thing that caused personal grief in the first place. Don’t dwell on the bad you’ve done. Concentrate on the good that is in you.
6. Never stop praying for the best for everyone. If you ever catch yourself wishing ill will on someone else, shame on you. How would wanting someone to hurt help you? There may be a perverse satisfaction in seeing “someone get what was coming to them,” but it is a satisfaction based on our own selfish sense of vengeance. I’ve heard this all my life, but I’ve finally accepted that it’s hard to hate someone when you’re praying for them. You’ll have to determine what someone else’s “best” is as you pray for them. A good place to start is to pray for that person’s hard heart, that it be softened and opened to the possibility of goodness and peace. My old boss said “hurt people hurt people,” and that’s a pretty wise statement. Wouldn’t your own heart be softened if you knew someone who dislikes you was praying for you?

These six thoughts are all interconnected, and one is not more important than the other. So do a little introspection, determine where you need to go to work, and get after it. Be hopeful. Who you are not is not who you’re destined to remain.

Talk later!

Here are seven ways to keep from beating someone up.

God has seen fit to bless me with a significant measure of patience. I can let most things that would give other people fits roll right over me.

Some might call that being a pushover. But this tendency has kept me from beating someone up, or at least wanting to.

I don’t enjoy arguments or confrontations. They say everyone has a breaking point. Mine comes when I’m faced with pure stupidity from someone else and they accuse me, or insinuate, that I’m the stupid one.

The term for this, I believe, is willful ignorance. When faced by facts – and I’m not talking opinions based on a YouTube video, for instance – folks absolutely lose whatever capacity they have for rational thinking.

I’m not sure of the dynamics behind this kind of behavior. Let me be clear – beating someone up might be my default desire, but on the other hand, I’m kind of a “live and let live” kinda guy. You are welcome to hold whatever opinions you wish, because you might be correct.

See, I cordially despise conflict. Maybe this is a character flaw, but I’ll take a long path around a fight. I don’t like it, and I’m not good at it. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth. 

So instead of beating someone up, I think about alternatives. 

It may be that you’re the kind of person who relishes a good argument. That’s fine, too. But it’s proper to determine if you’re being earnest and redemptive or being a real punk. 

Rather than beating someone up, Jesus says that we’re to be peacemakers. Sermon on the mount, right? Jesus had a lot of good stuff in that message – blessing those who mourn, the poor in spirit, and so forth. Then it’s “blessed are the peacemakers.”

That implies that a fight is going on and it needs to be resolved. It’s being a peacemaker instead of beating someone up.

Conflict in our lives is inevitable. What are we to do to do the right thing?

Here’s my list of seven ways to avoid beating someone up.

1. Go to God.

That should be self-evident, but in the heat of the moment He might get pushed to the side because we’re venting our spleens. Fact is, you can’t make peace in your own strength, at least not effectively. You can’t do it by yourself. People have tried for world peace for centuries, but our little planet has been prone to wars and rumors of wars. Can you say Russia and Ukraine? So the first move is to go to God and say, “Lord, I’m in deep weeds without You, because in the flesh I want to beat someone up.”

2. Breathe in, breathe out.

Or count to ten. Do something to keep from going all Vesuvian on someone. It’s a pause to make sure your carnal impulses don’t get the best of you. The first thing coming to your mind might not be what you want to say.

3. Watch your mouth.

This piggybacks on #2. No matter what the other person says,.you aren’t obligated to try to outdo them in meanness. There are some Fruits of the Spirit worth invoking here … try patience, gentleness, and self-control. As I’ve noted, those will NOT come naturally. God will need to supernaturally intervene.

4. Don’t blame.

You know this already, but words like “you always” or “you never” don’t help matters. Don’t accuse. Speak in terms of calm, quiet, and love. It’ll freak the other person out, and that’s a good thing. It’s all done with an eye to restoring peace. 

5. Apologize.

I don’t know why this is such an agony for some people. But if you’re at fault – and there is a dang good chance you are – then say “I’m sorry” and mean it. Maybe the issue is the fleshly tendency to hate to admit you’re wrong, you screwed up, and you need to be fixed.

6. Forgive.

“Forgive” and “apologize” are siblings. Forgiveness might not be the easiest thing to do when you’re considering beating someone up, but it has to happen. Of course, you forgive because you are forgiven by God – if you’re a believer. There’s that; but consider what power forgiveness gives you. It absolutely clears the record. Don’t let this drag out. Forgive, and move on.

7. Use the ministry of reconciliation.

Fact: Ultimate peace among people only happens when people have peace with God. When Jesus said, “blessed are the peacemakers,” He wasn’t just talking about peace between humans – He’s talking about peace with God, too. Part of our role as believers on earth is to reconcile others to God. It’s hard to reconcile someone to God when you’re thinking about beating someone up. Model Christ.

One caveat: Making peace doesn’t mean denying the truth. If a friend or acquaintance is saying something like “pigs can fly,” then it’d probably be wrong to say “you’re right,” just to make peace. (That’s a lame illustration, but you know what I mean. Some days I have to work hard not to correct some bogus nonsense I read online posted by someone I used to think had some sense. That’s another topic for another day, perhaps.)

Working alone, people can make temporary peace, and overcome that urge to beat someone up. Empowered by God, lasting peace is attainable. That’s what you want.

Talk later. 

Are you stuck and need to be unstuck?

Here’s what I mean about needing to be “unstuck.”

It may be that in these challenging days you feel like you’re mired in some mudhole. You can’t budge. Your mindset stinks. Your environment is holding you captive. You’re stuck in a pandemic, in a dead-end job, in a toxic relationship, and you are trying to figure out how to get unstuck with grace and integrity. You have to move on. You need to grow.

You’re worn out. You are stuck, and there doesn’t seem to be any way to get unstuck, moving, and growing.

The thing is – life doesn’t stand still. You are either growing or decaying. You are either stuck (which means you need to get unstuck) or moving along.

As I type, I’m looking at a plant in a window. It’s a little succulent. It’s something I’ve managed not to kill.

That little thing is growing. There are a couple of flowers on it. That excites me. But I’m aware that it has a lifespan, like all living things, and one day it’ll just die.

So here you are, at some point in your life journey, and you are either growing or decaying. Let’s call it “maturing.”

You may find yourself stuck – morally (you have some vile habit you haven’t been able to shake), intellectually (your mind takes you to some unhealthy places, and it’s because you won’t open yourself up to other thoughts and possibilities), physically (I won’t go there, other than to note that I don’t need to see a plate of cookies laying around), spiritually (you are distant and isolated from God, and nothing seems to help), or relationally (you’re struggling in a personal relationship, or at least know it isn’t where it needs to be.)

You feeling me?

What, then, can you do to get unstuck? How can you free yourself from the grip of fear, isolation, unease, fatigue, or something else? I mean, dang, this COVID stuff. I’ve decided that everyone is gonna get it at some point. It’s just a matter of severity.

Fact is, getting unstuck is ultimately an act of God. But you can position yourself to let God do all the heavy lifting.

Here are three thoughts.

1. If you want to get unstuck, then you have to keep the end in sight.

Christians tend to get this backwards. These days, frequently, I say “Come, Lord Jesus!” I mean that. But heaven isn’t my goal. It’s my destination. There is a difference. My goal is to become more like Jesus, not to end up in heaven.

The implications are pretty significant. If the goal (the end) is to be like Jesus, I need to take purposeful, intentional steps in that direction.

Again, Christ does the heavy lifting. He puts me and you in situations, struggles, and relationships that stretch us. That might not be pleasant at the time. His desire is for us to be like Him, and He has tons of tools at His fingertips to grow us and get us unstuck from whatever place we find ourselves.

The end, then, is Christlikeness. That’s why what is happening to you is happening.

2. To get unstuck, you have to commit to being unstuck.

Some people seem pretty content in the place they’re in. It’s a weird thing. People hang out with others who drag them down. They embrace a habit that is causing harm. They purposefully read and expose themselves to things that make them feel awful because they’re looking for “the truth.”

No way do you need to be that person. Me either.

It’s a commitment thing, and that isn’t easy. Sorry. No quick fix.

When I perform a wedding, and do the vows, some of the traditional phrases are “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health,” etc. What I’m saying is “Y’all are making a lifelong commitment. It’ll be hard. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard. You’re going to work through everything.” The couple has no idea what’s coming. They just go for it.

You’ll get stuck from time to time. But before you get stuck, you need to commit to get unstuck. It doesn’t matter what the sticking place is. The decisions are made before you get stuck. You forbid yourself to stay there.

As an aside, the trick is to trust God. Obvious, right? You place your life in His hands, no holding back, and you die to your own agenda and goals. I’ll just bet most of our getting stuck has to do with us taking matters into our own hands instead of seeking His will and yielding to it.

3. People who are stuck should value the process of getting unstuck as much as the state of being unstuck.

That quick fix I mentioned earlier? We’re always looking for those ten easy steps to … whatever.

Got an unpleasant truth for you. Most growth (or getting unstuck) doesn’t happen in one whack. It tends to be a process rather than an event.

I’m not discounting those times when you had a major breakthrough. God used a speaker, an incident, a book, or other definitive point in time to completely realign your life and keep you moving and growing.

My experience is that change comes in the tiny incremental decisions I make. My prayer, for instance, is “just for today, Lord, help me not to be stupid.” It’s not a one-and-done thing. It’s a journey.

I believe the secret to getting unstuck is bound up in our daily routines. I’ve written plenty of times about the personal necessity I have of spending time along with God daily. I can face a day having no idea what it holds, but I can by-golly control those first few minutes.

The constant is that God shows up every morning. The rest of the day just unfolds as it will.

This won’t affect your final grade, but if I were giving a challenge or assignment, it would be for you to identify that one simple step you can take to get unstuck from whatever is bogging you down, and dealing with it.

In other words – determine what it is you need to do to get unstuck, and do it.

It’s not like crossing the Alps. It’s that baby step.

Talk later!

Who wouldn’t want a better life? It can be yours.

What was it the old preacher said? “Put the hay where the sheep can get to it.”

Maybe today you’re feeling sheepish, and need some good hay. I hope this’ll fit the bill.

The context: I’ve spoken before about the gap between where I want and need to be and where I actually am. Chances are you know what I’m talking about. It’s a matter of having values and standards, and knowing clearly what they are … and not acting on them in real-life situations.

Or, you ask for advice and if it doesn’t appeal to you – even if it’s good – you don’t take it.

Worst of all, you’re aware that your attitudes, and the actions that grow from them, are stifling your growth. You get frustrated, and paralyzed, and you stay in the same sorry state you’re already in. And THAT leads to self-loathing and a sense of being unworthy.

Take heart. It doesn’t have to remain that way. You can have a better life, but you do have to act.

Let me share six thoughts with you. Each thought should ideally lead to action on your part. Let’s strive for deeds and not just words with this list, okay?

1. Hate no one, no matter how much the’ve wronged you. (And I’m sure you’re saying, dang, Tony, that’s not what I wanted to hear right out of the chute.) For some, hate comes easily, and I wouldn’t presume in this simple blog to try to analyze the why’s. It may be that ingrained childish impulse to hurt back when we’ve been hurt (as if that would change anything.) I’m not persuaded that hating anyone for any reason ends up positively for the person doing the hating. I’m not discounting the crystalline pain that comes when someone does you wrong. What I do want to state is that hate won’t undo what has already happened. That’s rear-view mirror stuff. And that person entered your life for a reason, as unfathomable as that might be. We can learn lessons from good and bad people. Bottom line: hating someone else doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes you feel even worse.
2. Live humbly, no matter how wealthy you are. This may not be an issue for you, because you feel you don’t have much to begin with. This actually has more to do with our Western fixation on “stuff” – acquiring and holding onto material things. I’ll admit that there are thing I appreciate – air conditioning in my car, my Instant Pot, Netflix. I am thoroughly unimpressed with people who flaunt their things. If you determine your worth based on your “worth,” then how will you feel when you don’t have it any more? The goal is to simply live humbly, as in “live within your means,” and be grateful for that. I struggle with delayed gratification, because when I want something I want it then. That’s put me in a tough place more than once. Right now, take a moment and look around. My guess is you have everything you need and a lot of things you simply want, and that’s not a bad thing. You are doing fine. Better than fine, actually. You already have a better life than many.
3. Think positively, no matter how hard life is. This is not some pop psychology, pump yourself up directive. You can start by realizing that you are not unique and that there are a couple of gazillion other people who have faced or are facing the same challenges you are. That may not lessen your pain, but there is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Second, thinking positively may not change your situation, but it will change you. You for sure can’t change other people, and you may not be able to change your circumstances. You can change your heart. This should be self-evident. I mean, don’t you feel better when you embrace the positive rather than dwell on the negative? You are responsible. You can change your outlook. Pity the person who builds themselves a cage of misery, places themselves in it, and locks the door and tosses away the key. When you don’t think positively, what you are saying is that you are psychic to the extent that you know exactly what is going to happen, i.e., things will never get any better. You are positive because there is always hope of a better life.
4. Give much, even if you’ve been given little. We can start with giving away tangible things – money, for instance. I know money is hard to come by, and there is something in our primordial nature that makes us want to cling to what we have. Even now, I’m watching our granddaughter try to grasp the concept of sharing, and it doesn’t come easy. She’s pretty selective about what she shares, and with who. But you know how good you feel when you’re able to help someone else out? How about if that was a lifestyle? And if you’re operating from a scarcity mindset, just remember that you are living in abundance. For believers, remember that ancient script tells us that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. That’s a nice transitional thought to the principle of giving yourself away. Is there anything more noble or rewarding than spending yourself in a cause bigger than yourself? Or giving yourself to someone who can be blessed because of you? You may not have much money, but you do have a big ol’ heart. Be expansive. Be extravagant.
5. Forgive all, especially yourself. This is a companion thought to #1, above. Here’s the reality – folks have done you bad. You may even have a “nemesis” out there, someone who is simply out to get you. Or they’ve already gotten you. I’ve looked hard, and I can’t for the life of me find justification to not forgive. There’s not a loophole in sight. Forgiveness isn’t conditional. We could tease out some scenarios where you might feel justified in saying, “I just can’t forgive so-and-so for what they did,” but that justification won’t stand up under the reality of what we are commanded to do. Then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself. This is a tough one. You know yourself, your heart, and what you’ve done. It may be that there is real shame attached to something in your past. Again, though, you can’t take it back. Don’t pretend that feeling bad about yourself will make you feel better. There is a biblical concept called “repentance,” which means not only do you feel conviction about what you’ve done, but you resolve to accept forgiveness and turn away from the thing that caused personal grief in the first place. Don’t dwell on the bad you’ve done. Concentrate on the good that is in you.
6. Never stop praying for the best for everyone. If you ever catch yourself wishing ill will on someone else, shame on you. How would wanting someone to hurt help you? There may be a perverse satisfaction in seeing “someone get what was coming to them,” but it is a satisfaction based on our own selfish sense of vengeance. I’ve heard this all my life, but I’ve finally accepted that it’s hard to hate someone when you’re praying for them. You’ll have to determine what someone else’s “best” is as you pray for them. A good place to start is to pray for that person’s hard heart, that it be softened and opened to the possibility of goodness and peace. Pray for a better life for them! My former boss says “hurt people hurt people,” and that’s a pretty wise statement. Wouldn’t your own heart be softened if you knew someone who dislikes you was praying for you?

These six thoughts are all interconnected, and one is not more important than the other. So do a little introspection, determine where you need to go to work, and get after it. Be hopeful. Who you are not is not who you’re destined to remain.

(Photo from Shutterstock)

Earlier this week Colin Powell died. He certainly had his critics in his latter days, but it’s not my intent to opine on that. Rather, I want to revisit his 13 Rules for Leadership.

These 13 rules were what helped Powell accomplish his goals. Powell was a pretty successful guy, to say the least …he was the country’s first Black Secretary of State, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (youngest ever!), national security advisor and a four star general.

Throughout the ups and downs of his career, Powell lived by a set of “13 rules,” which he laid out in his 2012 memoir, “It Worked For Me: In Life and Leadership.”

I wanted to share those with you, and offer a little commentary from a Christian perspective as I go.

Rule #1 – It ain’t as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.

Powell believed that you needed to strip fear and anxiety from your decision-making. Hello, Tony. I’m not prone to anxiety, but I am the world’s worst about second-guessing. Ancient script teaches us that God is not the author of fear. Sure, things can look bad, and often they are, but God has a unique divine way of protecting us. It’s a simple matter of trust, yes? Remember, too, that God’s mercies are new every morning. What is happening today isn’t what will be happening tomorrow. The tendency is to let fear paralyze us, to cause us to curl up into a ball. Nope. God’s got it. God’s got us.

Rule #2 – Get mad, and then get over it.

Everyone gets mad. But, as Powell wrote, “staying mad isn’t useful.”

“I’ve worked hard over the years to make sure that when I get mad, I get over it quickly and never lose control of myself,” he wrote. “With a few lapses I won’t discuss here, I’ve done reasonably well.”

Anger is part of our hard-wired human emotions. It depends in part, though, about what makes you mad. Simply getting mad about someone cutting you off in traffic, or taking too long in the Chick-Fil-A drive-through to place an order – those are legitimately no big deals. But if getting mad about injustice, or prejudice, or sin in any of its manifestations is part of who you are, that’s different. If anger positively affects your actions, that doesn’t seem to be a bad thing. Case in point – Jesus with the moneychangers in the temple. He was livid, but His anger was justified and purposeful.

Rule #3 – Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.

Here’s how this works: you may have some belief that you’ve staked your very well-being on. It might be a matter of politics, of health, or even your faith and theology. And – horrors! – you find out that you were simply wrong. The result is that you double-down, shunning all other opinions, and you scurry for support to other like-minded individuals.

Let’s don’t be that way. Don’t let your ego get to that place. God is consistently bringing me down a notch 0r two. Remember your Uncle Tony’s mandate: Periodically, look in the mirror and say, “You know, I could be wrong.”

Rule #4 – It can be done.

Being hopeful (or hopeless) can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can have hope if you WANT to have hope. Guard yourself against being negative and pessimistic. Start from the opposite side – be optimistic first. As Powell wrote: “Always start out believing you can get it done until facts and analysis pile up against it. Have a positive and enthusiastic approach.”

Rule #5 – Be careful what you choose: You may get it.

My parallel thought to this is “Be careful what you pray for. Sometimes, an answered prayer can cause all sorts of unnecessary grief.”

Rule #6 – Don’t let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.

When faced with a tough decision, Powell wrote, you should gather as much information as possible — but in the end, use your judgment and instincts to make the right decision.

“This is when you look deep into your own fears, anxiety, and self-confidence. This is where you earn your pay and position,” he wrote.

I’d call this “trusting your spiritual gut.” Faith in Christ sometimes doesn’t make any rational sense.

Rule #7 – You can’t make someone else’s choices. You shouldn’t let someone else make yours.

Chances are you are surrounded by plenty of “helpful” people. Experts, even. But if what you’re hearing is not in harmony with your values and morals, keep moving. And, as much as it grieves me to say this, this really comes into play with these lovely pandemic days.

There is always a “right” out there, and it comes from the heart of God Himself. Just get as close to Him as you can and do whatever you feel like doing.

Rule #8 – Check small things.

As a leader, Powell noted, he’d often drop in on other departments and wander around the office to see what others were working on. That’s because for him, success was built off small details.

Here’s another thought: It’s the small things, the habits you form, the thoughts you cultivate, that determine how your life will go. Neglect those small things – like, for instance, spending time alone with God,  avoid listening to negative people – and it will most assuredly take a toll on you.

Rule #9 – Share credit.

“Let all employees believe they were the ones who did it. They were,” Powell wrote, adding that people need recognition and a sense of worth “as much as they need food and water.”

As a believer, you are a product of God, of course. But you are also a product of people that loved on you, believed in you, and propped you up when times were hard. Hey – can you pay that forward? Try this – tell one of your Christian brothers or sisters, “I love seeing what God is doing in your life” and mean it. It will do your soul good, and there’s no telling the impact your simple, sincere words might have on them. We are all motivated by emotional as well as spiritual needs. Here’s something you can do.

Rule #10 – Remain calm. Be kind.

My gosh, could anything be any more self-evident? If your life is in chaos, that chaos will spill over into others. I don’t enjoy being around someone in a perpetual state of panic. That doesn’t encourage me. By the same token, people who are simply chill calm me.

My wife Teresa had total knee replacement surgery last week. That’s a story for another day. She’s doing pretty well. I hadn’t met her surgeon before the day of the surgery, but after visiting with him before and after, I was struck by just how at ease he was and how his very bearing gave me confidence. I don’t want a doctor treating me who is wringing his or her hands.

And be kind. I beat this drum a lot these days, but again, this is something you can easily do. You can’t help it if people are mean to you, but you don’t have to strike back. I mean – what good does it do?

Rule #11 – Have a vision. Be demanding.

Powell was referring to how a leader needs to inspire and pull out the best in his or her followers. Coming at it from a different perspective, it might be helpful to make it personal.

Ancient script teaches us that where there is no vision, the people perish. So let’s think in terms of personal vision, and of demanding God’s best for ourselves. If you want to stay sane, and be effective, then you absolutely have to have a sense of where you want to go and how to get there.

Fortunately, the hard work is already done.

God has a plan, a perfect plan, for all of us. Our vision is simply to comply with what He already has planned for us to do. Demand of yourself that you won’t accept anything but God’s mandates for yourself. You serve Him. He doesn’t serve you. People have an emotional need for purpose, and it runs deep. Guess what? You already have a purpose. As Henry Blackaby said – find out what God is doing and join Him.

Rule #12 – Don’t take counsel of your fears or naysayers.

Fear is an absolutely valid human response. To some extent, it can keep us alive – it can be useful. But it can’t control us.

“Fear not” shows up scores of times in scripture. The key is to acknowledge your fear, determine if it’s legitimate, and act accordingly. If we aren’t careful, fear can control us, and that certainly isn’t healthy. There are irrational fears, and I’d wager most of our fears are. That’s isn’t what you want motivating you.

Same thing with naysayers. There are plenty of people who will tell you you’re wrong, you’re misled, and you’ll never change. You’ll never accomplish what you want to. Maybe they won’t be so blunt; maybe they’ll take the passive-aggressive route. Either way, you can’t let the negativity of others unduly influence you. They are more likely to be wrong than right. And if they are right, glean what you can from what they’ve said and move on.

Rule #13 – Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.

Powell said that people around you feed off your optimism.

That means you need to be optimistic, for yourself and for others. It’s not just believing something can be done; it’s showing others that your heart attitude proves it can be done.

For the believer, there is no justifiable reason not to be optimistic. Pessimism grows out of fear of what could go wrong, and sometimes that’s informed by things that have gone wrong in the past.

Fact is, God is orchestrating the circumstances of your life. Nothing is going to get to you without passing by Him first. So whatever happens, we need to remember that there are no accidents. We don’t need to take counsel of our fears.  God has made you invincible. That’s not a bad superpower to have.

I think you might find some wise counsel and encouragement in Powell’s words. And, as a believer, you know that the most important words come from God Himself. In temporal terms, Powell’s words won’t last, but that doesn’t mean we can’t glean truths from them today.

Talk later! Be blessed.

Your job is to reduce the pain in the world. Where do you start?

The title of this blog was a little clickbaitish for sure, and you may have elected to read this because you thought you might find some answers.

Sorry, pal. This isn’t the answer you wanted. What I did want to do was to get your own personal juices flowing.

I offer this in the spirit of “dream big,” because “little dreams” is an oxymoron.

I’ll share my thoughts. I’d love for this to be interactive, so your comments are big-time welcomed.

If we’re to reduce pain in the world, we need to determine just what kind of pain we’re talking about. I have some arbitrary categories:

1. Mental pain: When your thoughts are overwhelming you and you can’t “shut down” or take a break from your mental processes. Spending too much time in your own head might be an example.
2. Financial pain: You’re always worried about money. Perhaps it’s justified. You may find yourself jobless, no income, or a drained bank account
3. Physical pain: Health issues, obviously. But it could be hunger, homelessness, and other social ailments.
4. Family pain: This would cover all the grief and concern that comes from having a family. Wayward kids, divorce, infidelity, and things like that come into play.
5. Relational pain: This includes everything outside family – broken friendships, loneliness, being misunderstood – this could be a long list.
6. Spiritual pain: Where is God when it hurts? Or how about trying to have spiritual needs met and you’re met by silence, or looking in the wrong places?
7. Work pain: How about being trapped in a job that drains you? How about that unreasonable, inhumane boss? This could cover a lot of territory.

If we’re to reduce the pain in the world, there needs to be some focus, obviously. Some of these are first-world pains, too. Where to start? It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?

Obviously, if someone I don’t know in Sri Lanka is facing financial pain, I can’t realistically help them.

If I’m going broad, unless I’m in a place of leadership and influence, I don’t have the resources to do much to alleviate world hunger. I’m just one person, right?

And you’re just one person, too. There’s that overwhelm again!

You’re probably way out ahead of me by now … you see where I’m going.

The harsh fact is that, again, unless I’m in some position of authority, I simply can’t solve the problems of the world. I can’t reduce the world’s pain.

Sounds like a job for the Almighty to me.

Bingo.

Here, then, is what you can do.

1. Change – at least heart change – happens to one person at a time. It might be that the government makes new laws, and they impact all of us. That’s not what I’m talking about.
2. Based on that, we look to the needs of individuals.
3. If someone is hurting, you really want a name and a face.
4. If you are to reduce the pain in the world, and are genuinely thinking in terms of universal healing, God can do that. He does intervene in the works of man.
5. We, then, are to simply pray. Pray that God’s will be done.
6. We are to pray specific prayers. Very specific. While there’s nothing “wrong” with praying “bless all the people who are starving,” or “bless all the couples going through divorce,” how will you know if that prayer has been answered? God hears those prayers, of course, but I think He enjoys it when He can show His work to us in tangible ways.
7. One positive action can lead to another. If you help or encourage that one person, who knows what will happen next?
8. Be the example you want to see in the world. If you want to reduce the pain in the world, it’s not selfish to be thinking in terms of what you need. I like to think in terms of the “wounded healer.” Henri J. M. Nouwen wrote a simple book by that title. Check it out and you’ll see what I mean.
9. You can make a difference without even realizing it.

Your impact will often go unnoticed. That’s the way it should be.

Be blessed. Comments are SO welcomed!

I had a friend tell me once, “Your mind can be working perfectly well, but at the same time your emotions can be out in the street kicking cans.” I rather liked that, even though the truth of it isn’t pleasant. What is it about our emotions that can grab us and drag us all over the map? Why is it that our rational thinking can say one thing but our emotional state undo our sane thinking?

Let me share with you ten random thoughts about emotions. These don’t have any real clinical backing – in full disclosure, this is the Gospel According to Tony, and as such is really fallible. These aren’t in any particular order.

1. Your emotions don’t have to control you.

Fact is, they often do, but that comes as a matter of choice. For instance, you can’t truthfully say “He makes me mad.” Nope. No one can make you anything. You might receive some sort of stimulus, but you can choose your response. In this age of entitlement when everything is someone/something else’s fault, we tend to forget one huge fact – you have been given the power to choose. Isn’t that something.

2. Examine your emotions frequently. 

This may smack of some sort of feely-touchy navel gazing, but its actually healthy to monitor how you’re feeling at any given time. Many times your emotions are just a reflection of what you believe, about yourself and the world around you. Furthermore, emotional responses often are based on false perceptions – for instance, things are seldom actually as bad as they seem, but we act like little things are apocalyptic. We react to perception instead of reacting to reality.

3. You may think you’re a “feeler.” That’s fine, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a “thinker,” too.

 There’s a balance here. You may be one of those people who lead from their gut – letting an emotional tsunami totally override rational thought. You aren’t an amoeba, or lungfish, or cocker spaniel. You don’t operate totally on instinct. You can reason and ponder. (As an aside, I cringe when people suggest that you “follow your heart.” Ancient script teaches that the heart is deceitful among all things. That’s fodder for another blog.)

4. Sadness won’t kill you.

This one is tough; we view sadness and sorrow as alien and unwelcome. Sure, I’d prefer to be happy over being sad. But there’s good that comes from it. You’re better able to identify with folks, and minister to folks, who are in similar circumstances. I am personally more attracted to people who struggle and persevere than people who seem to have it all together (spoiler: they DON’T). You couldn’t survive on the same emotional plane all the time. It’s like the seasons … all four are necessary to the health and well-being of the planet and us.

5. God cries. Jesus wept. 

The joke is that for me, sometimes my bladder gets behind my eyeballs. I don’t think I’m as prone to the weepies as I used to be. Maybe that’s an age-related thing. But remember – quoting the great theologian Gandalf the Gray, “Not all tears are evil.” Nor are they a sign of weakness. But you knew that already.

6. Emotions change like the seasons.

I’ve already hinted at this, but no one – unless there are some other problems or issues – stays in one constant emotional state. Don’t fret if your emotions change, even frequently. There are all sorts of dynamics that can go into that. If your emotions are totally uncontrollable, that’s one thing. But if you just have a blue day, or if you find that simple things give you joy the next, that’s perfectly fine. How you are today is most likely not the way you’ll remain. That’s a good thing. Now, GOD is constant, but that, too, is for discussion some other time.

7. Figure out whether time alone, or time with other people, is the best way to deal with your emotional state. 

Obviously, this depends on the situation and the emotions you’re experiencing. Sometimes you simply need someone else around, someone you trust, someone you can bounce questions off of. (Choose wisely!) And there are other times when you need to withdraw from humanity for a season and decompress. Know yourself and know what you need. Take care of you – if you don’t, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

8. Figure out to do with Philippians 4:6, where Paul tells us not to be anxious. 

Here’s what it says, in the New International Version: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Well, pilgrim, I’m guessing that the “don’t be anxious” command might sound like a fantasy. Maybe you’re a worrier. Maybe you worry because you worry. The key, I think, to making this verse a reality in your life is found in the last sentence of verse 5: “The Lord is near.” That’s the truth to cling to – no matter how bad things seem to be unraveling around you, God is right there. Right there. 

9. Those who don’t feel deeply wish they could.

This is an odd little truth, but folks who stand around stoically taking in the world, wondering what all the personal storm and stress is all about, secretly long to be able to engage on something besides a purely intellectual level. It’s okay and encouraged to feel, and to feel authentic emotion. It completes us as human beings. That’s all to say that you simply need to be real. And, perhaps, feel a little compassion for those that don’t.

10. You have the ability to feel because God has emotions, too.

We’re made in His image, right? We want to be wary of assigning God the same types of emotions we experience – for instance, when ancient script speaks of God being a jealous God, it’s not the same sort of jealously we experience. But He is a God of unbridled joy, and I think He enjoys seeing us having that same joy. And He reserves His anger and wrath for sin – He never “flies off the handle.” If you’re emotional, you’re in good company.

Here’s a bonus (I couldn’t keep it at just 10), and it’s all about supernatural comfort: 2 Cor. 1:3 – 4 … Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. That’s it, right there.          

What is success, anyway? Volumes have been written on this, and the definition of success is oh-so subjective. Your success criteria and mine might be in two different places.

Still, I’d like to tackle this one. As always, this is the gospel according to Tony, and you might think you know better. That’s entirely possible, and I’m at peace with you about that. Success can be in the eye of the beholder.

Foundationally, I’d say that unless you think you’re a success it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of you. For instance, you can be a gazillionaire and the world thinks you’re amazing. Yet your soul is barren and your relationships are wretched. See what I mean? Success has to be an internal thing if it’s to have any meaning to you. I love this quote from Thoreau:

“A man is rich in the proportion of things he can let alone.” So as we ponder success, remember that I ain’t necessarily talking about finances. (Although, I’d say that anyone who says that money isn’t important will lie about other things, too.)

So what are some factors to consider?

1. Purpose. I’m all about goals – goal setting and goal achieving. I believe that’s critical to success. Maybe one day I’ll post a bibliography of helpful books and resources. In the meantime, just latch onto this: You’re always moving toward some kind of goal, either by purpose or default. Life will mean something if you’re going somewhere purposeful and of your choosing. Habakkuk 2:3 says, “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end – it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.”

• Consistency. If you’re remotely aware of how baseball works, you know that a batting average of .500 is pretty much a walk-on-water statistic. That means that half the time you’re batting, you get a hit, and, conversely, you miss just as many. Stated differently, you fail just as much as you succeed. If you’re successful, then count on having plenty of moments of failure. Wrap your head around this: you’re gonna screw up. But rather than burning energy worrying about what you did or didn’t do, how about using that energy on learning from what happened, sucking out whatever lessons you can, and moving on? It’s a matter of being consistent and not beating yourself up. Perseverance, in other words. How about this? “For the righteous falls seven times seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.” – Proverbs 24:16.

• Cost. Hey, guess what. There is no success for free. There are no shortcuts or work-arounds. I mean, what good is there in being successful if there wasn’t real effort to achieve it? It’s that old thing about how lottery winners tend to squander their gains because they didn’t have to work to get them. It needs to be hard, and God help us and others in our culture of entitlement. No one owes you squat. I can’t cite where I heard this, but I recall that a Steinway concert grand piano has 243 strings that exert a pull of 40,000 pounds on an iron frame. Music comes from tension, in other words. Isn’t that good? “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3.

• Being pleased. This isn’t an original thought with me, but … success may be won with tears but it must be crowned with laughter. Hey, if success doesn’t please you and give you satisfaction, then it really isn’t success, now is it? Ultimately, you are the only one who can know what gives you pleasure in accomplishment. You sort of have to not give a rip about what anyone else thinks. If you’re pleased, poop on ‘em. What do they know? So be satisfied and don’t apologize. That means … you may be an abject failure in the eyes of the world, but if you’re content because you’ve reached a meaningful personal goal, good for you. Psalm 37:4 is a good one here: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Note it’s YOUR heart and no one else’s!

• Spiritual faith. All this talk of success ultimately has to be grounded in belief. We Americans have been taught to be individualistic, to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, be self-made men or women, ad infinitum. As a Christian, however, I yield to the connectedness that comes from being part of a purpose bigger than myself. In my naïve worldview, I just can’t see how I could feel successful without acknowledging the Author of my purpose. This, it seems, is the great leveler. Someone might be a successful yard man and another be a successful oil company executive. Both of these can be honorable positions in life, provided that those individuals feel that they’re successful in what they do, although they are separated by a huge financial gulf. But their spiritual faith – faith in God – could be exactly the same and just as meaningful. Different thread, common tapestry!

The key, I suppose, is to courageously be yourself.

Be well. Comments welcomed and encouraged!

“I’m stressed out.” You ever said that? Is that where you’re living right now?

Perhaps you’ve heard my testimony about dealing with mental and emotional issues, especially after my head injury and subsequent post-concussion syndrome for the last couple of years. It’s a thing, and I never dreamed I’d be that person that people would talk about saying, “Poor Tony. After he scrambled his brain, he never was the same again.”

That’s true, I guess. But I’m not stressed out because of that. Actually, I’m generally not stressed out anyway. I’m pretty chill. Depression is my Kryptonite; that’s not what we’re talking about today.

I watch people I know and love in recent days teeter on the verge of a “come apart” (and if you’re not a Southerner, I don’t know if that communicates well. If you’re one of my foreign readers, it just means that you are about to break down, have a fit, or conniption, or whatever.) They are legitimately stressed out.

What do you do if you’re in that state?

I have four thoughts to pass along.

1. If worry and anxiety are a problem for you, set aside a specific time of day for it. You think I’m kidding? I’m not. Don’t let it ruin your whole day. If worry creeps in and you’re stressed out, then jot it down and determine to put if off until your scheduled “worry time.” That compartmentalizes it, condenses it, and gives you freedom for the rest of the day. That’s actually a stopgap measure – we want to squelch stress and not have to make time for it.
2. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. I believe stress can be born from suppressed emotions – guilt, jealousy, hatred, anger, and envy can all cause huge anxiety. Sometimes you can figure out what the issue is. Other times, a professional needs to evaluate what’s happening. Once the emotion and its source are pinpointed, two things need to happen:
   1. Ventilate those feelings. Get them out. I’d say that you need to have a safe person to open up to. I’d start with the One who is always there, God Himself. He’s promised to never leave or forsake you. It’s all about confessing your thoughts and actions.
   2. Cultivate good friendships. This can be tricky, because I’m talking about more than just acquaintances. This will need to be someone who can keep confidences, someone who has your best interests at heart, and who won’t judge.
   3. The biggie? Accept God’s forgiveness for your weaknesses, but you absolutely, without question, need to forgive others you feel have done you wrong. There is no shortcut, and you cannot, under any circumstances as a child of God, excuse a lack of forgiveness. You can’t control  the actions of other folks, but you can always choose to forgive. That’s liberating.
3. Schedule and practice a quiet time. If you want to function and not be stressed out, then you need to have a definite time of solitude and reflection. Wondering how you can find the time for it? You just do. I assure you there are plenty of people who have fuller schedules than you who make this a priority. I promise you can find five minutes. That’s a great starting point.
   1. Meditation is a part of this. If you’re stressed out, this will help. I’m not talking about some eastern religion weird thing, but just a time to let God speak. You breathe. You find a natural rhythm. Be still and listen. Shhhh.
   2. Then there’s prayer. If you’re a stressed-out believer, this is crucial. Ancient script – from Philippians 4 – states: 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I love this because it speaks of God’s peace guarding our hearts and minds. Your rational mind can inform you that you have no reason to be stressed out, but we are anyway. It’s because your mind knows what’s happening but it hasn’t made it to your heart yet. Still – you can have peace. It’s a promise.
4. Be obedient. This is tough if you’re stressed out. Most of the time we’re very aware of God’s will, because it’s spelled out in scripture. We just have to do what we know we’re supposed to. Simple, right? Sometimes, not so much. Here’s the thing: we often wait until we’re faced with a big decision between right and wrong. Then we’re caught off guard and screw up. Well, the best time to make a decision is before circumstances force us to make a decision. Settle in your mind and heart that you’re going to follow God’s teachings, no matter what. If we fail (and we will), then we simply confess, agree with God we blew it, and move the heck on.

Obviously, this is not a comprehensive list of what to do when you’re stressed out.

I know our lives are hectic, demanding, and stressful. Even good things can contribute to that stress and anxiety – family, work, school, sports, and other activities. What can you do to deal with those pressures?

Just get as close to God as you can and roll with it.

Be well.

We’re talking about a food mindset today. It’s always a joy to introduce y’all to a guest blogger. I ran across Chad Gramling more or less randomly, like I’m prone to do.

He’s multifaceted, for sure, and his book, Food Thrifting, is available on Amazon at the link. Man, it’s good. It goes way way beyond just money saving. I’ve had a wonky relationship with food all my life, and this helped me get some sense and focus.

Chad hangs out at 1Glories.com. His blog is darn good, and he’s one worth following.

Check this out. It’s good stuff!

How Your Food Mindset Can Improve Your Wellbeing

Like it or not, we all have relationships with food and money. The same reasons we seek out “retail therapy” may be the same reasons we go for a pint (or gallon) of ice cream. Could be a bad day. Could be that you have reason to celebrate. Whatever the reason, there is a relationship.

It’s proof that, as people, we are prone to misplacing our relationship emphasis on stuff, like food and money. This is instead of with God and God’s people.

Of course, the food suppliers and marketers of our world know we behave this way. They know we lack discipline over our spending and eating. Couple this with being a noisey culture that’s constantly busy; and healthy — or even unhealthy — eating as a family becomes less frequent. A rarity, perhaps, for some families.

In our noisy culture, food is fast. Food is fuel. Food is a substitute. Something to “fill us.” It’s a substitute for the connection of a relationship.

Righting Your Food Mindset

Having the good fortune of growing up with the influence of both sets of grandparents who were products of the Great Depression, I got many lessons on stewarding food resources. So much so, it became a pillar of my personal worldview.

That’s why I can’t help but notice when I see people who would gain value in knowing and adopting some of these behaviors into their own lives.

Years back, I felt a calling from God to share these lessons by compiling them into a book. The book had a few starts and stops. I put it off, and then something changed that compelled me to finally finish it.

Food and Poverty

As our worst fears over the Coronavirus started becoming real, and the whole world essentially lurched toward a shutdown, people — as would be expected — panicked. Store shelves were depleted and food suppliers couldn’t replenish fast enough.

The impact of seeing this upon my psyche was pretty severe. You see, during the course of researching and writing my book, FoodThrifting, I took a deep dive into the state of food, food distribution, and skills for preparing food in this country. What I had observed convinced me that the food industry is one of the big reasons poverty exists here and elsewhere in the world.

While witnessing the shelves being emptied and meat markets unable to keep up with demand, I took it all in. I thought about the single-parent on a limited income or a family living paycheck-to-paycheck. And then, once they had funds to get their regular groceries, possibly couldn’t find anything to buy. I thought about the households where cooking wasn’t a skill they were taught while growing up and therefore relies more on restaurants, which were mostly closed. I thought about the kids that get much of their food through free school meals, which were at risk of not being available.

Relationships with Food Matters

Poverty is a very real part of life. And Jesus said there will always be poverty (Matthew 26:11). I don’t think he said this to tell us to just accept it as fact. No, I think he said it as a mandate to live and love by his example.

How so?

Well, dig into your Bible and you will see Jesus using food, not as a substitute, but as a facilitator of relationships. Author, professor, and preacher, Leonard Sweet, notes, that food “was the language Jesus used to introduce us mortals to the wisdom of God and the ways of creation. Think about it. Every time you turn around in the Scriptures, Jesus is eating and drinking. These feasts are significant. They tell us of a God of Joy and celebration, a God of life and health, a God who offers us ‘soul food,’ the very ‘bread of heaven.”

Following the example of Christ and his ministry, we can use food to facilitate relationships. To help people achieve increased wellness in their lives, whether physically, financially, or spiritually. Truthfully, as I have learned, all three go hand-in-hand. And being a responsible steward of your food and money resources – thereby being well in your own life and being able to help others in theirs – allows you to work towards all three at once.

Been there, done that. Then been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

I ran across this little piece of painful truth in a meme a week or so ago. It’s pretty funny because I bet we can all identify to some extent.

I’ve been there and done that, and then returned for seconds.

What is it in our nature, I wonder, that makes us want to get muddy in the same hole twice?

I have a friend who, before he finally got around to getting married, went through multiple girlfriends. The last half-dozen relationships had the same trajectory. Meet, get consumed, get serious, crash and burn.

When his future bride came along, his comment was, “She’s just not like my other exes.”

And I thought, “That’s probably why they were exes.”

What said friend came to realize that he was repeating the same formula over and over with what he came to see were predictable results. With women, he’d been there, done that, and it never went well.

Think about putting the breaks on a bad habit. You know what to do to rid yourself of it, you work passionately to dump it, and you end up just as you were.

Weight loss, for instance. Most of us who have fought the battle of the bulge have tried multiple ways to shed pounds. We chased after the latest and greatest no-fail method. And we found out that diets just don’t work. Been there, done that.

Fact is, no one ever ate anything accidentally. Actions are alway preceded by a choice.

You can come up with your own list of lessons unlearned.

The most grievous unlearned lessons are the ones from our souls. We know what to do. We absolutely know what has to happen to change our life trajectory.

And we don’t do it.

The apostle Paul understood this and riffed on it at some length. Here are his struggles as found in Romans 7:14-25:

¹⁴ Certainly we know that the law is spiritual, but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not keep doing what I want. Instead, I do what I hate. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ But now it is no longer I who am doing it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ Indeed, I know that good does not live in me, that is, in my sinful flesh. The desire to do good is present with me, but I am not able to carry it out. ¹⁹ So I fail to do the good I want to do. Instead, the evil I do not want to do, that is what I keep doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who am doing it, but it is sin living in me.

²¹ So I find this law^[c] at work: When I want to do good, evil is present with me. ²² I certainly delight in God’s law according to my inner self, ²³ but I see a different law at work in my members, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me captive to the law of sin, which is present in my members. ²⁴ What a miserable wretch I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵ I thank God^[d] through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my sinful flesh I serve the law of sin.

Yeah, that Paul. He got it. He understood “been there, done that.” Sounds to me he knew exactly what to do and kept going back to the same old pattern of living.

Often, when I’m dealing with some sort of internal struggle – which, on a bad day, can lead to some real self-loathing (NOT healthy), I look back on the times I made good choices. I think about when I was able to prevail against unwholesome patterns and corrected my behavior.

It’s a fallacy to say “you never learn.” You do learn. We just don’t let that knowledge of failure become wisdom.

I know when I’ve screwed up. No one has to point that  out.

So, here’s a little exercise. If you’re really ambitious, you could do this in your journal. That’s best, of course, but even just quietly thinking this through could be helpful.

• What’s the one been there, done that issue in your life that you tend to repeat over and over? You may come up with a list. Just pick one.
• Why is this such a thing? Do you enjoy feeling the way you do about it? Is this something like a favorite sin? (Don’t get so high and mighty and say “I don’t have a favorite.” I bet you do. It just jumped full-blown into your head right then.)
• What have you done in the past to move past that thing and bury it once and for all?
• Why didn’t any of your attempts work?
• Worse, did you even try?
• Now that you’ve isolated that one thing – the one been there, done that thing you repeat over and over – what do you plan to do about it?
• Re that previous point – there is something you haven’t tried, or else you’d be over it. So I’ll ask again – what is your plan?

You’ve probably realized that this isn’t easy. Perhaps you prefer whatever it is that’s dogging you to giving it up.

That’s a spiritual issue. If you know something is wrong and to continue doing it – well, it’ll take divine intervention to banish it. Seeking God to heal and deliver, in other words.

You have to really want that. That’s step one.

Step two is to do what you need to do. That’s as simple as it can be to understand, but extraordinarily hard to act on. You just have to move. Act now.

When Mike Singletary was asked, “How do you account for your success playing college and professional football?” he answered:

“I determined what I had to do to be successful, and I did it.”

There’s a pretty good lesson there for the “been there, done that” league.

Candidly, we all know what we need to do to break the cycle of repeating the same mistakes over and over.

Let God do the heavy lifting. Just be obedient without question.

Tony’s Question: What’s the next big risky step you need to take to end the pattern of “been there, done that, and I’ll never learn” in your life? Share your thoughts below.