I love having guest bloggers grace You Can Have Hope! I’ve been reading Amy’s stuff for a while now, and think what she has to say is sweetly wonderful. I heartily recommend her to you all.

Amy Carroll is a speaker and writer for Proverbs 31 Ministries. She’s the author of Breaking Up with Perfect and Exhale as well as the director and coach of Next Step Coaching Services.  As a woman who loves a great story and a challenging idea, co-hosting the Grit ‘n’ Grace podcast has become one of her favorite things.

Amy and her husband live in lovely Holly Springs, NC where you can find her on any given day texting her adult kids, typing away at her computer, or trying to figure out one more alternative to cooking dinner.  Join Amy at amycarroll.org where she’s gathering tender hearts and strong voices, or find out more about her speaker coaching services at nextstepcoachingservices.com.

The longer I read the shorter my breath grew, and I felt the heat of stress radiating from my constricted heart. “At my house, the bustle stops when we gather with our daughters to trim the tree,” Gayle Butler, editor of Better Homes and Gardens, gushed.

Then she went on to describe her family’s lovely evening complete with traditional music, story-telling, and eggnog. She ended by saying, “By the time our quiet evening concludes, we’re energized and ready to try something new.”

Wow. That sounds just like my family. (Insert sarcastic tone here.)

My case of hives wasn’t so much from the article. I’m happy for Gayle and her peeps. Really. Instead, it came from memories of one particular tree-trimming evening at my house.

We all started well–hubs, the boys and me–matching up with the perfect pictures of Christmas preparations in my mind. It was just like BH & G. Amy Grant crooned Christmas carols in the background. Eggnog was poured into the red glass cups that I had snagged at a tag sale, and boxes of decorations from the attic lined the walls. For a fleeting moment, we experienced the perfect Christmas season.

But everything started downhill when it came time to put lights on the tree.

Squabbles erupted over tangled strings of bulbs. Somebody turned on the football game, and the sound of the TV clashed with the carols from the stereo. Instead of telling lovely stories of the ornaments’ histories as we hung each one, my boys began to make fun of the 70s-style baubles from my childhood. The perfect moment all fell apart faster than you can say, “Mama’s in a snit.”

Maybe they just got distracted, or maybe it was the maternal growls and snarls that drove them away, but suddenly I found myself sitting alone on the floor in front of the tree. The rest of my family had abandoned our decorating traditions.

I furiously gave the tree a yank to position it for another ornament, and…   TIMBER! It fell on me, driving the metal rod of one of the artificial branches into my arm.

That’s when it happened. Out of my mouth popped some of the overflow of a disgruntled perfectionist’s heart—a big, fat, four-letter word.

That brought the family back into the room.

“Mom! Did you just say #*!@?!”

To this day, there is one favorite Christmas story at my house. It’s not The Gift of the Magi or The Polar Express. Not even How the Grinch Stole Christmas makes the cut. Our family’s favorite story is The Day Mom Cussed When the Christmas Tree Fell on Her.

Sigh.

So much for the perfect family Christmas. Ours might be rated R.

This year is likely to be the hardest Christmas any of us can remember… especially if we’re holding tight to the idea of the ideal Christmas. After all, nobody’s up for singing “I’m Dreaming of a COVID Christmas.”

The tree-trimming I described above happened almost a decade ago, and I’ve now spent almost two decades breaking up with perfect. Only Jesus brings true perfection, so I’ve stopped pursuing my own so that He can start His perfecting work in me.

I’ve learned a few things we can all do as the holidays approach that will usher in what we all want this time of year—joy, peace, and a Jesus-focused heart. They’re all centered on relationships—with yourself, God, and others. Our circumstances will never be perfect, but our Christmas love can thrive.

Keep It Simple

Don’t drive yourself this season, and for heaven’s sake, don’t drive others either (a lesson I’ve learned the hard way). The pandemic has been difficult for all of us, and we’re tired. Be gentle with yourself and others.

For example, keep a family calendar and preserve some white space. For each opportunity presented, ask yourself what should not go on your calendar.

Leave some of the decorations in the attic. Pick up cookies for the holidays at the local bakery. Give a gift card to your cranky cousin that’s never pleased with his gift.

Have a discussion with friends and family about what is important to each person, and then let the rest go. I shake my head in sadness when I think of all the years that I drove myself and everyone else crazy with all the things I thought had to be done… stuff nobody enjoyed anyway.

Make Sure to Savor

Savor each person (even if they’re on Zoom instead of in the room), each moment, and most importantly, savor time each day with God. Linger in the candlelight of early morning. Let music of praise wash over you. Savor this season with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.

For me, it’s particularly hard to savor my relationship with Jesus from November through December. My mental lists lengthen in any quiet moment, so this is the season when I need some great devotional books to keep my thoughts focused. Here are a couple I’ve got close at hand for this season:

• The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp
• The Women of Christmas by Liz Curtis Higgs

I’m looking forward to a simpler but happier Christmas with my family in 2020. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that breaking up with unrealistic expectations—those pictures of the perfect Christmas that only live in my head—is the key to creating a Christmas that’s perfect for us. (Hopefully, minus four-letter words this year!)-

10 things you’d want to be said at your funeral! Have you ever thought about that?

I have. (Yeah, unfortunately, that’s how my mind works.)

My grandmother had a term she used about aging. She called it “the approaching Shade.” That’s so poetic and melancholy.

Sometimes I think about the approaching Shade. Not in a morbid way at all. It’s just a sweet way of realizing that I have more behind me than I do ahead of me, and that’s okay.

BUT – I have zero desire to be leaving this physical plane anytime soon. I have a lot to do yet.

So. 10 things you’d want to be said at your funeral. Coming up with that list can be an enlightening exercise.

Here’s my 10.

1. Tony was my go-to person for all things Disney. By his own admission, his passion for the Mouse was inexplicable. He was a fountain of Disney trivia, he considered Walt Disney World his second home, and if you were planning a trip yourself, he’d put together the ultimate experience for you. I’m surprised he’s not being buried in mouse ears.
2. Tony loved performing magic. He never was all that good, but people laughed and enjoyed themselves. That was more than sufficient.
3. Tony was a more-than-decent cook. He was absorbed by the Food Network. Turn him loose in the kitchen and he was a happy guy. And grilling? Give that boy a spatula, a properly heated and prepared grill, and some red meat, and he was good to go. He was an unrepentant carnivore. Well, actually an omnivore. There was only one food in all creation he wouldn’t eat – coconut. He didn’t like the way it looked, the way it smelled, its texture. He didn’t want to see a picture of it on a box. He didn’t even want you to eat it. He wanted to at least be able to tolerate it before he died. That didn’t happen.
4. Tony loved to travel. There was always somewhere else to go and see and do. He was as comfortable in an urban setting as he was in nature. Well rounded, yes? He’d soak up those experiences like a sponge. He always said he preferred mountains to the beach, but in later years decided the beach was okay. He liked the water. If told, “Here’s a towel. I want you to spread it out on that unbearably hot white dirt and lay on it. I want the sun to cook you to a neon pink,” then he would scream and run.
5. Tony was not vain. He would have like to have been “dapper,” but that involved too much work, and he cordially detested having to wear a necktie.
6. Tony was self-depreciating. He was never hesitant to poke fun at himself, and he never, ever wanted to take himself too seriously. “Contempt” might be too strong a word, but he tended to be annoyed by people who did take themselves too seriously. He believed that many of the problems of the world stemmed from humorless people who couldn’t see the absurdity of their own words and deeds. “Lighten up,” he’d say.
7. Tony’s sense of humor was warped. He loved satire. He loved seeing the high and mighty lampooned. His humor wasn’t vulgar, but it could sometimes be construed as inappropriate. For instance, he loved a good meme dealing with COVID-19. Some folks didn’t get that. At all.
8. Tony was an introvert. A textbook introvert. He loved his own company. He could mix and mingle and engage with the best of them, because he genuinely loved people. But after having to people too much, he’d have to go lay down. Sometimes he’d just get tired of folks. He could engage in small talk, but only in limited doses. When he was with you, he’d try to steer the conversation toward the meaning of life, what you’d observed about the unfolding of the world, and your dreams, goals, and aspirations. He wanted to know what you believed was your purpose in being here. He could do that for hours. He was an INFJ, and took some sort of misplaced pride in being part of the rarest of personality types – like anyone else cared!
9. Tony loved his family with a passion that was terrifying. His wife Teresa was his helpmeet and his pillar. He loved his extraordinarily different kids, Jeremy and Amy, who grew up to be honorable, ambitious young adults, and loved his in-laws, Kathleen and Stone. But those grandkids – Katherine and Levi – would absolutely cause him to lose his mind and all semblance of control. In his latter years those two were the best thing that ever happened to him.
10. Tony loved God. He was a disciple of Jesus Christ and served at His pleasure. The most important words he ever wanted to hear were “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Because of that relationship, Tony felt that his calling was simply to be an encourager.

That, folks, is what I would want to be said at my funeral. What are 10 things you’d want to be said at your funeral?

I have a lot to do to live up to my own desires. But I have some time yo work on that still. Don’t I, Lord?

Be blessed.

Tony’s Question: How about you?? What 10 things would you want to be said at your funeral? How about sharing just one of those below.

Oh, yeah … I’m taking a week-long break from the blog while I do a little vacay action. See y’all later!

Have you lost your mind? That’s something my mama would have said to me when I did something really stupid.

These days, though, I get the sense that there are a lot of people around me who’ve lost their minds. Hang out on social media for a while and you’ll see what I mean.

Unless you’ve been on Neptune the last few months, you know that we are living in an upside-down world. There’s lots going on in culture, for sure. There’s the pandemic, of course, which may end up being the defining event of our lifetimes … mine, anyway. Dealing with COVID-19 has caused many folks to lose their minds. Literally.

Have you lost your mind because of the ‘rona?

What has left me slack-jawed and perturbed is how this whole thing has been politicized. Of all the times we don’t need an “us vs. them” mindset, this should be one. Instead, it’s utterly polarized.

And it’s primarily over masks. Oh, Lawdy.

I should come clean and tell you that, yes, I routinely wear my mask. It’s just not that big of a deal. I do it not so much because I’m afraid of getting sick – the odds are really, really, really in my favor that I’ll do just fine. It just seems to be a simple courtesy I can do.

The non-mask wearers might think I’ve lost my mind. I’m one of the sheeple, y’know.

The thing about sheeple is that they’re identified by their supposed blind belief in something, someone, whatever. However … not many folks self-identify as a sheep. It’s always the other folks, those that don’t see things their way. Mask wearers and non-mask wearers can both be considered sheep under that criteria.

There may have been a time when I tried to reason with folks that didn’t see things the way I did. It wasn’t so much my desire to convert them (although that wouldn’t be all bad, since I’m typically right most of the time*), but rather to simply state my case, based on beliefs and facts as I’d discovered them. Then I would simply let them digest what I’d shared.

I’ve lost my mind trying to do that.

Here’s what I’ve discovered. Maybe this will help you deal with those difficult people (family? Friends?) who’ve lost their minds.

Reason doesn’t work.

Don’t try to reason. You’ll get the same results by going out in the street and banging your head on asphalt.

Silly me. I thought that most everyone I came in contact with was a “rational actor.” My assumption was that the other side was acting with reason, but with their own selfish motives. And if I could appeal to their motives and make them feel like their arguments were carrying the day, we’d all be fine. I’d destroy them with searing logic and they wouldn’t even know what happened.

Here’s truth, and I’m guessing it’s true of you and me both. Balk if you will.

I am neither totally rational or totally selfish. My desires are anything but stable. You are the same way.

I ran across a term that helped me get my head wrapped around this: “Cognitive bias.” Basically, that means that your worldview is based on unconscious and irrational thoughts most of the time. This is in the realm of pure emotion. And this bias literally distorts the way we see the world.

You understand this, of course, because you’ve been there. You’ve lost your temper. You’ve said things that seemed right and made you feel good at the time, and later realized you’d engaged your mouth way too early. Impulsive decisions? Can I get an amen?

You and I have two systems of thought. The Bible calls this being “double-minded.” There’s that part of our brain that is emotional, instinctive, and moves at the speed of light. Then there’s the other part, which is our slow, logical, reasonable mind.

We’d all like to think that we are rational, mature, deliberate, more-or-less sane people. But we’ve lost our minds, and those around us have, too.

Know why? It’s because that first kind of mind –  the emotional and instinctive one – guides and influences that second kind.

That’s why social media is such a lousy venue to be a persuader. By it’s nature it’s emotional, visceral, and “facts” are often anything but.

I’ve watched friends online spout what I thought was utter, even dangerous, nonsense. It’s all I can do to keep from setting them straight. I could offer a reasoned response. I COULD HOLLER IN ALL CAPS. Or I could call them names – that’s pretty popular.

I don’t know that there’s even a worldly solution to our collective loss of minds.

One strategy is simply learning to scroll past the things that cause you to lose your mind. I’ve typed out essay-length responses, only to delete them after getting ahold of myself.

Another would be simply to make this comment: “I see what you mean.” Or, it’s companion: “You may be right.” Then call it a day.

There is a divine solution to this “have you lost your mind” dilemma.

Here’s ancient script, Romans 12:2. It’s pretty familiar:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Here’s what’s going to have to happen. We have to have our minds and hearts renovated.

You can try to do it on your own, but you’ll end up uberfrustrated. Fixing yourself is not easy – it’s pretty impossible.

It comes from yielding your will to God’s. We don’t like that; we’d prefer to think we’re calling all the shots. Lemme know how that works out for you.

You aren’t going to change anyone’s mind. They’ve lost their minds as you often have, and God Himself is in the business of helping us find our minds again.

Does that mean that a right relationship with God will determine whether we wear masks or not? (There’s a baited question, isn’t it!)

Beats me. I have an opinion. But moving beyond the ‘rona and thinking about life overall, just remember: God is in the business of finding lost things, be it a sheep, a coin, or a wayward son.

Have you lost your mind? In Him, you can find it.

Be well.

* (that was a joke. You know, humor.)

Tony’s question: How would you know if you’ve lost your mind? Are there signals you’d watch for? Comment below, and as always, share this blog on social media and with friends and family.

Isn’t that an ominous phrase – “the End of Days?”

I’ve read a lot here lately on social media about the Second Coming, the Rapture, Armageddon, etc. (And if you aren’t a Christian, this may come across as inside baseball because those might not be terms you are familiar with. Keep reading anyway.)

The End of Days is an apocalyptic term which denotes the end of, well, everything.

I won’t get into the theology of this. I’m not smart enough, and you don’t have the time. But there’s plenty out there for you Googlers.

I’ve kept a journal for years. My journals are full of random stuff. It might be things that God is teaching me. You’ll find some prayers written out. There is some commentary on the state of the world. Personal reflections abound. There are some recipes, too.

Most of it would be of little note or interest to others.

I’d encourage you to keep a journal. Again, there are tons of tools out there to help you. Jim Rohn did significant work in that area. You’ll see why in a minute. You don’t want to miss any of what’s happening now.

So what is this about the End of Days?

In the past few weeks – okay, in pretty much all of 2020 to date, and today we’re halfway through the year – it’s reasonable to ask “what in the FAT is going on here?”

It isn’t random. It isn’t circumstantial. Something is afoot.

God is working earnestly in our society, our country, our world. On it’s face, you might think, “Man alive. God is sure confusing me.”

I believe He is more active than ever. His hand is in COVID-19, in wars and rumors of wars, in the mightiest halls of government, in the sea change happening because of George Floyd’s gruesome murder.

I have believed for some time that we’ve been under God’s remedial judgement in the United States. I can’t speak to other countries, but subjectively these days just “feel” different.

God is ministering peace to the remnant.

He is reminding us not just daily but hourly that we who are believers are strangers, foreigners, aliens and sojourners in this world.

Much of what we’re experiencing isn’t new. The American Civil War was fought from 1861 to 1865. Some days, though, it seems that the last 155 years was just halftime. My first 14 years straddled the end of the 50’s and the decade of the 60’s, and Lord knows that was one forevermore upheaval in society. (And as much as it pains me to say this, a lot of the rhetoric today sounds disturbingly like what you might’ve heard back then.)

After these past few months, I still can’t get my head wrapped around the pandemic. Imagine a whole world facing a common foe. This is a universally shared experience. You’d think this would be a call for us to unite against something that threatens all of us. I’m gonna leave that thought right there.

Maybe you’ve suffered in recent days, for whatever reason. So much of what we consider suffering was the normal state for those first-century Christians. I wouldn’t presume to put your suffering somewhere on a continuum; if you think you’re suffering, you are.

We are naive, if not delusional, if we believe that we won’t have struggles and heartbreak aplenty in this life. Just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean this is the End of Days. Unless, perhaps, it is a universal suffering. That gets my attention.

Those early Christians understood what it was like to have the world facing off toward them. Make no mistake, there are lots of people from every tribe and tongue who are in silent agony. So to deny pain and suffering in yourself or anyone else is denying the whole counsel of scripture.

This is not popular teaching.

Well, pilgrim, you have plenty of reasons to not despair in these extraordinarily dark days. You have much reason to be comforted.

The God of all creation does not slumber or sleep. He is orchestrating events all around us in real-time.

In ways my puny mind can’t begin to fathom, His plans are becoming reality.

Where others see despair, I see His sovereignty. He is, in a way that is causing scales to fall from my eyes today, visiting His judgement not only on the United States of America but the entire world, and I’m not just talking COVID-19.

Which means … we are closer than ever to the climax of history, to the End of Days, when all the nations of the world will be rolled up like a rotten papyrus scroll and time will be no more.

I believe this.

I know that generations past have believed that they were the last, but I stand to testify that these days are different, somehow.

So, believer, don’t despair. We are privileged to see Him at work to bring about His redemptive purposes.

You just watch.

I believe that He has in store for us one last outpouring of His Spirit, when Christians in Name Only will be confronted with the truth of the Gospel and their own sinfulness.

Ultimately, judgement will come. And He is the God of white-hot rage. Perhaps judgement is already on us.

There is always a remnant. If I’m still breathing and He hasn’t returned yet, it will be interesting to read my journal and see what He’s done.

It will be something to behold, for good or bad. I can promise you that.

Oh, please, y’all – our hope is eternal, and it is not a hope grounded in the decisions and actions of man. We, of all people, have hope. Hope.

Be joyful. He’s got this. Live like you believe it.

Question: What is the number one thing in these days that gives you hope? Share your answer with others below. And I’d be grateful if you’d share this with others on social media, too.

And you respond, “Wait a minute. What do you mean God doesn’t care about my plans? He loves me. God has my best interests at heart. He wants to bless me.”

That’s partially true.

Several years ago I was serving a large church as their youth minister. I’d been there a little over five years, and pretty much everything I’d prayed over and wanted to accomplish had happened.

There had been good days and bad days. I’d served to the best of my ability. I wanted to honor God in that place. For the most part, mission accomplished.

Then I was approached by a megachurch.

On paper, it looked perfect. It seemed a great match for my giftedness and passions. And they paid well. (As a friend of mine jokes – “Tony, the Lord is everywhere. Follow the money!” That is comedy, by the way. Don’t send hate mail.)

I’ll forgo the details, but ultimately I turned them down. It proved to be a wise, discerning decision. The gentleman they ended up calling as youth minister was flayed alive. It was awful. I don’t think he’s even in ministry anymore.

Flash forward a couple of months. I was approached by another church. This one felt different. It was smaller than the one I was serving. (And let me make this perfectly clear – bigger isn’t better. Bigger is just bigger. It’s a values-neutral thing.)

So, I talked at length with them. It felt good. I asked all the right questions. They seemed wide open to what I would bring. I resigned my current church. I planned what I would do when I got to the new church.

And I learned … God doesn’t care about my plans.

The short version is that I was seven months at that church before resigning. I’m sometimes asked, “Tony, why were you there only seven months? Answer: I couldn’t get out any quicker. I knew my first Sunday there I’d messed up. Big time.

I could say a lot more. Not today.

Perhaps you can identify.

Maybe there have been times when you’ve made significant plans:

• Where to go to college.
• What to major in.
• What your first job would be.
• Who you would date.
• Who you would marry.
• Where you would live.
• What you wanted for a career.
• How many kids to have.

And so on.

If you took a page out of the Tony Martin Operations Manual, you sat down with paper and pen and wrote down pros and cons. You set a goal or goals. You found your “why.” You broke your goals down into actionable steps. And you got after it.

This is not a bad thing. Actually, it’s pretty wonderful.

So why do I say God doesn’t care about your plans?

He really doesn’t. He cares about you more than He cares about what you plan on doing.

It may be – like me – that there was a time when you were faced with an epic decision, one that was potentially life-altering. You were certain down to your corpuscles you were tracking in the right direction.

And it blew up on you.

That makes you ask the hard questions. My almost-always question is, “God, how could I miss out on what you wanted for me so significantly?”

God doesn’t care about your plans. He doesn’t ask “Do you want to go through this loss, letdown, breakup, or defeat?”

Because – and don’t stop at this truth, because you’ll leave in a funk – in the course of your lifetime you’ll experience very one of those outcomes, and even more. Probably more than once.

It may be that this walk with Jesus you’ve gotten yourself into isn’t what you signed up for.

There is a purpose, though. It might not hurt to say this out loud: “There is a purpose behind what I’m experiencing.”

God doesn’t care about your plans, but He does have a purpose, both for you and for how He is involved in it.

Just as you can experience all the bad stuff, He will see to it that you experience good stuff, too.

How does He determine that? I have no idea.

The stuff that happens to you – both good and bad – is part of God’s grand design for you. In a more expansive sense, what is God’s plan for you meshes perfectly with His plan for the universe. Because, well, He’s God.

How does God want you to respond? He wants you to respond in accordance with His nature that He’s placed in you.

Conventional wisdom states that everything that happens to us will make us evil or more Godly (or, perhaps bitter or better.) Yeah, you’ve heard all that.

Our familiarity with that thought doesn’t make it any less profound, though.

The thing is, how we respond to life depends wholly on our relationship and intimacy with God.

The more intimate we are with Him, the more confidence we’ll have in Him.

I’ll stick by my statement that God doesn’t care about your plans. Yes, we should plan. We should set goals. We should work hard to please Him.

Finally, there is this:

When you can’t find a solution to a problem, it’s probably not a problem to be solved. Rather, it’s a truth to be accepted. God has allowed it, and He knows what He’s doing.

Relax.

C’mon. Don’t get all huffy. We all have bad habits. They’re called “bad” for a reason. What does it take to break bad habits?

This is a sequel of sorts to my blog earlier this week – the behavior chain. In order to break bad habits, you may need a little refresher on the behavior chain. If you need to, go back and review that last blog. I’ll be here when you return.

Welcome back.

I want this to be practical. Understand, however, that this isn’t an end-all. There’s no magic bullet(s) here. What I can offer are some points to ponder.

A simple Google search will give you reams of information on how to break bad habits. There is good stuff out there. Perhaps we can come at it from a little different angle.

Here, then, are my thoughts about bad habits. This isn’t a step-by-step formula to rid yourself of bad habits. These are just catalysts for your own thinking and strategic planning.

1.  Accept the fact that you can be in control of your life. That’s what separates us from the other animals. That’s not discounting that there are things that happen to you that are beyond your control. You can’t stop the rain, for instance. (Who’ll stop the rain? I couldn’t resist the song cue.) Again, though – you are in control of your life, or at least in control of your responses to, well, everything. This is heavy ju-ju. You can control yourself, including thoughts, actions, attitudes, and, yep, your habits. What this means is that to the degree to which you feel you’re in control of your life, your habits can be mastered.
2. Your habits are in your life for a reason. You put them there. You planted them, watered them, and watched them grow. And you harvest them and the consequences of them. This is a cause-and-effect scenario. Sowing and reaping, as it were. So if breaking a bad habit is what is needed, think of it like pulling up weeds. And something else will need to be planted in its place. We’ll get to that one in a minute.
3. You must believe. That sounds shallow. Still, it’s no less true. You have to embrace the absolute fact that to break bad habits, it can be done. Others have walked the same road as you. They have prevailed. They didn’t have resources available to them that you don’t have. Believe that you can break your bad habits … because it’s true. Whatever you believe with feeling or emotion becomes your reality. Really.
4. Expect to break your bad habits. Whatever you expect with total sincerity and confidence you’ll get. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Think of it as visualizing your life without that bad habit. See what your mind and heart are like when you’ve been delivered from it. Now, expect it to be so.
5. Exchange those bad habits for good habits. I learned this from Tom Ziglar, son of Zig Ziglar, and a very smart guy. He was asked “what was the fastest road to success?” His answer – “replace your bad habits with good habits.” That is so simple it’s profound. This isn’t a bad pen-and-paper exercise: (1) Write down a bad habit. (2) Identify the good habit you need. (3) Put together a goal plan as to how you will replace the bad with the good. Again, y’all – that’s simple. If I want to stop biting my fingernails, then I need to instead suck on a piece of peppermint when the urge to stuff my fingers in my mouth overcome me. Make sense?
6. You will attract victory to yourself. Here’s how this works. You’ll note that you tend to attract people and situations in harmony with what you think about. It’s like expecting the worst … and receiving the worst. Everything in your life that’s come your way is because of the person you are. Let that sink in. So if you live expecting your bad habits to be banished, if you believe it will happen and you can do it, guess what? You’ll attract victory and success over that habit. And you’ll do it by replacing bad for good (see #5).
7. Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. This is fire. So often we blame our bad habits on stuff “out there” – our environment, our upbringing, our genes, our misplaced passions, and so forth. Guess what, sojourner – your outer world is a mirror image of your inner world, and yes, I’m repeating myself. In other words, as within, so without. When it comes to breaking bad habits, there is no external cause for those habits. It’s inside of you. Which means you have absolute control over them.
8. Your thoughts become your reality. This isn’t some metaphysical hoodoo. This isn’t an original thought – maybe it was Earl Nightingale – but here it is: You are what you think about. You can check out Proverbs 23:7 – in the King James Version, it reads “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” To banish a bad habit, you have to begin with your thoughts. This has been a principle throughout the ages, but for some reason we don’t grasp it. Seldom do we act on it. This is called moral equivalency. Your thoughts, vividly imagined and repeated, charged with emotion, become your reality.

I’d encourage you to consider what I’ve shared. If you were looking for a step one-two-three formula to put away bad habits, I’m sure you’re disappointed.

This is deep dive thinking. I’ll leave it up to you to flesh it out in your life context and make it your own.

Finally, if you’re a believer, you have resources to depend on to help you replace bad habits with good habits. You can break bad habits. Fortunately, you don’t have to do it alone.

Be blessed.

Dealing with Chick-Fil-A. Mercy.

Still dealing with Chick-Fil-A? You’d think that the Apocalypse is upon us, and all over fast food.

In the last week or so I’ve read more news about Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-A is the third largest restaurant chain. It allegedly has one of the slowest drive-throughs.  (I don’t know about that last one – ours moves customers through as fast as humanly possible, and the workers are unflappable.)

Is there anything bad about celebrating traditional Christian marriage?

Unless you’ve been vacationing on Uranus for the last couple of years, you are well aware of the firestorm over CFA’s Dan Cathy’s comments in favor of traditional Christian marriage. It just won’t go away, or be left alone. It’s been years since his comments.

While you’re at it, note, too, the responses from elected officials. Wow. It has come to this: “Not only do we disagree with you, we want to silence you.”  Folks take Machiavellian steps to prevent the chain from opening in their community or venue.

The success of Chick-Fil-A.

Some folks are still dealing with Chick-Fil-A. I’m not sure to what end other than expressing endless frustration that, by any metrics you use, Chick-Fil-A is wildly successful.

As a Christian, I’m trying to glean from all this something redemptive, while at the same time acknowledging a paradox (and thanks to John Piper who helped me sort all this out.)

We Christians are commanded to not be conformed to this world, but to be transformed. On  the other hand, we are shown that we are to “become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some.”

We live in the middle of a fallen, failing American culture. We aren’t to conform to that.

But – we are not to give offense, try to please, and become all things to all people so as to save some. There’s your paradox, right there.

Our fallen world.

Here are the facts for believers: This country is not our home. We are out of synch, out of step with the  culture. The world recognizes that, and that brings on scorn. We are the ultimate outsiders and pilgrims.

On the other hand, we are called on to take on some of the traits of the culture …if we don’t conform at all, then we are the salt trapped in the shaker.

The challenge is to describe homosexuality as sinful while at the same time be willing to lay down our lives in love for homsexual persons. That is what Christ did. To take this thought into even more radical realms, we MUST believe that homosexual behavior is sin in order to love homosexual people.

Rejoice in the truth.

According to First Corinthians, “Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.”

If you deny the truth that homosexuality is a sin and instead approve or rejoice in it, what you bring to a homosexual person will not be love, no matter how affirming, kind, or tolerant.

The whole issue, it seems, has found its nexus in the relationship between homosexuality and marriage. Jesus confirmed God’s will in creation in Matthew 19:4-6.

The argument which must be considered, if we’re to be intellectually honest, is when someone asks, “Why do you impose your religious beliefs on American culture?”

Legislated morality. Dealing with Chick-Fil-A may be a component of that.

Well, all laws impose convictions on culture. All convictions come from worldviews – they don’t come out of nowhere. People argue for laws on a basis of a particular view of the world. It follows that Christians should be involved in the business of lawmaking. Deciding whether or not still dealing with Chick-Fil-A is part of how you approach culture.

We should pray and work to shape our culture so that it reflects the revealed will of God, even if that reflection is dim and external. Goodness knows others will be attempting the same thing.

So we pray and work so that marriage is understood and treated as a lifelong union between a man and woman. The law has spoken otherwise. I understand that. We are still to stand firm, though.

But believers, we do this knowing that we do this with brokenhearted joy. Joy because God is God, sovereign over all, and He will establish justice in His own time in this fallen world.

We are brokenhearted because we will experience pain and misery because of the pain that sin has brought into the world. That should not make us cynical. The salt of the earth does not mock rotting meat. Where it can, it saves and seasons, and where it can’t, it weeps.

Many are still dealing with Chick-Fil-A. It is a metaphor, in many ways, of the nature of our culture.

Evil can and does triumph for a season.

Look. We can’t get all bent when evil triumphs for a season. Let’s don’t whine when we don’t get our way. We shouldn’t be hardened with anger.

What’s happening isn’t new. The early Christians were terribly out of step with their culture. Jesus Himself said, “You will be hated for my name’s sake … Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you.”

We don’t own culture, and we don’t rule it. We serve it with brokenhearted joy and longsuffering mercy.

I’d be honored if you’d visit Transformational Encouragement Academy and check out the free resource you’ll find there. You input is valuable to me!

Want answers? We all do. But the answers have changed.

I heard a terrific story about Albert Einstein a week or so ago. Seems that Dr. Einstein was working as an adjunct professor at Oxford University and had just given a physics exam to one of his senior classes. As he and his teaching assistant were walking back to Einstein’s office, the young assistant asked, “Dr. Einstein, wasn’t that the same exam you gave to the class last year?”

“It was indeed,” said Einstein.

“I don’t understand,” the assistant said. “How could you give the same class the same exam a year later?”

“Well,” said Einstein, “that’s easy. The answers have changed.”

I found that a compelling little story. It is indicative of the world in which we now live. Think about it … I wake up to a country that on so many levels is alien to me. What was once virtuous is now a vice; what was once evil is now good; and the church of Jesus Christ, once considered even by unbelievers as a positive thing, is regularly maligned with impunity. In our society, the questions are the same, but the answers have changed.

Mercy. The claim that it is somehow a sign of a healthy, free society that by the way of a vote we can rewrite our language, turn our morals upside down, and trash our time-tested traditions is a sign of how lost we are. We are simply culturally messed up.

Don’t despair just because the answers have changed.

Some may consider this and despair. Don’t do that. The tomb is empty and the throne is occupied. Either God is sovereign and rules over the affairs of man, or He doesn’t. I can assure you He is not perched in the heavenlies, wringing His hands, wondering what He is to do next. “I’ve got this,” He wants us to know.

I wouldn’t presume to try to predict what He is up to. I do know this: We don’t give up hope. One day, God will visit us. He may visit us through revival. I’ve been reading about the 1904 Welsh revival, and man alive, what a joy to see how God worked in those days! And one day, He will visit us in His return, when all wrongs will be set right and all the fierce little kingdoms of this world – including ours – will be reduced to nothingness. The kingdom of God has already come in Jesus Christ, but the final consummation of kingdom is not yet here.

That is our blessed hope. We realize that we are pilgrims and sojourners here, because this is not our home. But we are still to engage with culture. If we simply conform to the culture, we would not be salt and light to the culture. If we don’t conform at all, the salt would remain in it the salt shaker and the light under a basket.

Don’t give up hope.

Perhaps the answers have changed. But don’t let’s give up hope. If you have an unconverted brother or sister, son or daughter … if someone in your family is far from God, don’t give up hope. The Lord could visit tomorrow and they would be saved.  Don’t give up hope in your church. Don’t give up on those who once seemed to seek after the things of God and are now absent from the faith. Let’s work together, and love each other, and strive for good together, because one day our great God and Savior will certainly visit us. He did so in a manger centuries ago, and will again one day soon enough.

Some things are out of our hands. Unfortunately, that’s what we tend to obsess over. 

Your Uncle Tony’s only comment: What good does that do? That’s not to say that I’m not guilty of this. What I have learned for myself personally is that I don’t need to clutter up my precious headspace thinking about things I have no control over.

So, I don’t worry about the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park. I really ration my intake of news – most of it I simply can’t do anything about, or even influence. (Yes, I am an informed voter, but why track every word or comment?)

I can’t make anyone like me.

I can’t fix folks, as much as I’d like to.

You could make your own list of things you fret over that you can do absolutely nothing about. I’d wager it would be a long one.

That junk needs to be set aside.

But there are things you can control and do something about. Let’s talk about those, because some of these can genuinely affect the condition of your life and heart. I want this to be encouraging.

These are in no particular order. I may have seen this list somewhere, or at least something similar, but these are the points that I think are worth sharing. The pontificating on the points are all my own stream of consciousness musings.

1. Who you hang out with. I’ll bet your mama pointed this out to you at some juncture of your life. You take on the nature of the folks you are around. That could be good or very, very bad. How about let’s all hang out with folks who are positive, affirming, and genuine? How about avoiding those who are negative, destructive, and who delight in being miserable and deceptive? Who do you want to be like? I understand that frequently we’re put in places in which we can’t avoid toxic people – it might be classmates, coworkers, or even relatives. You may not be able to control that, but you can control your level of interaction and involvement. You know who’s good for you and who’s not.
2. Your effort. Remember what Yoda said? “Do, or do not. There is no try.” I’ve observed that when people say “I’ll try,” as in, “I’ll try to be there,” that means no, or at the very least “I’ll lean in that direction but I’m not promising anything.” So if you say you’ll try something – attempt it – that’s where effort kicks in. You can choose how hard you try. I’m wary of anything that comes too easily. We all need to determine what’s worth an all-in effort and what is of no real consequence. Abraham Lincoln said, “Whatever you are, be a good one.” That’s the effort I’m talking about. Of course, you don’t want to invest in uselessness.
3. How personally you take things. I grew up hearing, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me.” That’s bogus, of course, because words do hurt, and some people can wield them with deadly accuracy. Our default attitude should be “consider the source,” because some people are just naturally mean-spirited and ugly. So what do you do when you’re slammed by someone you care about? The trick/skill is to separate yourself and your sense of worth from what was said. Someone else’s words or actions don’t define who you are. Remember – hurt people hurt people. You might find yourself feeling pity for the person who attacked you. It’s your choice as to how you respond. You can choose.
4. What you believe. Beliefs are so subjective, y’know? People hold totally irrational beliefs and would go to the mat defending them.  (For a lot of the world, for instance, belief in God is just nuts and utterly irrational. So I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.) I try not to belittle someone else’s beliefs, but I do want to be in a place that I can share my own with them. That has a lot to do with earning the right to be heard. That said, I can indeed control what I believe. I’m just not gonna let someone else tell me how to think. Whatever you believe grows out of your worldview, and that was influenced by … something. The reason we draw battlelines is because we approach life from differing worldviews and don’t bother to try to understand where the other person is coming from. That’s another topic, perhaps.
5. Your priorities. Yes, indeed, you can choose how to invest your time and energies, and you’ll tend to invest them in what is important to you. You get to choose what’s important. You know where your heart is. You know what you make time for. You can learn a lot about yourself and the state of your heart by evaluating where you spend your time. Maybe Stranger Things 3 is your priority these days. Maybe spending time in prayer is a priority. You get to pick.
6. How kind you are. A favorite go-to descriptor from my childhood was to identify someone as a “meanie.” They’re still out there. I’m so naive here – I can’t help but wonder why we can’t all be nice to each other. It’s out of your hands as to how someone treats you. What you can do is decide how you treat others. For pity’s sake, be kind. You may not receive kindness in return, but at least you’ll know you did the right thing. “You must always remember this: Have courage, and be kind. You have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body. And it has power. More than you know.”
   ― Brittany Candau, Have Courage, Be Kind: The Tale of Cinderella
7. What you eat. I’ve never seen anyone accidentally eat anything.
8. What you talk about. This is a big one. Lord knows I’ve been historically known for saying things and immediately wishing I could take it back. I distinctly remember saying something harsh to a kid in my youth group, and doing it to make a point. I’ll never forget the hurt on his face. What I said and how I said it was totally unnecessary. And blurting out something inappropriate? That too. I’m actually thinking more here about what we say and discuss that’s premeditated. That’s shows the condition of your heart. Ancient script says, “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” *
9. What you think about. Of course, there are times when really, really unwelcome thoughts jump into our heads. As the saying goes, “You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep him from building a nest once he gets there.” What I’m referring to are the thoughts we embrace and ponder and marinate in. Think bad, reap bad. Think joy, reap joy. It’s just that simple, at least in concept. In practice it’s little tougher. What you think about so often has to do with environment – who we hang with, what we watch or listen to, all that. I always say, “Guard your heart,” but a companion to that would be “Guard your mind.”
10. How open-minded you are. I have to tread carefully here, but I’d wager all of us were born open-minded. Life experiences, exposures to those of differing worldviews, and tons of other factors can cause those open minds to slam shut like a bear trap. To folks who would definitively say, “There is no God,” for example, I have to wonder what brought them to that conclusion. In fairness, I’d have to apply that same standard to myself … there was a time in the past that while I never questioned the existence of God, I had to consider “What if this Jesus story is the biggest hoax ever?” I resolved that quickly, of course, but to be intellectually honest I thought it was okay to entertain the hard questions. Open mindedness would also include hearing the other person’s story without prejudice. I will say that there are several issues of life that I am beyond rigid about, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give you a fair and compassionate hearing.
11. Your happiness. Did you know you can choose to be happy? Did you know that true joy exists apart from circumstances? Joy doesn’t have a whole lot to do with emotion, and emotions are great betrayers. But, yeah, you can choose happiness and your God-inspired outlook on life. You are responsible.
12. How seriously you take life. Okay, granted, I’m a true melancholic, and I tend toward gloom (not pessimism, and certainly not despair.) Honestly, though, people. Honestly. There are so many things we view as cataclysmic, and in the grand cosmic scheme of things, they just aren’t that big of a deal. I can read political posts, and my first thought is, “That person is taking themselves WAY too seriously.” Not only that, some things we get all worked up about are really just goofy. Pity the humorless person who can’t laugh at themselves! Everything that happens impacts eternity, in some way; but so much of our personal peace and encouragement comes from just going along for this wonderful ride of life. Control what you can, and the things you can’t? How about letting God handle those for you? He’s good like that.

* James 3:5-6

Your future needs you. Your past doesn’t.

The great philosopher and theologian, Meat Loaf, sang:

But it was long ago and it was far away

Oh God it seems so very far

And if life is just a highway – then the soul is just a car

And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.*

 There is no question we can be haunted by memories. Unless there is some compelling reason otherwise, we can conjure up images from yesterday, both good and bad.

It has a lot to do with regrets. Things we should have done, things we did, things that still occupy our thoughts. Things we’d like to take back but can’t.

Sometimes those memories crowd in on our waking lives to the extent that they influence our here and now. We say “I’m sorry,” and mean it, but it doesn’t undo the past. Consequently, we look ahead with fear, afraid we’re gonna mess up again. We’re afraid of repeating past mistakes. We don’t want to submit ourselves to guilt and shame.

That guilt/fear/shame mindset is a killer. And while we consciously know we should move on and look toward brighter days, we find ourselves mired in deep taffy.

What’s the solution? Are we to be held hostage to what once was?

Absolutely not. There is always hope.

What Marvin Lee Aday (see? You just learned Meat Loaf’s real name) captured is a haunting sense of loss. But if you pick apart the lyrics just a bit, there is a comforting truth to be found:

“…and objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.”

That convex mirror on a car is designed to give a wider field of view, to keep other cars from getting lost in that “blind spot.” While an approaching car may seem close, in reality there is more distance that might appear.

I don’t want to torture this analogy, but the past is a lot further behind you than you might imagine. It just seems close. Here’s the fact: Even if something occurred five seconds ago, it’s as much of your past as if it had happened ten years ago. The past is just that: the past. And, as such, it’s now in your rear view mirror. It’s over and done.

I do need to make a little distinction. There are indeed consequences of your past actions. You rob a bank and get caught, your future is going to be different than if you’d not robbed that bank. So, granted, in that sense your past can influence your future.

What I’m talking about is your mind, how your past gets in your headspace and stays there rent-free. That’s where we struggle. And that is what you need to deal with.

Say this out loud (probably best if no one is around): “I can’t take it back.” Whatever your “it” is, you can’t make it go away. It’s a point and an event in time. Heck, it can even be a thought, that decision you made that changed your way of thinking, perhaps not for the best.

Here’s what might make all the difference in your future:

• Whatever happened, whatever was said, glean what lessons you can from it. Don’t waste it.
• Consider this – you are able to empathize with others going through the same ordeal in a way you could not have had you not faced it yourself. Is there a way you can positively use your regret and channel it into something redemptive?
• You absolutely have the power to choose your responses to, well, everything. You better listen to Uncle Tony – there’s a mindset in the world today that you’d better shuck. You aren’t entitled to anything. Having things go your way is not a birthright. You are going to make stupid choices, and you are going to fail miserably. You are going to fail. Here’s a secret for the ages: you can totally determine what to do next. You aren’t a random clump of cellular matter, preprogrammed to act and respond in an unchangeable way. You aren’t trapped. You have a free mind.
• That free mind thing? There are some staggering implications for you. The most significant one is that from right now, right this moment, right this nanosecond, you can make choices that will impact your future for the better. You aren’t trapped. If you feel imprisoned by the past, it’s a prison of your own making.
• The scope of this particular blog entry doesn’t allow for a discussion of how to exercise wisdom, or of how to go forward in making wise choices. You are going to fail and make bad choices still, but you can certainly cut your losses. Life is hard enough without us bringing undue grief on ourselves by choosing poorly. We’ll take that up later, perhaps.

The reason you’re alive and able to read this is that you have yet to accomplish what you were put here to do. There’s your hope. Your call is to make a difference in someone else’s life, and you do that by understanding you can make a difference in your own life in spite of what has been. Living in the past doesn’t serve anyone. Living for the future serves all.

Ancient script states, “… one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b – 14).

Goals. Prizes. All available to us. Sounds good to me.

*Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are lyrics © CARLIN AMERICA INC

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