Some things are out of our hands. Unfortunately, that’s what we tend to obsess over. 

Your Uncle Tony’s only comment: What good does that do? That’s not to say that I’m not guilty of this. What I have learned for myself personally is that I don’t need to clutter up my precious headspace thinking about things I have no control over.

So, I don’t worry about the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park. I really ration my intake of news – most of it I simply can’t do anything about, or even influence. (Yes, I am an informed voter, but why track every word or comment?)

I can’t make anyone like me.

I can’t fix folks, as much as I’d like to.

You could make your own list of things you fret over that you can do absolutely nothing about. I’d wager it would be a long one.

That junk needs to be set aside.

But there are things you can control and do something about. Let’s talk about those, because some of these can genuinely affect the condition of your life and heart. I want this to be encouraging.

These are in no particular order. I may have seen this list somewhere, or at least something similar, but these are the points that I think are worth sharing. The pontificating on the points are all my own stream of consciousness musings.

1. Who you hang out with. I’ll bet your mama pointed this out to you at some juncture of your life. You take on the nature of the folks you are around. That could be good or very, very bad. How about let’s all hang out with folks who are positive, affirming, and genuine? How about avoiding those who are negative, destructive, and who delight in being miserable and deceptive? Who do you want to be like? I understand that frequently we’re put in places in which we can’t avoid toxic people – it might be classmates, coworkers, or even relatives. You may not be able to control that, but you can control your level of interaction and involvement. You know who’s good for you and who’s not.
2. Your effort. Remember what Yoda said? “Do, or do not. There is no try.” I’ve observed that when people say “I’ll try,” as in, “I’ll try to be there,” that means no, or at the very least “I’ll lean in that direction but I’m not promising anything.” So if you say you’ll try something – attempt it – that’s where effort kicks in. You can choose how hard you try. I’m wary of anything that comes too easily. We all need to determine what’s worth an all-in effort and what is of no real consequence. Abraham Lincoln said, “Whatever you are, be a good one.” That’s the effort I’m talking about. Of course, you don’t want to invest in uselessness.
3. How personally you take things. I grew up hearing, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me.” That’s bogus, of course, because words do hurt, and some people can wield them with deadly accuracy. Our default attitude should be “consider the source,” because some people are just naturally mean-spirited and ugly. So what do you do when you’re slammed by someone you care about? The trick/skill is to separate yourself and your sense of worth from what was said. Someone else’s words or actions don’t define who you are. Remember – hurt people hurt people. You might find yourself feeling pity for the person who attacked you. It’s your choice as to how you respond. You can choose.
4. What you believe. Beliefs are so subjective, y’know? People hold totally irrational beliefs and would go to the mat defending them.  (For a lot of the world, for instance, belief in God is just nuts and utterly irrational. So I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.) I try not to belittle someone else’s beliefs, but I do want to be in a place that I can share my own with them. That has a lot to do with earning the right to be heard. That said, I can indeed control what I believe. I’m just not gonna let someone else tell me how to think. Whatever you believe grows out of your worldview, and that was influenced by … something. The reason we draw battlelines is because we approach life from differing worldviews and don’t bother to try to understand where the other person is coming from. That’s another topic, perhaps.
5. Your priorities. Yes, indeed, you can choose how to invest your time and energies, and you’ll tend to invest them in what is important to you. You get to choose what’s important. You know where your heart is. You know what you make time for. You can learn a lot about yourself and the state of your heart by evaluating where you spend your time. Maybe Stranger Things 3 is your priority these days. Maybe spending time in prayer is a priority. You get to pick.
6. How kind you are. A favorite go-to descriptor from my childhood was to identify someone as a “meanie.” They’re still out there. I’m so naive here – I can’t help but wonder why we can’t all be nice to each other. It’s out of your hands as to how someone treats you. What you can do is decide how you treat others. For pity’s sake, be kind. You may not receive kindness in return, but at least you’ll know you did the right thing. “You must always remember this: Have courage, and be kind. You have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body. And it has power. More than you know.”
   ― Brittany Candau, Have Courage, Be Kind: The Tale of Cinderella
7. What you eat. I’ve never seen anyone accidentally eat anything.
8. What you talk about. This is a big one. Lord knows I’ve been historically known for saying things and immediately wishing I could take it back. I distinctly remember saying something harsh to a kid in my youth group, and doing it to make a point. I’ll never forget the hurt on his face. What I said and how I said it was totally unnecessary. And blurting out something inappropriate? That too. I’m actually thinking more here about what we say and discuss that’s premeditated. That’s shows the condition of your heart. Ancient script says, “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” *
9. What you think about. Of course, there are times when really, really unwelcome thoughts jump into our heads. As the saying goes, “You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep him from building a nest once he gets there.” What I’m referring to are the thoughts we embrace and ponder and marinate in. Think bad, reap bad. Think joy, reap joy. It’s just that simple, at least in concept. In practice it’s little tougher. What you think about so often has to do with environment – who we hang with, what we watch or listen to, all that. I always say, “Guard your heart,” but a companion to that would be “Guard your mind.”
10. How open-minded you are. I have to tread carefully here, but I’d wager all of us were born open-minded. Life experiences, exposures to those of differing worldviews, and tons of other factors can cause those open minds to slam shut like a bear trap. To folks who would definitively say, “There is no God,” for example, I have to wonder what brought them to that conclusion. In fairness, I’d have to apply that same standard to myself … there was a time in the past that while I never questioned the existence of God, I had to consider “What if this Jesus story is the biggest hoax ever?” I resolved that quickly, of course, but to be intellectually honest I thought it was okay to entertain the hard questions. Open mindedness would also include hearing the other person’s story without prejudice. I will say that there are several issues of life that I am beyond rigid about, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give you a fair and compassionate hearing.
11. Your happiness. Did you know you can choose to be happy? Did you know that true joy exists apart from circumstances? Joy doesn’t have a whole lot to do with emotion, and emotions are great betrayers. But, yeah, you can choose happiness and your God-inspired outlook on life. You are responsible.
12. How seriously you take life. Okay, granted, I’m a true melancholic, and I tend toward gloom (not pessimism, and certainly not despair.) Honestly, though, people. Honestly. There are so many things we view as cataclysmic, and in the grand cosmic scheme of things, they just aren’t that big of a deal. I can read political posts, and my first thought is, “That person is taking themselves WAY too seriously.” Not only that, some things we get all worked up about are really just goofy. Pity the humorless person who can’t laugh at themselves! Everything that happens impacts eternity, in some way; but so much of our personal peace and encouragement comes from just going along for this wonderful ride of life. Control what you can, and the things you can’t? How about letting God handle those for you? He’s good like that.

* James 3:5-6

What was it the old preacher said? “Put the hay where the sheep can get to it.”

Maybe today you’re feeling sheepish, and need some good hay. I hope this’ll fit the bill.

The context: I’ve spoken before about the gap between where I want and need to be and where I actually am. Chances are you know what I’m talking about. It’s a matter of having values and standards, and knowing clearly what they are … and not acting on them in real-life situations.

Or, you ask for advice and if it doesn’t appeal to you – even if it’s good – you don’t take it.

Worst of all, you’re aware that your attitudes, and the actions that grow from them, are stifling your growth. You get frustrated, and paralyzed, and you stay in the same sorry state you’re already in. And THAT leads to self-loathing and a sense of being unworthy.

Take heart. It doesn’t have to remain that way, but you do have to act.

Let me share six thoughts with you. Each thought should ideally lead to action on your part. Let’s strive for deeds and not just words with this list, okay?

1. Hate no one, no matter how much the’ve wronged you. (And I’m sure you’re saying, dang, Tony, that’s not what I wanted to hear right out of the chute.) For some, hate comes easily, and I wouldn’t presume in this simple blog to try to analyze the why’s. It may be that ingrained childish impulse to hurt back when we’ve been hurt (as if that would change anything.) I’m not persuaded that hating anyone for any reason ends up positively for the person doing the hating. I’m not discounting the crystalline pain that comes when someone does you wrong. What I do want to state is that hate won’t undo what has already happened. That’s rear-view mirror stuff. And that person entered your life for a reason, as unfathomable as that might be. We can learn lessons from good and bad people. Bottom line: hating someone else doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes you feel even worse.
2. Live humbly, no matter how wealthy you are. This may not be an issue for you, because you feel you don’t have much to begin with. This actually has more to do with our Western fixation on “stuff” – acquiring and holding onto material things. I’ll admit that there are thing I appreciate – air conditioning in my car, my Instant Pot, Netflix. I am thoroughly unimpressed with people who flaunt their things. If you determine your worth based on your “worth,” then how will you feel when you don’t have it any more? The goal is to simply live humbly, as in “live within your means,” and be grateful for that. I struggle with delayed gratification, because when I want something I want it then. That’s put me in a tough place more than once. Right now, take a moment and look around. My guess is you have everything you need and a lot of things you simply want, and that’s not a bad thing. You are doing fine. Better than fine, actually.
3. Think positively, no matter how hard life is. This is not some pop psychology, pump yourself up directive. You can start by realizing that you are not unique and that there are a couple of gazillion other people who have faced or are facing the same challenges you are. That may not lessen your pain, but there is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Second, thinking positively may not change your situation, but it will change you. You for sure can’t change other people, and you may not be able to change your circumstances. You can change your heart. This should be self-evident. I mean, don’t you feel better when you embrace the positive rather than dwell on the negative? You are responsible. You can change your outlook. Pity the person who builds themselves a cage of misery, places themselves in it, and locks the door and tosses away the key. When you don’t think positively, what you are saying is that you are psychic to the extent that you know exactly what is going to happen, i.e., things will never get any better. You are positive because there is always hope.
4. Give much, even if you’ve been given little. We can start with giving away tangible things – money, for instance. I know money is hard to come by, and there is something in our primordial nature that makes us want to cling to what we have. Even now, I’m watching our granddaughter try to grasp the concept of sharing, and it doesn’t come easy. She’s pretty selective about what she shares, and with who. But you know how good you feel when you’re able to help someone else out? How about if that was a lifestyle? And if you’re operating from a scarcity mindset, just remember that you are living in abundance. For believers, remember that ancient script tells us that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. That’s a nice transitional thought to the principle of giving yourself away. Is there anything more noble or rewarding than spending yourself in a cause bigger than yourself? Or giving yourself to someone who can be blessed because of you? You may not have much money, but you do have a big ol’ heart. Be expansive. Be extravagant.
5. Forgive all, especially yourself. This is a companion thought to #1, above. Here’s the reality – folks have done you bad. You may even have a “nemesis” out there, someone who is simply out to get you. Or they’ve already gotten you. I’ve looked hard, and I can’t for the life of me find justification to not forgive. There’s not a loophole in sight. Forgiveness isn’t conditional. We could tease out some scenarios where you might feel justified in saying, “I just can’t forgive so-and-so for what they did,” but that justification won’t stand up under the reality of what we are commanded to do. Then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself. This is a tough one. You know yourself, your heart, and what you’ve done. It may be that there is real shame attached to something in your past. Again, though, you can’t take it back. Don’t pretend that feeling bad about yourself will make you feel better. There is a biblical concept called “repentance,” which means not only do you feel conviction about what you’ve done, but you resolve to accept forgiveness and turn away from the thing that caused personal grief in the first place. Don’t dwell on the bad you’ve done. Concentrate on the good that is in you.
6. Never stop praying for the best for everyone. If you ever catch yourself wishing ill will on someone else, shame on you. How would wanting someone to hurt help you? There may be a perverse satisfaction in seeing “someone get what was coming to them,” but it is a satisfaction based on our own selfish sense of vengeance. I’ve heard this all my life, but I’ve finally accepted that it’s hard to hate someone when you’re praying for them. You’ll have to determine what someone else’s “best” is as you pray for them. A good place to start is to pray for that person’s hard heart, that it be softened and opened to the possibility of goodness and peace. My boss says “hurt people hurt people,” and that’s a pretty wise statement. Wouldn’t your own heart be softened if you knew someone who dislikes you was praying for you?

These six thoughts are all interconnected, and one is not more important than the other. So do a little introspection, determine where you need to go to work, and get after it. Be hopeful. Who you are not is not who you’re destined to remain.