Living for the approval of others.

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There are some people who live their entire lives living for the approval of others. Call it chronic people-pleasing.

I know of a woman who wouldn’t dare leave the house without all the beds being made up. That is not a bad thing – actually, it’s pretty virtuous. There’s a really fine book titled Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life …And Maybe the World that deals with this very thing. Highly recommended.

Here, though, was her motivation, her thinking: “If the house caught on fire, I don’t want the firemen thinking that I’m a slob.” She was serious.

Well okay then. She let the opinions of complete strangers dictate her behavior. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the firemen probably wouldn’t inspect her beds if the house were burning.

I can, in the abstract, understand her feelings.

My tendency, historically, has been to be a people-pleaser. I want people to like me. When someone says, “I don’t care what other people think,” I think to myself, “Gee, what a nice protective fort you’ve built for yourself.” I can’t relate to that; I do care what people think. Part of that is testimonial – I want folks to look at me and see God at work rather than pathetic ol’ Tony who ain’t all that.

So I’d be lying if I said that my behavior hasn’t at times been dictated by other people’s opinion of me. Living for the approval of of others? I get that.

Here’s where it gets complex.

Some people aren’t going to like you. Ever.

That, for me personally, is inconceivable. I can’t imagine anyone not liking me once they got to know me. I know that the first impression I give isn’t always the best – that’s an introvert thing, not jumping right in all cheerful and engaging. It takes me a minute. (I’ve learned some skills to compensate for that, but if you’ve never met me and I come across as all gregarious and approachable, just know that I’ve worked really, really hard to be able to do that. It doesn’t come naturally.)

Still, because I do easily show genuine interest in others, and do care deeply that people have good lives, get along, have plans that succeed, I don’t know why anyone would not want me around.

Shocker – some folks don’t like me. I don’t think there are that many, but in my mind, one is too many.

Some people don’t like you either, so don’t be getting all high and mighty on me.

How does that manifest itself, and what does that have to do with living for the approval of others?

You become others’ puppet if you aren’t careful, jerked along on invisible strings. There are some people who’ve made up their minds about you, and there really isn’t anything you can do to change their opinions, try as you might.

So why try? Seriously.

Conventional wisdom (by way of Polonius – Hamlet – Wm. Shakespeare) says, “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” That’s good counsel, and difficult to take for many of us. (I’ll share even better counsel in a minute.)

I put a high premium on being authentic. But I do adjust my attitude and behavior sometimes based on who I’m with.

Here’s what happens. You can keep the course of y0ur own life, not veering to the right or to the left. Or you can be a chameleon, changing to fit the social environment.

It doesn’t matter. People will form opinions of you no matter what you do, and you can’t force that. You will be judged, sometimes unfairly or inaccurately.

One day, perhaps, people who know you now (or think they know you now) will look back and realize they were wrong. They will see they should have given you a chance. That’s good. It won’t undo what happened in the past, but it’s still good.

In the here and now, though, guard yourself. Don’t do things intended to prove others wrong about you. It’ll exhaust you, trying to change people’s opinions of you. Be steadfast – it’ll save you some confusion. You don’t want to forget who you really are.

Here’s my best counsel (with all due respect to Polonius):

Do what you do for the Lord. Don’t be living for the approval of others. Actually, don’t even do it for yourself. You’re harder to please than anyone else.

Let me be clear: Do what you do for the Lord. He’s the One who has been here all along.

 

 

6 thoughts on “Living for the approval of others.

  1. Awesome stuff following right along with the first chapter of Galatians …. Life really became easier when the light bulb of this reality clicked on… It was great to find the connectivity and understanding of Two was better than trying to gain that of too many!😍👏👏👏

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