I know we often talk about the uplifting stuff here, but sometimes we need to lean into the difficult parts of life too. After all, it’s the trying times that really test and shape us, right?

Let’s start by acknowledging something none of us can escape: suffering. Yup, you read that right. I’m talking about those not-so-welcome surprises that crash into our lives like uninvited guests at a party. One moment you’re coasting along, and the next, you’re floored by some piece of news or a life-changing event. You didn’t choose this; you didn’t see it coming. So what now?

Well, the truth is, we all suffer. It’s an unfortunate but undeniable part of the human experience. But how we respond to suffering—that’s what sets us apart. It’s easy to lose composure, to question your faith, and, let’s be real, sometimes even to lose that uplifting smile. But to go through the valleys and still keep your eyes on God? That’s something to write home about. It’s like taking life’s lemons and not just making lemonade, but throwing in a sprig of mint and a dash of honey too! It’s your choice to make the bitter experience a little sweeter.

We often view success and good fortune as milestones, markers that indicate we’re moving in the right direction. But let’s flip the script for a second. Pain and suffering can be just as transformative, if not more so. Ever noticed how suffering re-calibrates your internal compass? Your values get a shakeup; priorities shift like tectonic plates; even your dreams and goals can morph into something entirely different, and that’s okay! You’re not going off course; you’re just taking a scenic route you didn’t plan for.

I’m reminded of the story of Joseph in the Bible. Talk about having a hard time, huh? Betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused, and imprisoned. Man, he had every reason to give up and let suffering define him. But he didn’t. He kept his faith in God, stayed composed, and even managed to interpret dreams in prison. His suffering wasn’t a pitfall; it was a stepping stone to becoming the second most powerful man in Egypt. His pain wasn’t an accident; it was a part of his purpose.

Now, I’m not saying suffering is easy or enjoyable. It’s not. And it’s perfectly normal to ask, “Why me?” or “Why now?” But let’s also ask, “What can I learn from this?” Because if you’re going through hell, why stop there? Keep going until you get to the other side, where the lessons and growth are. Don’t waste your pain; use it to propel you to new heights.

Your pain is your story, and stories are meant to be told. You might not see it now, but your experience can be the beacon that guides someone else through their storm. You’ll be the proof that one can suffer and still keep their faith, their composure, and yes, even their smile. Your pain is changing you, but that doesn’t mean it’s diminishing you. It’s chiseling away at the rough edges, sculpting you into a masterpiece in progress. And trust me, God doesn’t make mistakes; He makes masterpieces.

So let’s own our sufferings, not as roadblocks but as part of our journey. They’re the chapters that make our life stories rich, relatable, and remarkably human. And always remember: it’s the trials and tests that make the testimony. Stay strong, keep the faith, and don’t forget to smile. Life might be tough, but so are you.

Until next time, keep smiling!

One in four adults and one in five youth in the United States have a diagnosable mental illness. At Family Matters, we know this means nearly every family we come in contact with is impacted by mental illness. As Christians, we know we can turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His guidance and wisdom in all areas of our life. The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Belief in an omnipotent God means we believe He can heal us of our brokenness spiritually, mentally and physically. Out of that belief, we turn to our God with prayer and faith that He can heal. We believe this for ourselves, and we encourage others to believe the same.

God can, and sometimes does, heal us when we cry out to Him, but often He doesn’t.

Often, God says to us when we continually ask him to take away our sadness, anxiety, scattered thoughts, anger and pain, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness” —2 Corinthians 12:9.

The only brokenness God promises to heal is our spiritual brokenness.

Mentally and physically, we are “jars of clay” that contain our spiritual treasure (2 Corinthians 4:7-18) and we often won’t be free from our afflictions until we are glorified with Christ someday in Heaven.

I see a trend in the Church that troubles me. The response of much of the Church to mental illness is to over-spiritualize both the problems and the solutions.

I have experienced it personally, and a recent study by LifeWay research has found nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians (48 percent) believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression.

We would never begrudge someone with cancer from seeking the best, most innovative treatment available to them. We would never simply tell them to just pray and study their Bible more! We would pray fervently for God’s healing, comfort and wisdom, but we’d also fully expect that they will see a doctor, seek treatment and take medication if it’s warranted.

We don’t do the same with mental health.

Often, when I’ve heard someone share that they are grappling with mental illness, their concern is met with answers like, “you should cast all your cares on the Lord (1 Pet. 5:7); rejoice in the Lord always (Phil 4:4); pray without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17) and you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).”

All of these are biblical truths—but they should not be hurled as platitudes; platitudes to dismiss their pain, call their faith into question and shut down further discussion of a topic we may find challenging and hard to comprehend.

The mentally ill continue to receive dismissive, judgmental and marginalizing responses from much of the Church because mental health is still stigmatized. Yes, there is a spiritual component to mental illness (and physical illness), but mostly because we are spirit. To immediately draw the conclusion that someone struggling with clinical depression, anxiety disorder, mania or PTSD is under spiritual attack only makes sense if we also immediately draw the same conclusion of our friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, hypothyroidism or kidney stones. Yes, demon possession and spiritual oppression happens, but they are not the main cause of true, persistent mental illness. Mental illness happens at the intersection of our mind, spirit, personality, character, faith, decisions and electrical command center (our brain) but it is illness just the same.

It is vital we don’t do anything which could be construed as discouraging treatment for mental illness, because without treatment (and sometimes with it) mental illness can be terminal. Our Great Physician often uses the miracle of medicine in His healing.  Sure, medications come with potential risks and side effects. Like any other health decision we weigh the risk of treating against the risk of not treating. And I can tell you this: the risk of untreated, or undertreated mental illness is staggeringly high. The point is, it’s not our place to critique how a fellow believer chooses to treat their illness either physical or mental. We can leave those decisions between them, their families, their doctors and our Wounded Healer.

What’s the danger in over-spiritualizing mental health?

The danger is we continue to stigmatize those who are equally loved by our Great God. The danger is rather than being life-giving in our love, compassion and understanding, we who are redeemed are a stumbling block to those precious souls who cry out to the Great Physician. The danger is we miss our calling to love and edify each other, and cause a bitter root to grow between us and the world.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”—Hebrews 12:15.

So love, listen, pray, encourage, support, bake casseroles, drive to appointments and pick-up prescriptions. Advocate for those whose illness leaves them voiceless. Let our witness to the world be how broken people love each other.

NOTE: This article from Family Matters was written by Karis Murray, who writes candidly about mental illness and urges readers not to miss their callings to love and advocate for those whose illnesses leave them voiceless. I want to give all credit to Karis and Family Matters.

Facing Trials with Authenticity: When God Chooses Real Over Superficial

Trials and tribulations are an inevitable part of life. You know, there are days when we wish we had a magic wand to wave away our problems, or a switch we could flip to fast-forward through the hard times. But if there’s one thing we can take solace in, it’s the knowledge that our struggles don’t catch God off guard. He sees them, understands them, and has a purpose behind each one.

When I say there are no magical words to take away your pain or speed up the trial you’re enduring, I mean it. But this isn’t a call for despair. Instead, it’s an invitation to embrace the reality that the struggle is a part of your story. Consider the most transformative stories in the Bible: Moses wandering in the desert, David facing Goliath, Paul enduring shipwrecks and imprisonments. Their trials weren’t quick fixes. They were journeys that molded, shaped, and refined them into the people God intended them to be.

One of the most reassuring truths is that God isn’t interested in the superficial. He doesn’t prioritize the Instagram-perfect moments, the airbrushed versions of our lives, or the temporary highs we get from feel-good quotes. Instead, God is all about authenticity. The term I like to use is, “God only does REAL.” Now, what does that mean?

In a world where so much feels curated and artificial, where we’re often sold quick fixes and shallow comfort, God’s approach is refreshingly genuine. He doesn’t promise us a life without challenges, but He does assure us of His unwavering presence through them. This isn’t about the fleeting motivation that gives a momentary lift. This is about lasting transformation – a deep, soulful change that not only affects us but also influences those around us.

By going through genuine struggles, we gain authentic wisdom and strength. This isn’t the kind of wisdom you acquire from reading a self-help book or attending a weekend seminar. This is wisdom born from experience, from wrestling with challenges, from sometimes stumbling and getting back up with God’s help. The strength we gain isn’t just physical or emotional; it’s a spiritual fortitude that anchors us even in the fiercest storms.

And there’s a ripple effect to all of this. When others see you – a real person, genuinely transformed by real experiences with a real God – they are inspired. Not by the artificial, but by the genuine growth and resilience they see in you. It becomes a testimony of God’s grace, of His ability to turn trials into triumphs, and of the beauty that can arise from ashes.

In closing, if you’re in the midst of a challenging season, I encourage you to lean into the authenticity of it all. Recognize that God is in the business of real transformations, not superficial ones. Let your struggle shape you, refine you, and prepare you for the next chapter of your story. And always remember: even when the journey is tough, with God by your side, the destination is worth it.

Talk later!

It’s all about choices, isn’t it?

I’m not sure why so many struggle with this. Because … you choose the quality of your life. You aren’t a dog, zebra, aardvark, lungfish, or amoeba. You don’t operate on instinct. You have the power to choose. 

Apparently not everyone knows this. Everywhere I look, I see people – Christians! – who have figuratively thrown up their hands and said something like, “I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

You can choose a better path. Remember: You become what you think about. 

In the journey of life, we are often presented with situations that are not within our control. It’s as if we are sailing on an open sea, and at times, the waves decide to show no mercy. But remember, “You can’t always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you feel about it.” This phrase carries an essence that is not only profound but steeped deeply in the Christian teachings that guide us in navigating the stormy waters of life.

Often, we find ourselves at crossroads, where the trials and tribulations seem never-ending. But it’s during these moments that our faith stands as our guiding light, encouraging us to choose joy, hope, and resilience over despair. The Bible encourages us in James 1:2-3 to consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because the testing of our faith develops perseverance.

In the grand scheme of things, our reactions and emotions are the ship’s wheel of our journey. They possess the power to either anchor us in tranquility or leave us adrift amidst turbulent waves. But how beautiful it is that, as children of God, we are gifted with the ability to choose the way we perceive and respond to our circumstances.

The story of Joseph, a man who faced unimaginable adversities yet chose to harbor no bitterness, stands as a remarkable testament to this principle. Sold into slavery by his own brothers, wrongfully accused, and imprisoned, Joseph could have easily succumbed to anger and bitterness. Yet, he chose a path of righteousness, maintaining an unwavering trust in God’s plan. His journey wasn’t easy, but his faith and positive outlook transformed his circumstances, eventually elevating him to a place of honor and influence.

Choosing joy and maintaining a positive outlook is not about dismissing the reality of our situations or wearing a mask of false happiness. It is about aligning our hearts with the teachings of Christ, who encourages us to cast all our anxieties on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). It’s about standing firm in the belief that God is working behind the scenes, turning every setback into a setup for a comeback.

As followers of Christ, we are called to live lives that radiate the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Even in the face of adversity, we have the divine ability to exhibit these attributes, choosing to feel and spread joy, even when the world around us seems to be falling apart.

Moreover, the choice to feel a certain way, even amidst trials, is a form of worship, a trust in God’s sovereignty, and a testament to the strength of our faith. It’s a conscious decision to let our light shine, even in the darkness, showcasing the transformative power of God’s love and grace in our lives.

So, as we walk this path together, let’s strive to embody the teachings of Philippians 4:8, focusing on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – to think about such things. It’s not about ignoring the pains and challenges life throws at us, but choosing a perspective that aligns with God’s word and promises.

Embracing the choice of how we feel about the circumstances that life throws our way is a powerful tool in the Christian walk. It aligns us closer with the heart of God, fostering resilience, fostering hope, and reflecting the love of Christ in our daily interactions. Remember, folks, “You can’t always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you feel about it.” Let’s choose joy, choose hope, and choose a faith that remains unshaken, even in the face of trials.

I sure hope these thoughts resonate with your spirit, encouraging you to live a life filled with joy and positivity, deeply rooted in the teachings of Christ.

Until next time, be blessed and be a blessing.

The Boomerang of Kindness

Encouragement is like a heavenly boomerang. You toss it out there, and it comes swinging back, often right when you need it the most. But what about those times when you’re standing there, arm outstretched, and nothing comes back? You’re going through a rough patch, and yet you hear the words of the Bible reminding you: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

The ‘Jesus Factor’

Let’s consider Jesus for a moment. He’s hanging on the cross—a situation where you wouldn’t expect much encouragement to be handed out—and yet, He comforts the thief beside Him, promising him paradise. If Jesus can find it within Himself to encourage others even in His final moments, surely we can find ways to encourage from behind our screens or over a cup of coffee.

Recharge to Encourage

Picture yourself as a smartphone for a moment. Even phones need to recharge so they can send out all those uplifting texts and calls. So take some time to refuel through prayer, Scripture, and community. This isn’t about giving from a place of emptiness but recharging through divine connection and then sharing what overflows.

Been There, Felt That

When you’re in a difficult spot, you gain a unique perspective. Your words of encouragement carry weight because you’ve walked a similar path. Paul captured this well when he talked about the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble…” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

The Encouragement Domino Effect

Imagine you’re having a tough day but decide to text a friend with a Bible verse that has lifted your spirits in the past. Your friend, feeling encouraged, decides to call their mom to share some love. Mom, now feeling cherished, compliments a coworker. The coworker, feeling affirmed, goes home and gives his kids an extra hug. Encouragement is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Sowing and Reaping, The Eternal Loop

We can’t forget the age-old biblical principle of sowing and reaping. While it’s not a transaction—God isn’t a divine vending machine—it’s a principle that stands the test of time. Sow encouragement, and you will reap it eventually. Maybe not immediately or in the form you expect, but God is faithful.

We’re All in This Together

Finally, let’s remember that encouragement isn’t a solo endeavor. It’s a collective mission. You lift someone up today; someone else might do the same for you tomorrow. And sometimes the most significant encouragement comes directly from God, providing you that much-needed boost.

So, ready to throw that encouragement boomerang again? It might just return to you sooner than you think, and perhaps right when you need it the most.

Talk later!

Less than a week ago I had eye surgery. I haven’t said a whole lot about the nature of the surgery itself. I’ll say that it hasn’t been pleasant, but it wasn’t risky. I’m doing well, and can go back to work next week.

I’ve been homebound, which for an introvert isn’t the worst thing that can happen. What has been challenging, though, is that for the first few post-op days I had to restrict screen time – very limited computer, television, iPhone, all that. Nor could I read. Any of these activities made it feel like my eyeballs were melting and running down my cheeks. There’s an image for you – reference Raiders of the Lost Ark to complete the picture.

Thank God for Audible. There is nothing wrong with having someone else read to you.

What’s been interesting, and at times downright bizarre, is how aware I’ve been of time.

I never get bored. Seriously. I can always find something to do. Boredom seems to equate to time … the more you have on your hands, the more likely boredom becomes.

And yet, time rushes by. It doesn’t matter the state of your health, what you find to do with yourself, or how busy or idle you are. Time is time. Our perception of it is what makes it real to us. It doesn’t matter if you’re cleaning the bathtub or composing a symphony. It moves at the same pace regardless of my request to speed things up, or slow things down.

Laying on the couch with cold compresses over my eyes, in self-imposed darkness, I got to thinking about where the time has gone, and I’m talking about 67 years of time.

The usual thoughts crop up. Watching our kids grow up and start families. Experiencing body parts wearing out. Thinking about places I’ve lived, churches I’ve served, people who have crossed my path that made indelible impressions on me, and watching the seasons change.

To use a shopworn phrase: “It is what it is.” Time, I mean.

Know what I can do, though? In spite of the flow of time, I can make choices as how to use it. Things around me change all the time. I just need to make wise decisions in the midst of all that change. I am not powerless. I can choose. I have the power to choose.

You do, too. You can absolutely choose the quality of your life even if you can’t control the outcome of what’s happening around you.

What I’m seeing in these days are so many people yearning for a return to what once was, whatever that is to them. They don’t want to change unless it can take them back to a perceived better place.

Well, pilgrim, things do change, sometimes rapidly, and there is plenty that we’ll never go back to. We have to grapple with that.

I am not exempt from how life keeps moving in me and around me. And there’s a conclusion that is certain: unless Jesus delays his return (and I’m so dang ready for that!) then I am going to pass away. You too.

While that sounds grim, it’s really not. Our deaths should be a healthy consideration, because it helps us determine what we need to be about in the meantime.

It’s simple, really. We need to make wise choices. I can’t spend my life paralyzed thinking about how awful things are. I mean, we live in a fallen world. Should we expect anything other than awfulness?

What are we supposed to do, then?

Slow down a bit. (I’ve been forced to do that, and it ain’t all bad.)

We live in the midst of chaos, and it will continue relentlessly.

Try standing still.

You know what the end game is. I get the picture of storm-driven ocean waves crashing against a rock – the waves part and spray and the rock stays firm.

Beloved, you can actually choose to be that rock. Read that again. It’s absolutely true. Don’t play the victim. Don’t bemoan how awful things are. (And my mantra: Avoid the news, except for the things you can actually take action on. Feel free to watch sports and weather, though. Most everything else will put you in a dark place, and you don’t need to do that to yourself.)

Yeah, there are changes that need to be made. I’m not advocating abdicating your responsibilities as a parent, son, daughter, friend, citizen, church member, or anything like that. There are things to be improved, values to embrace and defend, and priorities to set.

Know this: if we’re going to make any changes, it’s time to do that right now, because time is limited. You have to choose, and you’re supernaturally equipped to do just that. Life is a gift, and a long(er) life isn’t guaranteed. How you choose will impact your present and shape your future.

In October of 2016 I gave up worrying. It didn’t seem to help. I recommend doing that.

Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed. Maybe just “whelmed.”

Ancient script has some good stuff to encourage you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

As always, believer, I feel obligated to share this: Whatever you’re facing, it’s gonna be alright. It always has been, and always will be. Without fail. Easy? Probably not. The ultimate victory? It’s all yours.

Choose wisely and make things more fulfilling and rewarding for yourself.

Talk later! Responses are encouraged and welcome.

There is no shame to ask for prayer. I’m trying to work through my natural tendency to NOT ask.

Here’s the thing: I do not, not, not want to come across as needy, or craving attention or pity, or anything like that. 

You know the type. The person who is clingy, ill-adjusted, and needs to be the star in their autobiography. The person who would say, without irony, “It’s all about me.”

The flip side of this is scripture informs me that it’s absolutely appropriate to ask for prayer. That’s not being selfish. It’s being real. 

The Apostle Paul often asked his fellow believers to pray for him as he preached Christ. In his letter to the Christians at Corinth, Paul asked them to pray for him as he was constantly under duress for preaching Jesus (2 Corinthians 1:11).

Paul asked his fellow believers in Colossae to pray for him as he preached Christ: “At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison — that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak” (Colossians 4: 3-4, ESV).

We must not be ashamed of asking others to pray for us. Paul needed the prayers of his Christian family, we too need the prayers of our brothers and sisters. And those two passages I cited are just for starters – there are plenty more.

The reality is that I AM needy, and you are too. It’s out of that needful place that you and I can ask for prayer. 

I’m a case study in this. I’ve needed to ask for prayer in an acute, even desperate way the last couple of weeks. You’ll need to indulge me. 

Here’s background, and if you’ve heard all this before, feel free to skim it (yawn).

In June of 2018 I suffered a nasty concussion. At first it wasn’t too big of a deal – my eye swelled shut, I had stitches, but it all seemed pretty routine. CT scans and x-rays showed no head or brain damage, but I did have three broken ribs. About a week after the injury, I started getting headaches on the opposite side of my head from the impact site. Overnight I developed a sensitivity to light and sound. There were some cognitive issues – it’s like my brain was shrouded in fog. 

Worst of all was the deepest, darkest emotional funk you can imagine. Anxiety, depression, and what I characterized as “a sense of impending doom” became realities. It was/is perfectly awful. 

After another round of scans and x-rays, my internist – whom I love much – told me I had post-concussion syndrome. No, I’d never heard of it either. All my symptoms were textbook. The cure? Time. I was to be patient. It would “take time.” (I’ve heard that “take time” phrase so many times that I’m afraid the next time I hear it I’m gonna punch someone in the throat.) He also put me on a killer combo of depression/anxiety meds. 

Apparently PCS victims are prone to suicidal thoughts. Praise God that hasn’t been an issue. Since then, I’ve been to a chiropractor, I’ve tried acupuncture (which was actually pretty fun, but it didn’t really help), and talked to a counselor. All well and good. 

I’ve also been to a neurologist, and that’s been very encouraging. I’d had a migraine headache 24/7 – that was taking its toll – but again, she’s tinkered and experimented with several drugs and the headaches are more manageable.

About two weeks ago, the Apocalypse. 

The mother of all migraines, which would respond briefly to meds then come roaring back. It was taking a real toll not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

In full senior adult mode – we love to share our ailments, right? the wonderful Dr. Bridget Jones, neurologist par excellence, restricted me to the house for five days with orders to be still and quiet, which suited me just fine. Lots of couch time, limited screen time. 

The thing about brain injuries, at least in my case, is that they become part of a new normal. I’m not completely over it, it’s mostly manageable, but some days – whew. I feel as stupid as a sack of rocks, I can’t articulate what I want to say, and I generally just need to avoid people. It’s like living under a cloud. And people will say, “You look fine,” which sounds pretty good.

The thing is, it’s not like faking being sick to get out of school or work. I’ve been having to fake being well.

So, when the doc was able to work me in, which was a miracle in itself because she stays booked up months in advance, she took lots of time with me to make sure she knew what was going on. I got a toradol shot, which is a HUGELY amped-up NSAID, and I got some relief in less than a half hour.

She sent me home with this stuff called Reyvow. It’s not a narcotic – oddly enough, migraines don’t respond well to opioids – but I SWEAR, I’ve never taken anything like THIS. Yesterday morning, within about 15 minutes of taking it, I was in a zone I can’t even describe. The headache vanished. Poof. 

But the side effects … I MEAN. I was on the couch, and it was like someone had thrown a weighted blanket over me. I couldn’t move (well, I actually could, but didn’t want to!), and experienced something like euphoria. This lasted a while, and then, well, the rest of the day, I basically didn’t get off the couch. I just sort of hovered in a groggy haze. I’d googled the med and read reviews from others who’d taken it. Some folks hallucinated. Others went numb in their hands and feet. Scary, but it did what it was supposed to do. It’s a tradeoff.

I was warned several times to NOT attempt to drive. I get that. Instead of driving 2 miles to Walmart, I might end up in Memphis. And to not try to make any important decisions, which made sense … in my state, it would have been easy to put our house up for sale or something, and not know I did it. The nurse said, “Not only could you make bad decisions, you won’t KNOW you’re even making decisions.”

I went back to work a couple of days ago. I’m making it.

I needed to ask for prayer, and I did. God has honored those prayers from so many folks who have prayed.

Why am I sharing all this? It’s because I think you can relate.

Here me again – if you are in need of prayer, ask for prayer. Folks love to pray if they know of a need. It gives them an opportunity to put some feet to what they say they believe. 

One more thought. 

In a counseling session not long after I scrambled my head, I discovered that part of what I was experiencing was actual grief – grief for the old Tony and adapting to the new Tony. Once I realized what was going on – missing the old me – it brought things into perspective and sure helped a lot. I share this to say – be kind to others. Be kind to people who don’t see things as you do, or hold the same values as you. You simply don’t know what they’re facing or have faced. As I always say, “You don’t know their stories.” Don’t be reactionary and lump them in a category of “them” or “those ____”.

Everyone you have any contact with under any circumstances was made in the image of God, and if that isn’t reason enough for respect, I don’t know what is. Please be kind. Life is challenging enough as it is without you devaluing others. 

I just made myself cry. Talk later!

If you’re going to embrace self-pity, you might as well embrace misery.

It’s a funny thing. Some people simply seem to enjoy feeling bad for themselves. Respectfully, if that’s true of you, I have a simple question: How has self-pity helped you improve your life?

I get it. I do. This is one of those therapeutic blogs I need to write to myself from time to time.

Part of my self-pity grows from a Christian worldview. Huh?

In full disclosure … when I’m in a funk, and struggling with post-concussion syndrome, a migraine, or just low, self-pity rears its ugly head. It’s like getting thrown into a well, looking up at that little circle of daylight, and wondering how I’m going to get out.

Self-pity can make you feel like a failure at everything. Not good.

So, as a Christian, there shouldn’t be any room for self-pity. Problem is, it’s my faith (or lack of it) that moves me in that direction.

What an awful irony. The more intimate I become with God, the more aware I am of just how sinful I am. I realize that I am selfish, self-centered, and just what a lowlife I can be.

I struggle around my peers who seem to be sailing along in their Christian walk. That pity I have is because I haven’t reached that glorious place of a bulletproof Christian life. My head knows that everyone struggles; my heart says I shouldn’t be struggling like I am.

I’d love to feel like I’m awesome. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way. That’s shallow, but I’d love to have folks believe I’ve got it together 24/7/365. I am aware that folks aren’t that easily suckered, but, hey, you gotta have aspirations, right?

It might be that, like me (God forbid), this self-pity thing is camped out on your back porch, ready to pounce when you leave the house. You may be feeling pretty awful about your sin and haven’t been as repententant as you should be. You want to be better for God, but it all comes back to you and how you’re feeling. There’s something out there that can move you out of self-pity, but it’s elusive, and just out of reach.

What’s a believer to do about self-pity?

As always, the Bible speaks. Check out this ancient script – it’s 2 Corinthians 10:3-6:

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ⁶ And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

Paul wants us to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. In the context of self-pity, that means that any self-pitying thoughts are of us and not of Him. He doesn’t see us as low-life bottom feeders. He thinks we’re pretty wonderful. The key is to see ourselves as He sees us, right?

Here’s good stuff, from 1 Corinthians 1:26-31:

²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

This is some powerful ju-ju here. What’s crazy about it is that God encourages low self-esteem.

Look at that. We are not wise, not influential, not nobly born, we are weak, we are despised. That might be what we want to beat ourselves up about – those are traits of a loser, right? – but God turns that idea on its head.

The kicker is that God doesn’t want us to have a higher self-esteem, but instead a higher God-esteem. The focus is on Him, not us. You aren’t amazing, He is. You aren’t flawless; He is. You’re weak. He is strong.

We tend to obsess about ourselves, which is normal, because we spend a lot of time with ourselves. The thought is to put that self-pity aside because it simply doesn’t accomplish anything. That comes from a shift in focus – less of me, more of Him.

I love this. When it comes to self pity, the truth is that we can and should be mindful of our salvation every day. Every time you blow it, every time you don’t measure up to your self-imposed standards, God comes alongside us and says, “C’mon, pal. Once more, you need to be reminded that it’s not about you. I am present and active in your life. I’m not buying this self-pity stuff. You don’t have to feel that way, because I’ve given you all of grace. I saved you. You didn’t do anything to earn it, and you sure don’t deserve it. I’ve done this because I love you. Why self-pity? I’m all you need.”

Maybe you are the worst of sinners. But quit whining. You may not be all that in and of yourself, but you can celebrate God, Who came to you, undeserving sinner that you are, and adopted you into His family.

You don’t have to drown in self-pity and think only of yourself. God thinks about you all the time.

Talk later!

It seems that some “life rules” for this new year might be in order.

There’s nothing magical about these*, but they seem pretty appropriate. Fact is, they’re good life rules for any year.

Here ya go. Seven life rules, with some ruminations from me.

1 – Make peace with your past.

We all have those incidents from our past that tend to linger in our life’s rear-view mirror. That’s understandable. But what you want to be wary of is letting those past things, whatever they are, not disturb your present.

We don’t get do-overs. What’s done is done. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. It’s called the past for a reason. Glean what you can, but don’t camp there. Don’t let them confound your present.

2 – What other people think of you is none of your business.

Here’s a tough life rule for you, perhaps. There is absolutely zero you can do about what people think. Honestly, what difference does it make? You be you. Be authentic. To the extent you can internalize this one, the more freedom you have. Chances are you can’t change someone’s mind about you, so don’t bother trying. Leave it alone. Again, just be real. Don’t let others put snakes in your head.

3 – Time heals almost everything.

This particular life rule has a little disclaimer – “almost.” Time is a healer, but it’s not the end-all. Hurts can leave scars even after healing takes place. I get that. You don’t want to live with perpetual regret or pain, obviously.

In essence, the counsel of this life rule is “give it time.” Some things just don’t lend themselves to quick fixes. Time is relative – years? Decades? A week? Who knows. It depends. (Is this vague enough for you?)

I’ll stand by this one. Whatever is out of whack with you, give it time.

4 – No one is is charge of your happiness.

Except you.

Think someone or something outside of yourself is supposed to make you happy? Nope. Life’s not like that, and the life rule is that you are responsible. There’s a prevalent entitlement mindset in our society these days we need to shuck.

This is not the same as God-given joy. He does give joy. What I’m talking about is the notion that the world exists to give you pleasure. Alert: the world doesn’t owe you anything, at least not happiness. There is the idea of “the pursuit of happiness,” and that’s actually pretty legit. There is nothing wrong with finding some fun out there and enjoying it.

Pursuit is the key word in this famous historical phrase, because it implies that you go looking for it. It doesn’t automatically come to you.

I’d hasten to say this isn’t a license for hedonism. You are in charge of your appropriate happiness. I’ll let it go at that.

5 – Don’t compare your life to others.

That, and don’t judge them either. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

This particular life rule has a couple of components that are complementary. I suppose we’ve all done this – looked at someone with envy because they seem to be getting all the breaks. They’re sharper than you, better looking, healthier, all that. Even when you go beyond surface appearances, they still seem to have it all together.

I hate to feel like that. Because they are unique, you and I are unique, and because of that there doesn’t even need to be any comparison. You be you, in other words, and I’ll be me, and I will believe the ancient script that states that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.

And that judging thing? Have mercy. I’ll talk to someone, or read something they’ve posted on social media, and I wonder: Did your mama drop you on your head as an infant?

Because … what I’m hearing is so patently absurd and devoid of reason or critical thinking that I want to say, “Maybe your ignorance doesn’t need to be on such blatant display.”

I’ll hold my comments about the worst of the conspiracy theories.

The thing is that folks have a reason to believe what they believe. Who am I to judge? I don’t know their stories. Theirs are no less valid than mine. What I see is just a screen capture of one tiny part of their life journey. How could I devalue that?

6 – Stop thinking so much.

There is a divine element to this life rule. It is okay to not have all the answers. You wouldn’t handle omnipotence very well. None of us would. And “why?” is a perfectly acceptable question, as long as you don’t think you’re owed a satisfactory answer.

The good news is that when you need an answer, God may very well reveal it to you when you least expect it. Or not; He can certainly keep His own counsel, and He does. Frequently.

It may sound simplistic to say “just go with it,” but you can turn yourself into a jabbering, drooling, maniacal mess when you try to figure everything out. Some things you won’t ever understand. Some things you will someday.

In the flesh, I say to myself, “quit spending so much time in your own head.” In reality, though, my default thought is “Tony, you are so messed up.” I suppose I’ll be working on #6 all my life. Sheesh. It’s still a good life rule, though.

7 – Smile. You don’t own all the problems in the world.

Oh, y’all. Please embrace this last life rule.

I’ve advocated here in my blog, and other places, to take periodic news fasts. There is a case to be made for being informed, but I’d really encourage you not to dwell on the things you can’t do anything about.

Many people I know and love are so anxious, even depressed, because of the state of the world. Certainly we need to be diligent in prayer for the needs all around us.

Inherent in that, though, has to come a heartfelt acknowledgement that God’s got this. The problems are His to deal with. And God has no problems, right? He is not trying to figure things out. So, if He’s doing all that heavy lifting, He certainly doesn’t need your help. He owns it all. Not you.

That, beloved, should make you smile. You better listen to your Uncle Tony – you don’t own the world’s grief. You can’t fix everything. Fact is, there’s not a whole lot you can fix, except things like a burned-out light bulb. You can’t fix other people. For the most part, you can’t fix yourself.

Again, smile. Here’s why:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

There’s your life rules. Be well. Talk later!

*These seven aren’t necessarily original with me. I’ll have to credit our old friend “author unknown.” I’ve just fleshed them out a little.

I’ll start with a confessional. Sometimes, Christmas music gets on my nerves. But before you call the grinch squad on me, I’ll explain. And I will use The Little Drummer Boy as a jumping off place.

I love Christmas carols. Love ‘em. I might listen to them year round. But some of the secular stuff can really wear thin. White Christmas? Good with that. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day? Check – I like it.

But Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree? Santa Baby? Mariah Carey? The whole Bob Dylan Christmas album, which is like some sort of surreal fever dream? No thanks, ma‘am.

Then there’s The Little Drummer Boy. More carol than secular. And for some reason I’ve done a deep dive with this one recently.

Don’t look for him in scripture. You won’t find him. If you look for the little drummer boy in the context of the lyrics (aside from the pa-rum-pa-pum-pums), you can piece together enough clues to tell you that he showed up at the same time as the wise men. (And for a special treat, listen to this song as performed by Pentatonix.)

Check this out.

Our finest gifts we bring … to lay before the king … so to honor Him … when we come.

Here are the wise men. Traditionally, there were three of them, based on the three gifts.

They brought good things. Expensive, even priceless things.

And then there’s the little drummer boy.

Little baby … I am a poor boy too. I have no gift to bring that’s fit to give our King. Shall I play for you on my drum?

The wise men brought their finest gifts. The little drummer boy had nothing of material value. He just played his drum.

I played my best for Him. Then He smiled at me … me and my drum.

I wonder how the little drummer boy felt?

I hope he didn’t feel unworthy. Because what he gave Jesus was sufficient because he gave with a pure heart.

This raises a couple of questions:

• What are you afraid to give God because you don’t think it’s good enough?
• What do you do when you see other do things for Jesus? What’s your response?

File those away. We’ll come back.

Let me take you somewhere else – specifically, Mark 12:41-44.

⁴¹ Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. ⁴² But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

⁴³ Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. ⁴⁴ They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.” (NIV)

Can you see any parallels to the widow and the little drummer boy?

Maybe the widow thought what she gave wasn’t fit for God, but she gave anyway. It was all she could do.

The rich people threw plenty into the treasury. Jesus and His disciples were watching this, and then the little widow hobbles up to the treasury and drops those two coins in.

If you were there, what would you think? How would you feel?

I’d feel humbled at best, and unworthy at worst.

Giving doesn’t come naturally to me. I can be a stingy, self-centered, worldly old dude. I like stuff, and I don’t part with it easily.

God help me.

Both the widow and the little drummer boy had so little to give, but they both had hearts that longed to worship with all they have.

Let’s break this down, in conclusion. Actually, I’ll just ask that you and I answer these questions:

1. What are you afraid to give because you don’t think it’s good enough? Are you so mired in your sense of unworthiness that you don’t think you have anything to offer?
2. Have you been holding back anything from God? I’m not just talking about the things. I’m talking about your heart, your will, your whole life.
3. What are some ways you can give to God?
4. Have you ever seen God multiply something you thought was very small?
5. What’s something you’ve been thinking specifically about to give Jesus for His use? Want to be encouraged? Want to be a hope-giver? That’s my thoughts.

Where is your heart today?

I play my best for you.

I give you all I have.

God bless the little drummer boy. God bless us.

How to suffer. I’m repurposing a blog I wrote in 2019 with some additional thoughts at the end. This is very real and pertinent to me right now.

How to suffer well. Isn’t that a cheerful thought?

I’ve given this a lot of thought recently. Because, taken on its face, that makes God out to be some sort of cosmic ogre. It makes Him sound like a wicked potentate, demanding His pound of flesh.

Fact is, God is a god of mercy and justice. So how does suffering fit in? Does God indeed choose to crush you?

Yep. For the believer, it’s not optional.

Here’s what spurred this thinking for me. It grew out of a re-reading of the classic “suffering servant” passage in Isaiah 53 which is a prophetic foreshadowing of Jesus’ crucifixion. I’ve read this passage a gazillion times, I’m sure, and have often winced when reading verse 10.

Speaking of Jesus, Isaiah says, “Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer …”

So I thought, man, poor Jesus. I know it was all part of The Plan, but it was for a redemptive cause – his life was to be an offering for sin.

(I’d add that it’s this line of thinking which causes some non-believers to balk at the Christian faith. “I mean,” they say, “what can you say about a god who would crucify his own son?” We could unpack that later.)

Are there, then, times when God chooses for you to suffer?

I’ve concluded that yes, indeed, there is.

Understand that being crushed by God doesn’t mean that your life is an offering for sin. That role has already been fulfilled. This isn’t about you being that kind of martyr.

To illustrate, I’ll need to go all autobiographical on ya. Thanks for indulging me. I have a reason for being personal…

… but I’m not looking for pity.

You may know that in June of 2018 I sustained a nasty concussion. Concussions happen all the time. But in about a third of concussion cases, the victim incurs what is called Post Concussion Syndrome. The issues are complex, but the bottom line is that it’s not a quick recovery. Some days I feel like a poster child for PCS.

I do think I’m better. People tell me they’re seeing more of the old Tony, and I appreciate that so! I don’t necessarily feel it, but I’ll go with the bright days I do have.

Besides the apocalyptic migraines that have come with it, the cognitive issues, and other fun symptoms, the worst has been the darkest, blackest, depressed funk you can imagine. That, too, has been held mostly at bay. Yay for good meds! Better living through pharmaceuticals, right?

What that has done, though, has given me a fresh empathy for those facing mental illness in general and depression specifically. I get it.

Here’s where it gets messy, though.

For those who aren’t familiar with mental illness – either their own or by observing someone dealing with it – it is so, so easy to pass judgement.

Here’s what sufferers hear. I know experientially what I’m talking about:

”Shouldn’t you be over it by now?”

”Cheer up. There are plenty of people worse off than you are.”

” Just have more faith.”

Yeah, that’s really helpful.

The worst, for me personally, is the vibe that I get from some people who think I’m trying to get away with something. There’s no visible sign of illness, so you have to be working a scam, right?

You get cancer, or you get heart disease, and no one asks, “what did you do?” You get depression or other mental illness, and they ask, “who sinned, this man or his parents?”

I could go on, but I’d come across as a whiner.

I don’t want to be a whiner.

Back to my thesis – does God choose for us to suffer? What do you do when God chooses to crush you (and I believe He does)?

If you feel crushed by God, you are not the first, nor are you alone.

I won’t take time right now to talk about David, that man after God’s own heart, but I can tell you that he just flat-out despaired. Check out Psalms 13, 22, 38, and 42 for starters.

I don’t want to get bogged down in theological weeds. Let me be as honest as I know how to be. I think this will help someone today.

I knew the Gospel. I knew all the right answers. I’ve taught the truth as best as I knew how.

But what I have recently learned is that there is a refining work of God that can only come though moments of despair. Sometimes, you just have to suffer.

This: I believe that God, in His mercy, has caused me to suffer.

Know why? It may be that I entered a season that I needed to suffer with Him. I could sit back and be all academic about suffering, or I could experience it first hand.

Here’s what’s happened. Because He’s crushed me, the faith He gives me is now stronger, more focused, and has astonishing clarity.

By walking through days that are a slog, and facing nights that are unusually long, I see things I never saw before.

By spending time in darkness, I am coming to understand what the light of Christ is all about.

When you say depression is just evidence of a weak faith, then you’re forgetting that Jesus Himself knew horrific sorrow. Not only did He endure despair (and was forsaken by God!) He even bore all our sorrows.

The takeaway? God sometimes chooses for you to suffer. But His love for us never changes. It’s in Him we place our hope.

Some new thoughts:

• Christianity doesn’t give us a free pass out of suffering. You will suffer. I guarantee it. It’s right and proper to acknowledge you’re hurting, and hurting bad. Just because you’re a Christian doesn’t mean your suffering will be any easier or more endurable What it does mean is that you can see your suffering as one point in a timeline that stretches out into eternity. For Christians, that means that the best is still ahead of us.
• The real reward for suffering is what God does in us and through us. I’ve already spoken about this. But there’s an intimacy with God that happens amidst our suffering that only suffering can produce. It puts our feet on solid ground and not shifting sand. Our souls are touched by God Himself, who is always with us in our suffering.

We are all broken in some fashion, aren’t we? And brokenness can manifest itself in broken relationships.

This is a theme I tend to return to often, Broken relationships are just excruciating. Let’s suss this out, and let me see if we can get some guidance here.

You know where I’m coming from, right? And the fact is there are two sides to this particular coin, and we’ve hurt others just as much as they’ve hurt us.

There are broken people living with broken people in a broken world, and that leads to even more brokenness.

We don’t understand how much power we hold to cut down, wound, and affect the hearts of other people. We can be devastated by others. 

Here’s what I’m talking about. Can you relate?

Psalm 55:12-14, 19b-21

“It is not an enemy who taunts me-

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me-

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you- my equal,

My companion and close friend.

What good fellowship we once enjoyed 

As we walked together to the house of God…

..My enemies refuse to change their ways;

They do not fear God.

As for my companion, he betrayed his friends;

He broke his promises.

His words are as smooth as butter,

But in his heart is war.

His words are as soothing as lotion,

But underneath are daggers!”

Yikes. Can you think of a time when someone close to you hurt you? Did you feel broken after this?

So.

What can we do when we’re hurt by others?

Redemption is a root theme of scripture. It’s God’s role to take broken things and put them back together, and this includes relationships. It’s a cooperative effort; He’ll do His part, but we can’t be passive. Every hurtful situation is unique to the parties involved, and reconciliation is easier in some scenarios than others. Still, I believe there are some principles at work.

1.  Healing from brokenness is God’s gift.

This is God’s role, and healing always comes from Him and no one else. If you’ve been hurt, then the person who hurt you can’t fix you. And if you’ve hurt someone else, you don’t have the power to heal them. Our role is to tear down all the barriers of pain and resentment we put in the other person’s path, and then step back and let God fix what is broken.

2.  God’s goal  is to bring beauty out of every brokenness.

You may have been the wounded, or you may have inflicted the wounds. Be comforted knowing God is the redeemer in all things, and He’ll bring beauty out of brokenness we cause or experience. This is the only hope in a world where we as people hurt others, and they end up broken.

3.  Jesus heals.

Christ cares when people are broken and hurt by others. God hasn’t made all things new yet. Ultimately, He will. At the cross, he took action against our brokenness, He brings beauty out of brokenness now, and He will ultimately redeem relational brokenness forever.

4. Pray before taking any action.

This should be self-evident, but if you’re broken, this is a step in restoration. Remember you can’t fix this. So you have to ask for wisdom, patience, and love. Invite God to do what you can’t.

5. Don’t put off apologizing.

No apology, no reconciliation. Simple, right? But don’t put it off. Rather than wait for the other person to make the first move, jump in. It takes two people to mess up a relationship, but three to mend what is broken – that’s what God does. Insisting you didn’t do anything wrong leads to hurt and resistance, so you have to be vulnerable. Own your actions.

6.  Forgive the other person.

You have great power. The power to forgive! Lots of times, being broken comes from a past wound that one or more people created, and while that wound festers, there can be no restoration. Forgiveness, then, needs to be at the front end in order to deal with brokenness.

7.  Listen carefully, talk caringly.

So much of being in a broken relationship comes from us not really listening to them and striving to understand them. Listen, and don’t sit there rehearsing what you want to say when they take a breath. And, you for sure want to watch the words you say and how to say them.

8. Admit your own failings.

Being broken means acknowledging sometimes you can break yourself. This is a companion thought to Number 5 above. Instead of trying to win another argument, check out James 5:16 and confess any sins you’ve committed against that person. Take responsibility for what has happened.

9. Pursue peace.

There is a real chance you might never see eye-to-eye with the other person. You may not get the closure you want. That’s okay, because remember – it isn’t about winning! It’s a matter of realizing you both are broken, and you want to work on that relationship so it can be restored.

10. Know that, in some cases, the most necessary thing is to just walk away.

I hate this. There are some relationships that are so broken that even after prayer, pleas for forgiveness, and doing all you know to do for restoration, there may be some barriers that can’t be broken down by human hands. At that point, it’s time to step back and ask God to step in and be God. This isn’t a move to be taken lightly, because it might be perceived as a fresh wound. Again, God’s got this, and you can be at peace knowing you’ve done what you needed to do.

One thing for sure: If you are a believer, God works all the events of this life together for good. That means that nothing, and I mean nothing you do or that is done to you is irredeemable. God wants to bring beauty from your relational pain and brokenness and use it to sanctify you and bring about healing from being broken.

O be joyful.

Talk soon!