Life is full of hard lessons, now isn’t it?

This should be self-evident, but we could probably save ourselves a lot of grief if we’d just simply chill. What I’ll share with you today falls in that vein. This pondering on hard lessons might strike you as defeatist. I’ll go with it anyway; you may find this expendable.

Or it might just be what you need to hear today. It’s certainly what I needed.

With that as background, let’s peruse this. These are my three hard lessons. You could probably make up your own list. And this is just three out of many.

 1. Some people can’t or won’t change. Leave them alone. Leave them where they are.

Oh, y’all, this is so not me. I look around and see people suffering, frankly. I’m not talking about just physical ailments, although that could be part of the mix. Rather, I’m seeing people setting themselves up for heartache, embracing the wrong kind of pain, and being taught some hard lessons … and not growing because of them.

So here’s Tony, watching someone make perfectly soul-scarring choices, and watching their life unravel.

And I’m learning to leave them right where they are.

Hear me: this doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Quite the opposite. It just means that, despite the fact that I always want to fix people, much in the same way a mechanic would want to fix a car that continued to stall, I have to take my hands off.

When it comes to hard lessons, some people just have to experience some hard lessons. What this implies comes from Alcoholic Anonymous – paraphrased, it says that “you can’t want something for someone more than they want it for themselves.” In other words – hands off.

So I, in effect, just have to leave people alone. The upside? I can intercede. For we who are believers, this may be something that doesn’t come easy. Deeds, not words, right? Let’s get our hands on that person hurting and make things right with our wisdom and advice.

Nope. Take them to Jesus. And leave there. Be available, be present, but let God take them through the hard lessons.

2.  Accept the tough situations, and the good situations, for what they are.

This might be tough to absorb, but there are a whole lot of things in life that are out of your hands. But none of them, nothing, not a thing is out of God’s hands.

Capisce?

To clarify: this is not an invitation to roll over and play dead, turn a blind eye, or whatever metaphor you care to invoke. The hard lessons component to this is that you simply must accept what is in your life, good and bad, because God has either allowed it or ordained it.

There are some deep theological weeds to get into here. Not today, not from me.

Rather, understand that for believers there is no such thing as “it just is.” It is what it is, certainly, but again – it’s no accident that it is.

I’m all about providence and sovereignty. God’s in control. Were he not, if there was just one renegade molecule in the universe, then He would have to abdicate His throne.

Yes, work for change as you are directed by the Holy Spirit. But exercise some wisdom, too. You may just need to take your hands off things you can’t directly impact.

Again, intercede. Accept that God is Lord of all, and for pity’s sake, relax.

3. Realize not every action needs a reaction or response.

This is one of the really hard lessons for me. I blame it on social media – or, rather, my abuse of it.

Here’s the scenario. I’ll be scrolling through Facebook, looking for news and updates or friends, and finding memes that crack me up.

Then I’ll read a post, invariably from someone I love or respect, and think to myself, “Are you nuts?” (Things from strangers don’t affect me this way.)

I’ll read something that is so blatantly wrongheaded and untrue, something that was cut and pasted or reposted without one scintilla of rational thought or vetting, and think “do you even know how ignorant this makes you sound?”

Then I get all self-righteous, as in “I’d never share anything so moronic. I’m better/smarter/more reasoned than that.” If it’s from someone I know to be a Christian, I think, “You’re making us all look bad.”

At that point, I feel the need to challenge that person’s thoughts, because, hey, don’t you want to know if you’re wrong?

I’ll type out one of my typical, reasoned, eloquent responses. I’ll put a lot of thought in it, because I don’t want to be reactionary. I want them to know of my respect for them, their measured thinking, and (hopefully) without dissing them, I’ll dismantle them by pointing out (in love) the fallacies in their statements.

Then I’ll sit back, all smug and self-satisfied…

And then delete it all.

Here’s one of my really hard lessons I’ve had to learn: I don’t have to correct everyone. Know why? I don’t always know their story.

People post and share out of a sense of who they are, what values they hold, and what beliefs are cherished by them. If I say anything, even if I’m trying to correct a position they hold, it invariably comes across as an attack on them. Most people can’t separate their beliefs from who they are.

And, as hard as this is to conceive, I might be wrong.

Of all the hard lessons, this is the toughest of the three for me. I simply don’t need to respond to everything I read. Sometimes I might. Sometimes I should. But, by and large, it seems wise for me to just listen.

That’s my three hard lessons. If you’ve of a mind to comment, I’d love to hear your hard lessons, too.

Be well.

 

Have you ever wanted to take charge of your life?

We all have.

I had a thought here recently. Ponder this, pilgrim:

As you live your life, it appears to be anarchy and chaos, and random events smashing into each other and causing this situation or that situation. It’s overwhelming. It looks like “what in the world is going on?”

And at the end of all things, when you look back at it, you realize your life was a finely crafted novel written by God Himself.

So, if you want to learn how to take charge of your life, perhaps some practical suggestions are in order.

Here ya go.

First, here’s my disclaimer. You are not totally in charge of your life. God is in charge of your life. He allows us to be stewards.

Get that? You are not the captain of your soul.

But there are plenty of ways we can take charge.

1. There are always going to be unhappy situations that will exist in your life. Always. You are not exempt.
2. Right now, grab a piece of paper or open a doc on your device. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
3. Draw a line down your paper, making two columns.
4. Make a list – right now – of three to five unhappy situations you are facing. Write them in the left column.
5. If you can’t come up with any, you may think you’re blessed. You are, sort of. But you can’t grow and learn unless you’re dealing with something.
6. In the right column, out beside each item in your list, complete this sentence: “I am responsible because …”

I’m guessing I just lost a lot of folks.

Still with me?

The unfortunate reality is that our default position in life is that when something is wrong, we look outside ourselves for a reason. That’s one reason it’s so hard to take charge of your life.

Family member, boss, co-worker, “friend,” other people … it’s their fault we’re in a bad state.

Or circumstances … I’m ill, I’m poor, I haven’t gotten the breaks others have, I live in a lousy city, it’s too cold, my parents messed me up.

You get the idea. But state this again – “I am responsible for this because …”

And complete the sentence.

Make this a non-negotiable: Change, and the world will change for you.

We could argue this, perhaps, but I firmly believe this is a natural law. Conversely, if you don’t change, then nothing will change for you. Ack.

I don’t want you to feel worse than you already do. What I’m sharing is not an excuse for you to beat yourself up. And Lord knows what I’m sharing is dang hard to self-apply some days. I’m so painfully aware of that gap between knowing what to do and actually taking action.

Here’s your next steps.

• Ask yourself this: “What are my major excuses for not choosing to change?” Write this out. There is amazing power in getting things out of your head, where things can get mushy and ill-defined, and onto paper. Something about staring down a problem spelled out is a game changer. Trust your Uncle Tony on this one.
• You’re going to find your excuses are pretty lame.
• Evaluate your heart by asking this question: “What situations anger me?” Don’t edit yourself. Write this one out, too. Don’t worry about whether it’s justifiable righteous anger or just being really ticked off. Just answer the question honestly.
• By identifying what makes you mad, you’ll have a better sense of what needs to be changed or avoided. And if it’s something you can’t change or avoid, you’ll know how you need to change yourself to roll with it.
• Which leads to this one – yikes! Again, write out your answer:“What are you blaming on others when you become angry?” Whew, babe. I just about guarantee that how you answer this will be one of the most self-revealing things you can learn about yourself.
• Because … if the things that make you angry are almost exclusively based on what someone has done to you/said about you/opinion they hold of you, watch out. You’re just their marionette, jerked along by invisible strings. They are controlling you. Not good. No bueno.
• You can cut those strings. You can choose and act.

Thanks for hanging in there with me as I puke on you.

My final thoughts:

This is about taking charge of your life. Everything I’ve shared is just academic unless you answer this last question. Write out your answer. I mean it.

“What will you do differently because of what you have learned?”

That’s your Action Point. My challenge to all of us is to identify one actionable, measurable “thing” and do it. Do it before the sun sets tomorrow. Write down the action you will take. Execute it. Write down the results. If there’s not a quick fix – and there probably won’t be – track your progress. Just don’t quit. Don’t give up.

I am so freakin’ hard on myself when I do these kinds of exercises. Maybe you think I’m being hard on you. Maybe you think I’m not being realistic. Perhaps you’re saying, “But Tony. You don’t know my circumstances.”

Well, I don’t. I have no clue about your life experiences (unless you’ve told me.)

Here’s what I do know, and you can etch this in stone:

If you want to take charge of your life, then you have to take charge of your life. Meaning – if you want things to change, you have to change first.

You can change. People do it all the time. Start with the truth that you are responsible, and go from there. Just be authentic with yourself.

Want to take charge of your life? It can be done, and you can do it.

Be blessed.

Postscript: As of this writing, my new novel, The Fixin’ Place, is holding strong as the #1 New Release in Christian Fantasy on Amazon. It’s also at #12 in Teen & Young Adult Religion & Spirituality eBooks. I’d be pleased if you’d take a look – it’s .99 on Kindle for a few more days, but is also available in paperback. If you do read it, I’d be especially grateful if you’d leave a review. Thanks ever so much!