Self-awareness is a scary thing.

For one, confronting and evaluating yourself can be thoroughly unpleasant. It’s like looking under a rock and finding the nastiest, slimiest slug imaginable, trailing its thread of goo.

It’s possible, though, that self-awareness can be pleasant. You look at where you once were and where you are now, and think, wow, I’ve come a long way. I’m not the person I used to be. That’s a good thing.

In any case, a periodic time to examine yourself is a positive way to be something better than you are. You can see your shortcomings and go to work on them. Or, you can see where you’re thriving and build on that.

Let’s go a step further.

Self-awareness can be a companion to others-awareness. The idea is that you are who you are in large part because of those who have entered (and perhaps exited) your life.

Think about this. Think about those whose lives have intersected yours. I’d suggest those intersections aren’t random.

This was very much on my mind when I got up this morning. I’m old enough to have known hundreds, if not thousands of people. Some I knew and know intimately. Others are the barest of acquaintances. I know many of them because of personal contact. And, interestingly enough, I truly believe I’ve come to know and love some people because of contact through social media. (And before the chorus of haters break into song, I totally understand that cybercontact is a pale imitation of personal “same space” contact. But it does have it’s place. And there are people I’ve never met physically that sure mean a lot to me. I also know that I only know of people online what they choose to reveal, but that’s another discussion.)

Think about this. There are people who are important to you. People who are unimportant to you. They cross your life, love appropriately, or interact carelessly. You have your ordained time with them. And they move on, and you are fine with that.

There are others who enter your life and you think, “Why in the world did I ever have to encounter them?” They devalue your spirit and suck dry your soul. One day they’re gone. You take a deep breath, mutter “thank God,” and move on. You are fine with that, too.

Then there are the unique others. I can think of a half-dozen of them in my own life. These are the folks that leave and you experience a quiet, piercing, agony and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole. That’s happened to you, right? They are gone. And you look at those currently present in your life and wonder, “O my goodness. What if they were to go, too?”

This is the way of life.

• Children leave parents.
• Friends leave friends.
• Romantic couples part company.
• People move away to a new home.
• People simply grow apart.
• Enemies hate and move on.
• Friends love and move on.

There are those who I was especially fond of that have now drifted into the hazy recesses of my memory. I still think about them.

There are those who are close to me now. I look at them and wonder.

What do you do when you are afraid of having to move on from someone? Or, even more significantly, what if you are the one that has to do the moving?

Ancient script says this, through the words of the Apostle Paul to his young student, mentoree, and friend Timothy. (In addition to all his other gifts and responsibilities, Paul may have been the first youth minister.)

”For I am already being poured out as a drink offering,† and the time for my departure is close. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. There is reserved for me the crown† of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge,† will give me on that day, and not only to me, but to all those who have loved his appearing.” *

Paul knew he was soon to leave this world. He knew that he wanted to leave Timothy with words to comfort him, but at the same time he wanted to be realistic in saying, “Timothy, my dear friend, I am finished. And it is all good.”

But I am enraptured with this imagery, the word pictures Paul paints! “I have fought the good fight.” “I have finished the race.” “I have kept the faith.” Old Paul. He realized he’d completed what he was put here to do. He was at total peace.

So, we have Paul and Timothy, who are, in effect, saying their goodbyes.

There are times when we have to do the same thing. As I’ve already mentioned, I believe that how we say and experience our goodbyes has to do with the context of what is happening.

I’m so stinking socially awkward and so all up in my head it’s a miracle I can even function outside the house. (That’s a joke. Mostly.) I’ll have a conversation with someone and walk away thinking, “What did I just say? Did it make sense? Did I make it too hard for them to understand where I was coming from? Did I say too much? Did I babble? Did I say something inappropriate? Did I say something to make them dread having any more contact with me? Did I say the right thing for them to know my heart and not be uncomfortable or freak out? Did I simply try too hard?”

I strive mightily to not care about those things. So far, I’m an utter failure.

In spite of that, people, I believe in God’s master plan for our lives. It doesn’t really matter all that much how good I was at communicating or relating.

Back to the goodbyes thing: I believe that God moves people in and out of each others’ lives. I think we each leave our mark on others. I believe we are all made up of little moments, little points of contact, little poignant memories of everyone who has ever touched our lives, whether we’re aware of it or not.

I believe you are more because of it. And I think you would be less if those precious lives had not intersected.

I pray God that we accept everyone who comes into our lives with humility and wonder.

I pray we never question. And I pray we never regret.

* 2 Timothy 4:6-8

What was it the old preacher said? “Put the hay where the sheep can get to it.”

Maybe today you’re feeling sheepish, and need some good hay. I hope this’ll fit the bill.

The context: I’ve spoken before about the gap between where I want and need to be and where I actually am. Chances are you know what I’m talking about. It’s a matter of having values and standards, and knowing clearly what they are … and not acting on them in real-life situations.

Or, you ask for advice and if it doesn’t appeal to you – even if it’s good – you don’t take it.

Worst of all, you’re aware that your attitudes, and the actions that grow from them, are stifling your growth. You get frustrated, and paralyzed, and you stay in the same sorry state you’re already in. And THAT leads to self-loathing and a sense of being unworthy.

Take heart. It doesn’t have to remain that way, but you do have to act.

Let me share six thoughts with you. Each thought should ideally lead to action on your part. Let’s strive for deeds and not just words with this list, okay?

1. Hate no one, no matter how much the’ve wronged you. (And I’m sure you’re saying, dang, Tony, that’s not what I wanted to hear right out of the chute.) For some, hate comes easily, and I wouldn’t presume in this simple blog to try to analyze the why’s. It may be that ingrained childish impulse to hurt back when we’ve been hurt (as if that would change anything.) I’m not persuaded that hating anyone for any reason ends up positively for the person doing the hating. I’m not discounting the crystalline pain that comes when someone does you wrong. What I do want to state is that hate won’t undo what has already happened. That’s rear-view mirror stuff. And that person entered your life for a reason, as unfathomable as that might be. We can learn lessons from good and bad people. Bottom line: hating someone else doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes you feel even worse.
2. Live humbly, no matter how wealthy you are. This may not be an issue for you, because you feel you don’t have much to begin with. This actually has more to do with our Western fixation on “stuff” – acquiring and holding onto material things. I’ll admit that there are thing I appreciate – air conditioning in my car, my Instant Pot, Netflix. I am thoroughly unimpressed with people who flaunt their things. If you determine your worth based on your “worth,” then how will you feel when you don’t have it any more? The goal is to simply live humbly, as in “live within your means,” and be grateful for that. I struggle with delayed gratification, because when I want something I want it then. That’s put me in a tough place more than once. Right now, take a moment and look around. My guess is you have everything you need and a lot of things you simply want, and that’s not a bad thing. You are doing fine. Better than fine, actually.
3. Think positively, no matter how hard life is. This is not some pop psychology, pump yourself up directive. You can start by realizing that you are not unique and that there are a couple of gazillion other people who have faced or are facing the same challenges you are. That may not lessen your pain, but there is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Second, thinking positively may not change your situation, but it will change you. You for sure can’t change other people, and you may not be able to change your circumstances. You can change your heart. This should be self-evident. I mean, don’t you feel better when you embrace the positive rather than dwell on the negative? You are responsible. You can change your outlook. Pity the person who builds themselves a cage of misery, places themselves in it, and locks the door and tosses away the key. When you don’t think positively, what you are saying is that you are psychic to the extent that you know exactly what is going to happen, i.e., things will never get any better. You are positive because there is always hope.
4. Give much, even if you’ve been given little. We can start with giving away tangible things – money, for instance. I know money is hard to come by, and there is something in our primordial nature that makes us want to cling to what we have. Even now, I’m watching our granddaughter try to grasp the concept of sharing, and it doesn’t come easy. She’s pretty selective about what she shares, and with who. But you know how good you feel when you’re able to help someone else out? How about if that was a lifestyle? And if you’re operating from a scarcity mindset, just remember that you are living in abundance. For believers, remember that ancient script tells us that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. That’s a nice transitional thought to the principle of giving yourself away. Is there anything more noble or rewarding than spending yourself in a cause bigger than yourself? Or giving yourself to someone who can be blessed because of you? You may not have much money, but you do have a big ol’ heart. Be expansive. Be extravagant.
5. Forgive all, especially yourself. This is a companion thought to #1, above. Here’s the reality – folks have done you bad. You may even have a “nemesis” out there, someone who is simply out to get you. Or they’ve already gotten you. I’ve looked hard, and I can’t for the life of me find justification to not forgive. There’s not a loophole in sight. Forgiveness isn’t conditional. We could tease out some scenarios where you might feel justified in saying, “I just can’t forgive so-and-so for what they did,” but that justification won’t stand up under the reality of what we are commanded to do. Then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself. This is a tough one. You know yourself, your heart, and what you’ve done. It may be that there is real shame attached to something in your past. Again, though, you can’t take it back. Don’t pretend that feeling bad about yourself will make you feel better. There is a biblical concept called “repentance,” which means not only do you feel conviction about what you’ve done, but you resolve to accept forgiveness and turn away from the thing that caused personal grief in the first place. Don’t dwell on the bad you’ve done. Concentrate on the good that is in you.
6. Never stop praying for the best for everyone. If you ever catch yourself wishing ill will on someone else, shame on you. How would wanting someone to hurt help you? There may be a perverse satisfaction in seeing “someone get what was coming to them,” but it is a satisfaction based on our own selfish sense of vengeance. I’ve heard this all my life, but I’ve finally accepted that it’s hard to hate someone when you’re praying for them. You’ll have to determine what someone else’s “best” is as you pray for them. A good place to start is to pray for that person’s hard heart, that it be softened and opened to the possibility of goodness and peace. My boss says “hurt people hurt people,” and that’s a pretty wise statement. Wouldn’t your own heart be softened if you knew someone who dislikes you was praying for you?

These six thoughts are all interconnected, and one is not more important than the other. So do a little introspection, determine where you need to go to work, and get after it. Be hopeful. Who you are not is not who you’re destined to remain.

Your future needs you. Your past doesn’t.

The great philosopher and theologian, Meat Loaf, sang:

But it was long ago and it was far away

Oh God it seems so very far

And if life is just a highway – then the soul is just a car

And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.*

 There is no question we can be haunted by memories. Unless there is some compelling reason otherwise, we can conjure up images from yesterday, both good and bad.

It has a lot to do with regrets. Things we should have done, things we did, things that still occupy our thoughts. Things we’d like to take back but can’t.

Sometimes those memories crowd in on our waking lives to the extent that they influence our here and now. We say “I’m sorry,” and mean it, but it doesn’t undo the past. Consequently, we look ahead with fear, afraid we’re gonna mess up again. We’re afraid of repeating past mistakes. We don’t want to submit ourselves to guilt and shame.

That guilt/fear/shame mindset is a killer. And while we consciously know we should move on and look toward brighter days, we find ourselves mired in deep taffy.

What’s the solution? Are we to be held hostage to what once was?

Absolutely not. There is always hope.

What Marvin Lee Aday (see? You just learned Meat Loaf’s real name) captured is a haunting sense of loss. But if you pick apart the lyrics just a bit, there is a comforting truth to be found:

“…and objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.”

That convex mirror on a car is designed to give a wider field of view, to keep other cars from getting lost in that “blind spot.” While an approaching car may seem close, in reality there is more distance that might appear.

I don’t want to torture this analogy, but the past is a lot further behind you than you might imagine. It just seems close. Here’s the fact: Even if something occurred five seconds ago, it’s as much of your past as if it had happened ten years ago. The past is just that: the past. And, as such, it’s now in your rear view mirror. It’s over and done.

I do need to make a little distinction. There are indeed consequences of your past actions. You rob a bank and get caught, your future is going to be different than if you’d not robbed that bank. So, granted, in that sense your past can influence your future.

What I’m talking about is your mind, how your past gets in your headspace and stays there rent-free. That’s where we struggle. And that is what you need to deal with.

Say this out loud (probably best if no one is around): “I can’t take it back.” Whatever your “it” is, you can’t make it go away. It’s a point and an event in time. Heck, it can even be a thought, that decision you made that changed your way of thinking, perhaps not for the best.

Here’s what might make all the difference in your future:

• Whatever happened, whatever was said, glean what lessons you can from it. Don’t waste it.
• Consider this – you are able to empathize with others going through the same ordeal in a way you could not have had you not faced it yourself. Is there a way you can positively use your regret and channel it into something redemptive?
• You absolutely have the power to choose your responses to, well, everything. You better listen to Uncle Tony – there’s a mindset in the world today that you’d better shuck. You aren’t entitled to anything. Having things go your way is not a birthright. You are going to make stupid choices, and you are going to fail miserably. You are going to fail. Here’s a secret for the ages: you can totally determine what to do next. You aren’t a random clump of cellular matter, preprogrammed to act and respond in an unchangeable way. You aren’t trapped. You have a free mind.
• That free mind thing? There are some staggering implications for you. The most significant one is that from right now, right this moment, right this nanosecond, you can make choices that will impact your future for the better. You aren’t trapped. If you feel imprisoned by the past, it’s a prison of your own making.
• The scope of this particular blog entry doesn’t allow for a discussion of how to exercise wisdom, or of how to go forward in making wise choices. You are going to fail and make bad choices still, but you can certainly cut your losses. Life is hard enough without us bringing undue grief on ourselves by choosing poorly. We’ll take that up later, perhaps.

The reason you’re alive and able to read this is that you have yet to accomplish what you were put here to do. There’s your hope. Your call is to make a difference in someone else’s life, and you do that by understanding you can make a difference in your own life in spite of what has been. Living in the past doesn’t serve anyone. Living for the future serves all.

Ancient script states, “… one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b – 14).

Goals. Prizes. All available to us. Sounds good to me.

*Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are lyrics © CARLIN AMERICA INC

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