You’re so hard on yourself.

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Take a moment. Sit back.

Are you a perfectionist? A control freak? Do you always want to have things your own way? And when things you do aren’t perfect; when things you want to control won’t cooperate; and when things don’t go your way, do you blame yourself?

If this isn’t you, you can close this blog and wait until the next one shows up.

But if it is you, this might be a good one to pay some attention to.

I wouldn’t classify myself as a perfectionist. More than once in my life I’ve said “That’s good enough,” and moved on. I guess I’m selective; some things have to be right or else I’ll tailspin into an OCD pit. I like a neat and orderly desk, for instance. Mostly, though, I can be okay with decent enough.

Control freak? That’s not me, either. If you want to refer to my last blog, you’ll know where I’m coming from. There is just a whole lot in my world that I can’t do anything about, and I don’t let those things occupy valuable mindspace. Now, the things I can do something about and don’t, perhaps that’s a different issue. Maybe it depends on whether they’re a genuine big deal or not. Most of the time they aren’t.

Wanting things to go my own way? Well, yeah. Who wouldn’t? Of course, that sentiment is predicated by the reality that my own way may not be the right way, or the wise way, or God’s way. Perhaps, then, I don’t need to have things go my way. See how that works?

Let me take you a little deeper with this.

When I say “hard on yourself,” the points I stated above would be typical traits of a lot of people. That’s not exactly where I’m going.

Consider this, and it’s up close and personal.

I want you to marvel at your life. It really has been something, hasn’t it? It hasn’t been ordinary in the least. It’s been special. Amazing.

It may be that you find that you are unreasonably hard on yourself because of some choices you’ve made, things you’ve said, or attitudes you’ve held that have caused you personal hurt. It’s things you can’t undo or take back. It’s experiences you’ve had that may have scarred you. You want to know why things unfolded the way they did. You wonder why you keep repeating the same harmful patterns.

Be hopeful, friend. This isn’t the end. Think about your life experiences. And those life experiences aren’t always just about us.

  • There is the grief that softened you. I don’t know how old you are, but I’d wager that at whatever age you find yourself you’ve experienced grief. Primarily, our thought about grief is that we experience it after the death of a loved one. That is a legitimate cause of grief. Even among believers, we miss those we care about. Grief can come in other packages, too – grief over the loss of a job, of a friend, of a relationship, over any number of other things. Grief should make our hearts more tender. We should be more in tune with ourselves as we grieve. Not discounting our raw emotion, grief should make us more aware of people hurting around us. And, we should not waste our grief. We should be open to reaching out to others in the same place because of how we’ve experienced grief.  Don’t be hard on yourself because you’re grieving. It is part – a necessary part – of the human condition.
  • There is the heartache that wisened you. I’m trying not to go all negative here, but heartache is also part of everyone’s life experience. We look at heartache as an unwelcome visitor to our happy lives. We think it is a fluke of sorts – I mean, isn’t heartache wrong? Aren’t we entitled to pain-free days? Uh … nope. We aren’t entitled to anything of the sort. The upside here is that heartache can and should make us very, very wise. Again, it’s a matter of understanding why our hearts hurt and using the knowledge gained from that hurt to give us wisdom. This isn’t a matter of being smart. Lots of folks are smart. There may just be a handful of people who are genuinely wise. I want that for me. And, I understand that those life experiences in which my soul is crushed are what take me to a place of true wisdom.
  • There is the suffering that strengthens you. I don’t know how you define suffering for yourself personally. We talk about “first world problems,” like having your cell phone go dead without a charger handy. That’s not really suffering, now is it? Most of us don’t suffer because of a lack of food or shelter or clothing. In the grand scheme of things, we typically don’t really suffer because of external events. (There are natural disasters like floods and fires, and certainly they move you into a place beyond simple discomfort. Maybe we could consider that seasonal suffering … you know it’s a state you won’t be in forever.) We can talk, though, about physical suffering, or mental or emotional suffering/anguish. That’s real stuff. It can be awful. But as in the previous two points, there is a beautiful positive in suffering, and that is that suffering strengthens us. I’d contend that our experiences in life, especially the awful ones, prepare and strengthen us for what’s coming up next … because you can bet you’ll face suffering of a different magnitude at times in your life. Suffering might just come in proportion to how we’ve dealt with it in the past. Every step prepares us for the next one.

(I am compelled to put in one unpopular note here, per Oswald Chambers … I return to this philosophy of his over and over again. Don’t be too quick to try to make things easier for someone who is going through a challenging time, especially spiritually. God is refining  him or her. Chambers warns about us being an “amateur Providence” in another’s life. Let them struggle and turn wholly to God. I pray that people be spared any unnecessary hurt … but I do believe some hurt is necessary. Having worked with teenagers for decades, I still cringe when I see well-meaning mamas swoop in and try to fix things for their kids so their lives will be “easier.” That’s all I’ll say about that.)

Let me land this plane. Ready?

Despite everything, you still grow.

Nothing should slow or stop your progress. “I give up” is a phrase to drop from our vocabularies. When you say “I give up,” what you’re actually saying is, “There’s no need to go on.” Is is really ever that bad?

It is not, at least not for the believer. I am not talking about coming to a place where there is nothing else to be done. I spoke a few days ago about saying “we done” in relationships. That is not giving up. It is a realistic assessment of a situation and knowing that you’ve done what honor has demanded, and it’s out of your hands.

What I want us to see is that giving up is just being hard on yourself because you feel inadequate. You think you aren’t learning anything or making progress.

Don’t factor God out of the equation. You don’t have the last word. He does. This is not a bad thing.

Once more – despite everything, you still grow.

That’s grace. Amazing grace.

4 thoughts on “You’re so hard on yourself.

  1. I’ve often asked God, “Why?” As my husband was dying, our 2 year old grandson came to live with us. I questioned , “why?” A few months later, Frank died. I was lost, but that little 2 year old gave me strength and a purpose. I understood God provided me what I needed to keep going. Now, I try not to question but accept there is a reason.

  2. I had replied back to Tony, Ha! You got me on this one, and he did! I am a senior, and I still struggle daily. I needed this so badly, and I think I’m going to save this and read it again every day this week.

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