Here are 10 things never to say with someone dealing with mental health issues

I can’t find the quote or source, but it goes something like this: “Some people pretend to be sick. Those with mental health issues pretend to be well.”

Depression, anxiety, fears … they are part of the human experience. Fact is, there are many, many people who deal with these issues on a daily basis, and you’d never know it.

These are diseases, and should be treated as such.

But – if you have a friend or loved one who deals with mental health challenges, I’ve seen that people often mean well, but are clueless when it comes to what to say.

Here’s my own list of ten things not to say:

1. “It’s all in your head.” Well, it is. Sort of. While some mental health issues are due to dysfunctional thinking, there are a whole host of physical components that can play into it. The phrase “chemical imbalance” is tossed around casually, but the roots of mental illness can often be found in something going on internally, and not necessarily in “your head.”
2. “It’s not as bad as it seems.” Guess what – what is no big deal for one person can be absolutely crippling for another. What you’re saying with that phrase is “my worldview is better than yours.” I mean. Really?
3. “I know what you mean. I had to turn the TV off because what I saw on the news and it was depressing me.” Okay, props for trying to find a point of identification. This attempt at relating to what your loved one is going through is kind-hearted, but also misguided. It implies that those two things are the same or of similar consequence and minimizes their pain.
4. “There are plenty of people in worse condition than you.” That’s great – how about encouraging someone by comparing them to someone else? That’s so wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start. For all of us – comparing yourself to others can mess you up. How about focusing on what makes you unique?
5. “Are you okay?” That sounds pretty innocuous, and isn’t really too bad. The danger is that it puts the other person in a place where they’re almost obligated to say “I’m fine,” when that isn’t the case. It also implies that the person needs to get better immediately, and mental health issues seldom have a quick fix. I’ve gotten to where I respond “No, I’m not okay!” That effectively ends the conversation. Honesty and candor can do that.
6. “You have so much to be thankful for.” And that, of course, is true. Problem is that you can be thankful and hurting at the same time. We as believers are supernaturally blessed, but we are not exempt from spending some parallel time in some dark places. That phrase implies that if you were really consistently thankful, you wouldn’t feel the way you do.
7. “Get over it.” Hey, thanks for displaying some grace and mercy.
8. “Things could be worse.” This is a companion to #5. It’s like saying, “Fred lost his job, got diagnosed with cancer, and ran over his cat.” If you’ve never dealt with mental illness personally, then it’s hard for you to understand that depression, anxiety, etc., don’t necessarily have to have triggers. They just are.
9. “Just be positive.” And while you’re at it, tell someone with diabetes to “think happy thoughts” instead of taking their insulin. If it were only that simple.
10. “Have you prayed about it?” The implication here for the believer is “you must not have prayed, or else God would have delivered you, so your faith is weak.” My response is to take a look at scripture, for starters – check out words from David, Elijah, and other godly people. And understand, too, that God is the Great Physician, all healing ultimately comes from Him, but He has all sorts of healing tools at His disposal – proper counseling and medications, for example.

Finally, I’ll share some things I’ve heard that are helpful:

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Talk to me. I’m listening.”

“Would you like to talk about what you’re going through? Or is there someone else you’d be comfortable talking to?”

“I am proud of you for getting the support you need.”

“What can I do to help?”

“I am there for you, you’re not alone in this.”

“You are important to me.”

“I love you.”

Talk later!

I want to share part of Elizabeth’s story with you.

Elizabeth Fiegle was the minister of children and families at Liberty Baptist Church in Flowood, Mississippi, for a season. A Florida native, she finished up her work in Mississippi and headed south, returning to her Atlantic coast home.

She has  quite the story. Elizabeth’s story has sure encouraged me. I asked her to be my guest blogger today. Read this. Follow her on Instagram. Be blessed.

~ Tony ~

Tony asked me to share my story with you all, and as much as I would love to share my entire story, there simply isn’t space for that right now. I’m instead going to share a small glimpse into a season and a practice God taught me during it. In November 2016, everything seemed to be coming together and I found myself thinking that all the pain I had endured for years was over – that God was finally going to reward my faithful obedience. I’m chuckling as I write those sentences, because what followed the “happiest” season of my life was the worst year of my life which I fondly refer to it as “The Hard Year”.

In May 2017, in the midst of a conversation being had in a parking lot, the Hard Year began and I had no idea the pain I was about to learn to endure. During that year from May 2017 – June 2018, I lost three key relationships – the man I thought I would marry, my grandma who was my friend, and a family member who decided they needed time away from our relationship. While I don’t like to brush over the circumstances, they’re not central to this story, because the focus isn’t about what happened, the focus is God and what He taught me through that year.

He taught me to take a deep breathe and exhale it out.

Breathing in is as natural as anything we do, we don’t put thought into breathing until we find we’re having trouble with it. To breathe, to take a breath, sounds really simple and is easy to read in a sentence, but when you’re laying wide awake at 3:21am every night and your mind is spinning with the feelings that God is cruel and led you into the worst pain of your life – breathing is hard. Really, really hard.

Do I really mean breathing, like inhale – exhale breathing?

Yes, and no, but yes.

Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd; I lack nothing.”

I don’t remember when this verse took on new meaning for me, but I know it was during one of my 3am mind-spirals. Once I noticed these spirals were happening frequently, I tried to discipline myself to picking up my Bible and reading it as I lay awake. And so, like many other nights, I picked up my Bible to read Scripture and I looked up Psalm 23. I read it, but then looked it up in the NIV version and found myself stuck on 3 words: I lack nothing. I thought to myself, “If God’s word is true (and I believe it is), then this tells me that God is my shepherd that I am following and when I am following Him, I lack nothing.

So even though I feel like I am lacking everything right now, perhaps in this season, I have all that I need from God and nothing more or less. It may look like lack to me, but God knows it is all I need.”

And just like that I found myself repeating over and over again until I fell back asleep “God you are leading me and I lack nothing. You are providing what I need right now and I trust you.” And then I physically took a deep breath and exhaled it out.

This practice didn’t fix everything in that moment, but what I found is that every time the devil started to try to convince me I was lacking a relationship, a job I loved, or anything else, I would pause as soon as the thoughts started to swirl and I would repeat to myself Psalm 23: 1 “The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. God help me see you.” *inhale, exhale*

The practice of pausing, repeating Psalm 23:1, inhaling and exhaling is still something I do today when I start to let my mind wander into the “lacks”.

This verse that I have read and heard a million times walked with me through the Hard Year. I also would like to note I went to counseling for a year straight, and if my doctor and I thought necessary – I would have taken medicine. I kept my Bible and a notebook with me to write down my feelings and attach scripture to them to align myself into what God’s word says. I felt all of my feelings – which was excruciating but necessary (you can’t heal from something you don’t acknowledge is there).

And I breathed, learned to exhale, eventually started laughing again, and now – I sit here with a smile on my face writing about a time I wasn’t sure I would ever laugh again.

I don’t know why I felt led to share this small part of my story with y’all, but I think we all could benefit from pausing and breathing probably every hour, if not at least once a day.

Whatever you’re walking through right now, I hope that you are allowing God to lead you – and because you are allowing God to lead you – you lack nothing right now, today, in this moment you’re reading this post.

You have everything you need from God, which means you have everything you need.

I hope you are encouraged friends, thanks for reading.

If you want to keep up with me and probably the biggest gift from God I’ve been given – you can find me on instagram at @ebfiegle and follow my coffee and popsicle shop – @riverroadcp. It’s a literal dream come true, maybe one day I’ll share that story too.