Chill. I think you need to relax.

It’s because you find yourself in knots way too frequently. On really bad days, you can’t even suck in a decent breath. You have this sense of constriction, of the world closing in on you.

This is unpleasant (see my gift of understatement working here?)

Temperamentally, I’m not given to anxiety. Depression, well, yeah. But to spend my days bent out of shape? Nope. I just don’t find that much to get all agitated about.

I’ll tell you what is my kryptonite is along these lines. I feel that there are way too many times when I’ve wandered away from God. It isn’t that I’ve turned my back on the faith. Nothing like that. It’s rather an aimless drift, a sense of anchorlessness, of knowing where I should be and what I should be doing, and knowing that I’m not there.

I’m I hard on myself? Oh heck yeah. I can’t bear the thought of God being disappointed in me. I don’t want to let Him down. I want to please Him, because He’s daddy.

How about you? What’s your kryptonite?

• You second guess your motives and your actions, wondering in hindsight if you handled situations right.
• You have this sense of aimlessness.
• You wonder if you’re fulfilling your purpose in life.
• Heck, you’re trying to figure out what your purpose is.
• You feel indecisive and wishy-washy.
• You wonder if you’re adequately meeting the needs of those you care about.
• You can’t focus or stay on task because you’re afraid of failure.

If you’re a person of faith, then these issues are even more acute. After all, you are supposed to be standing on the Solid Rock. You’re supposed to be steadfast and unwavering. You absolutely shouldn’t be stressed … as you often say, “God’s got this!”

Of course He does. Unquestionably. Then why isn’t that a reality for you? Why is anxiety such an integral part of your temperament?

Guess what. I think you need to relax. You are just a fragile human being, who changes as much as the weather.

That is not a weakness. It’s just the acknowledgement of a reality. We are hard-wired to adapt to different circumstances and environments. We are going to have good days and bad days. Maybe even good hours and bad hours. All sorts of factors play into our shifting moods and feelings.

There are some people, perhaps, that are so steadfast that nothing deters them from their forward march. They are invincible. Aspire to that, if you will. I do think that’s attainable. But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t hit your marks every time.

That is, of course, not an excuse to be mediocre and ordinary. There’s no honor in that. I’m just pointing out that you have to be self-forgiving. And repentant – if you habitually screw up in one area, that is NOT a good life plan.

Beware of setting some ridiculous standards for yourself. Aim high, certainly. Don’t tolerate known sin in your life. Don’t be proud of being average. But keep it real.

I’m afraid many of us have been tricked by the Enemy into judging our own flesh.

In other words, we view ourselves through human eyes. I can assure you, that’s a no-fail way to feel anxious because you’re convinced that you will never amount to anything.

Do not buy into that lie. Satan knows that if he can get us to focus on ourselves with all our frailties, we’ve done his work for him. He loves to see us sidelined, convinced that we are losers, committed to a life distant and aloof from God.

Well now, grasp this:

Your faith is based on His grace and not your feelings.

The pressure is off. You don’t have to perform to be right with God. What is inherent in you that makes you all that special anyway? We are all frail creatures of dust. But because God  is gracious beyond human understanding,  He loves us just the way we are. There’s not anything you can do to make yourself any more loved by Him.

Remember, your feelings will change. You’ll have those days when you feel like a leaf in the wind.

In spite of how you feel, God does indeed have you in His grip. That’s where faith comes in – you anchor yourself in the reality of who He is and what He’s done. Grace covers all your anxiety, all your uncertainty, all your questioning, and all your confusion. He understands. Oh yes, He does.

I think you need to relax.

(Note: As I write this, I’m in Orlando/Kissimmee, Florida, at the certification conference for the John Maxwell Team. I’m gonna receive my full credentials to be a coach and teacher, which is sort of a big deal for me. I’m a day late on my blog because of that … yes, I could’ve done this earlier. Oh, well.)

Maxwell says, “Leadership is influence,” and that’s what spurred me on to today’s blog. Because you make a difference whether you mean to or not.

My blog is all about encouragement, being hopeful, and keeping your head high in chaos. Maybe your primary concern is just getting through the day. That’s a big deal, you know? Many people barely squeak by in the course of 24 hours. Their daily lives are a slog.

Perhaps, then, being an influencer is way down on your list of priorities. Finding your keys may be your biggest accomplishment for the day.

However. You make a difference whether you mean to or not. It all depends on how you want to make a difference.

Do you want to be purposeful, or do you want to be random?

Because the choices you make, small or large, can and do make a mark in your corner of the world.

I want to illustrate this with a little history lesson.

I am a product of the South. I am not ashamed of that. My “southernness” is a huge component of who I am. But I am not an apologist for the Confederate States of America. Both of my great-grandfathers fought for the Confederacy. While that may seem reprehensible to many today, please understand – we cannot discern the mindset or prevailing culture of our ancestors, nor should we interpret what happened in 1861 through the sensibilities and hindsight of 2019. We don’t know what we would have done back then if that was all we knew.

That, by the way, is why I am secretly amused when people talk about being “on the right side of history.” How can you know that? The Third Reich thought it was on the right side of history, too. I’m wondering if our descendents will look back on these days and ask, “What the heck were they thinking?” But I digress.

I’ve been a War Between the States buff for decades. I’m pretty well-versed in that part of our history, and I can carry on a decent conversation about battles and politics and leaders of that era.

There is a Union officer I want to make you familiar with. He is Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain of the 20th Maine.

Ever heard of the Battle of Gettysburg? It was a pretty big deal. Chamberlain was responsible for repulsing the Confederate advance on Little Round Top, a key geographical position on the high ground of the battlefield.

By all accounts, this event turned the tide of the battle. Short on ammunition, Chamberlain employed a bayonet charge against a much superior force. (I have a link for you to check out. Humor me – it’s a compelling story, even if you aren’t a history buff.)

Chamberlain said, “I had, deep within me, the inability to do nothing.”

Read that again.

I had, deep within me, the inability do do nothing.

Still here? Consider this.

Andy Andrews says, “Historians have discovered that, had Chamberlain not charged that day, the South would have won at Gettysburg. If the South had won at Gettysburg, historians say, the South would have won the war. Now, I had always thought that if the South had won, we would be the North and South, but historians say that had the South won, we would now have a continent that looks more like Europe, fragmented into nine to thirteen countries. Which means that, had Chamberlain not charged, when Hitler swept across Europe in the 1940’s, the United States of America wouldn’t have existed to stand in the breach. When Hirohito  systematically invaded the islands of the South Pacific, there would not have existed a country big enough, powerful enough, strong, populous, and wealthy enough to fight and win two wars on two fronts at the same time. The United States of America exists today because of one man who made a decision to charge. One man decided he was a person of action.”

This haunts me.

Part of it has to do with something of a certain self-centeredness I deal with. It’s that “looking out for number 1” philosophy. Self-care is important, but not to the extent that you forget about others.

There are needs all around you. You ever, providentially, wonder if you are the one to meet those needs?

I wonder if Chamberlain ever looked back at the battle for Little Round Top and fully understood what a difference his choice of a bayonet charge made, not only at Gettysburg, but on the outcome of the war itself.

You may not ever lead others in battle, at least in the military sense. There is a battle raging all around you all the time, even if you aren’t aware of it.

It may be that one of the best way you can be encouraged and embrace hope is to act directly on the things you can do something about. It’s getting out of yourself and looking at the higher cause.

At best, you may be able to encourage someone else, help them have hope in what seems to be a hopeless situation.

I can imagine the Union troops looked at the advancing Confederates and wondered, “What are we to do?” And their commanding officer gives some very unconventional orders. It paid off.

I guess what I want you to understand is this:

Act.

Don’t allow yourself to be paralyzed. Take action. The longer you brood and worry, the harder it will be to do something.

Don’t be Tony on a bad day. Tony’s bad days dictate that I spend all my time trying to figure things out. Be faithful to what you know you need to do. It will make a difference in the lives of others … and you.

 

Any of you with green thumbs? If so, I am in awe of you. I routinely kill plants, even though they’ve done nothing to wrong me.

I do understand this, though – if you don’t water a plant, it isn’t going to do very well. It isn’t going to grow.

Maybe the alternative is to simply buy artificial plants. They can be very realistic. Really well-made ones are foolers.

One thing, however. You can water an artificial plant, and it won’t grow. You’ll just have a wet artificial plant.

Maybe that’s a parable of you.

You evaluate yourself, realize where you are emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and say to yourself, “Dang. Maybe I’m not authentic. Maybe I’m a fake. And nothing I can do can change that.” (Trying to fix yourself is the equivalent of watering an artificial plant – you won’t grow if you were artificial to begin with.)

This is an awful state, and one I’ve drifted in to personally from time to time. I mean, I recognize this huge gap between who I want to be and who I actually am. Then I get in a funk, don’t feel authentic, and feel of little value.

Consequently, I beat myself up. I don’t feel I have anything to contribute. I can’t encourage myself to do better. Lovely.

However (and thank goodness there is always a “however”), it doesn’t have to be that way. I keep returning to one of my favorite themes – change, and the world will change for you. Hopelessness is not an option, remember?

So, how do we go about changing? Does it take some supreme act of the will? Can it ever be easy?

Yes. And no. We have to decide what we want to be, do, and have. Then act. Right now.

I just saw you cringe. You’ve heard this all before.

• You’ve read a great self-help/self-improvement book, made notes, underlined key passages, and attempted to execute what you’ve learned.
• You attended a conference. You were pumped up. You worked to make what you’d learned a reality.
• You sought out a mentor or expert for advice, counsel, guidance, and inspiration. You committed to do what he or she said.

How’d that work out for you? Been there, done that? I just have to hark back to my premise … no matter how bad you want it (whatever it is), you still have to change. All the inspiration and knowledge in the world is just random brain-filler unless you act. But you knew that already.

Let me share with you four backwards ways of thinking. It should, at the least, help you move past the logjam you are currently in. It will for sure help you view yourself and your circumstances in a different way.

1. Be confused. It is actually healthy to be in a bewildered place. It can force you to ask the hard questions. Most of us don’t want to do much self-evaluation because it makes us uncomfortable. Face the truth about yourself? Not so fun, but essential. It’s a matter of being personally authentic. I’d contend that confusion leads to a search for clarity. Who wants to sit around in a fog, paralyzed because the way doesn’t seem clear? That confusion should spur you on to seeking answers. Go with that.
2. Be broken. How unpleasant is that? I haven’t done a lot of study into this so this may be pure speculation on my part, but the ideal end product of brokenness is restoration. Fact is, we live in a broken, fallen world. It is simply the nature of our day. The question isn’t “Will I ever be broken?” The better question is, “Since I’m broken (and hurting), what restoration of myself do I want?”
3. Be frustrated. That probably comes easy. This can be a spinoff of statement 1, “Be confused.” Once you get clarity on an issue, frustration can come because (a) you don’t know how to act based on what you’ve learned, (b) you know exactly what needs to be done, yet you’re paralyzed by a fear of failure (“What if I try this and it doesn’t work out?”), or (c) you know what to do, you know how to take action, yet no one else gets it. Ack.
4. Be sad. I mean, who sold us this idea that we’re to be happy all the time? With all due respect to our Founding Fathers here in the United States, the pursuit of happiness can be virtuous. Problem is, happiness is transient and based on the circumstance we find ourselves in. Remember that “to everything there is a season.” Which means – sadness, while unwelcome, is necessary to us being a complete person.

In short:

• Confusion is where we can be taught new things.
• Brokenness is where healing begins.
• Frustration is what leads us to make more authentic decisions.
• Sadness is where, if we’re brave enough, we can hear God’s wisdom through it.

Wherever you are right now, no more hiding. God’s got this. God’s got you.

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“Change, and the world will change for you.”

That’s another one of those quotes that I can’t credit to anyone, other than noting it’s not original with me. It didn’t show up in a Google search. Maybe it was Napoleon Hill. And it’s a good’un.

Here are the implications:

• The way things are now aren’t the way they have to remain.
• If you aren’t happy with your current situation or circumstances, you can choose to make it different …
• … OR if change is out of your control, then you can change yourself. That is NOT out of your control.

This is so not me, by the way. My self-discipline, even on a good day, is on life support.  

It is infinitely easier to be a victim. It’s easier to state or believe that everything I experience, everything I am surrounded by, is due to some malicious intent on the part of God, who delights in making me miserable. He does this by engineering events, putting me in the path of jerks, and inflicting me with pain of various sorts.

Not.

That’s not the God I know.

I haven’t wanted this blog to be preachy, because I cordially dislike being preached to myself. I try to be mindful of folks reading this, because if their belief system doesn’t match up with orthodox Christianity, I don’t want them to get bored and wander off. Having said that … what I want to share is deeply rooted in my Christian worldview, and if that’s not your bag, stick around anyway. I’ll post something more palatable for you later. Or not; I’m gonna be true to who I am and what He means to me. I just want you to find real value here.

Anyway. In order for this to take root, you are going to have to learn to say an unpleasant phrase, and mean it when you say it:

“I am responsible.”

Did you choke when you said it? Then you must not have meant it.

Because here’s what you’re saying: You are saying that the condition of your life, your state of mind, your emotions are all your responsibility. Other people aren’t responsible for them. Your mama isn’t responsible for them. Society isn’t responsible for them. The government isn’t responsible for them. Nor are other family members, your boss, your professor, your coach, or your mynah bird. You are responsible.

This is both terrifying and liberating. It’s scary because now you don’t have anyone to blame for your situation. It’s liberating because now you don’t have anyone to blame on your situation. You wrestle with it because now your attitude is “I am responsible for this,” and you are right. So to get your situation  right, you must get yourself right. You do that by assuming you brought things on yourself, and even if you didn’t, you’ve brought your mindset onto yourself.

Don’t get all high and mighty on me. “Now Tony,” you say, “you don’t understand what I’ve been through. You don’t know the toxic people in my life. You don’t know what seeing my mama wrestle a bull when I was two years old did to me.”

Fine. Point taken. But your story is my story. It’s a universal tale. We all face grief and hardship. We all struggle. And more often than not, we are responsible for it all.

If you want to prove this to yourself, here’s a little exercise for you. It’ll sober you up pretty quickly.

• Take a sheet of paper. Draw a line down the middle of it.
• At the top of the left column, write “Unhappy Situation.” At the top of the right column, write “I am responsible because…”
• Start writing. Write down a situation, and across from it, write how you are responsible for it.

This can be an excruciating exercise. If you enter into it with the intent of being honest, you will learn some things about yourself that you may wish that you didn’t have to acknowledge.

There are some followup questions to make this even more telling:

• What are your major excuses for not making progress or changing?
• What are the situations that make you mad?
• What are you blaming on others when you become angry?

… and the biggie –

• What will you do differently because of what you have learned?

Obviously, there is no quick fix. Actually, that’s not completely true. I believe making the choice to accept responsibility can be made immediately, at any time. The process of life change because of that decision might take some time.

I can encourage you. As I’ve pointed out before, you can change whenever you want to. Change should give birth to hope, because it proves you aren’t trapped. Best of all, you are in the grip of One who loves you immensely. Roll with that.

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“You better listen to me.”

That’s a Mama quote if ever there was one. When Mama said that, something was about to be said that I needed to respond to. In other words, that was not a good time for my mind to drift.

There is a flip side to this. It’s a matter of you listening to someone else.

This is a rare skill. Typically, when we’re in conversation with someone, we hear their words, but we aren’t really listening. One of two things is probably happening: Either we are thinking about what we want to say next, or we’re thinking about a similar experience we’ve had.

Christian Simpson, a faculty member with the John Maxwell team (and a gentleman I’ve been studying under for the last few months – that’s a teaser of sorts for Tony’s latest venture), states that there are three levels of listening.

Level 1 is focused on our internal world. We hear the words of the other person but our focus is on what it means to us. We listen, but we’re rehearsing what we’re going to say when there’s a break. You aren’t in the moment with the other person.

Level 2 is listening to the other person with intentionality. It’s conscious and concerted listening. Your attention is laser-focused on the other person. It’s evidence that you are genuinely and authentically interested in others. There is nothing more validating than being truly listened to.

Level 3 is a global range of listening. I don’t want to go all ethereal on you, but listening at this level means you are picking up on the emotions of the other person; you sense subtle shifts in their energy, moods, and other subtleties. At this level, your intuition has kicked in. Hard and soft data merge. You have insights into the other person that is far beyond the ability of the analytical, reasoning mind.

Where do you usually find yourself? Granted, your answer will depend in part based on the person you’re having a conversation with. But I’m not talking about a random brief chat with a classmate or coworker in the hall. I’m talking about Talking.

I can tell you that this is an ongoing struggle for me. I’m such a fountain of wisdom and knowledge, it’s hard for me to bridle my tongue. People deserve to hear what I have to say, because it’s so good. So I patiently let them talk, then jump in to correct or admonish or enlighten them.

Pfft.

See what I did there? I (sorta jokingly) set myself above those who dwell in ignorant darkness. It’s already a burden for me to be right all the time. It’s an even bigger burden to be responsible for sharing that with my victim friend.

Honestly, I can’t think of any way I could be more callous and disrespectful. Probably 90% of the problems in society these days are caused by our unwillingness to listen to the other person.

This blog is all about being encouraged. Embracing hope. And yet, do you see what a hope-giver and encourager you could be by simply listening to someone as they share?

It’s a simple thing, really, to be engaged with another person in conversation. The challenge comes when you try to move from Level 1 to Level 2 or 3. Want to see someone be enthralled? Validated? Valued? Listen to them. Be authentic. Don’t fake interest.

Everyone has a story, even multiple stories. No one’s story is insignificant. It is valuable to them. And for them to be able to tell their story to someone who is genuinely interested – well, by golly, it can give them hope and encourage them. “He/she cares about me,” they think.

Of course, this is predicated on the reality that you do care. Caring may be a trait that doesn’t come easy for you. You can’t fake it. False sincerity stands out like a big ol’ zit, and there’s no covering it up.

Be authentic. Be in the moment. Don’t devalue others by being so self-absorbed. If you can encourage someone else by listening, then you’ll be encouraged in like measure. Count on it.

 

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I am intrigued by lighthouses (and if you look at the icon at the bottom of this blog,  you might’ve suspected as much. A lighthouse lends itself to all sorts of symbolism.) There is the practicality of the light as a warning of dangerous shoals and reefs, but also as a beacon to come home to safe harbor. Cool. I wanna be a lighthouse keeper. Some years back, male child Jeremy married the love of his life, Kathleen Fleet. Kathleen’s home is Traverse City, Michigan, and that’s where the wedding took place. Teresa and I found Traverse City to be absolutely delightful, a quaint storybook town. Actually, we came away feeling that Michigan was a state we could easily vacation in … the Pure Michigan commercials on TV are a great representation of the beauties of our neighbors to the north (and for this Southern boy, I’m glad to be open-minded enough to consider life above the Mason-Dixon Line as actually liveable!) We visited the Mission Point Lighthouse during the wedding. This lighthouse was built in 1870, and warned seamen of the dangerous shoals extended out into Grand Traverse Bay. Michigan has more lighthouses than any other state, but what sets this one apart, at least among the lighthouses around Traverse City, is that it has a keeper program, during which you sign up for a time slot and actually serve as a keeper. The light has long since been decommissioned, but you live in the tender’s house, manage the gift shop, answer questions, do maintenance, all that. Lovely. Just lovely. That’s as close as I’d ever come to being an actual lighthouse keeper. One day, perhaps. My understanding is that the life of a lighthouse keeper and his family is a solitary one. He must, however, look to the needs of those he may never meet. Think about it. He is steward over a light that lives literally depend upon. And should his light go out … I don’t want to torture this metaphor, but you see where I’m going. I know of people who were once lights who, for whatever reason, no longer shed the light they once did. What does this imply about faith? It’s possible that those (us?) who were once lightbringers are now shadows of what we once were. We got tired. We gave up. Those who once looked to us turned away. Pity. I wonder if part of the problem might be that we never realized that our light was fading. We became so routine and used to our role in life that we left the light untended, without sufficient fuel, until it was too dim to make a difference. Perhaps we only wanted light for ourselves. It might be that our light was never build on the Light that never fails. God is light, ancient script says, and in Him is no darkness at all. When you are in the dark, you feel isolated and alone. Light gives us the ability to not only see what is around us, but to give others comfort in knowing that they are not alone. We aren’t called to draw people to our own light. Rather, our call is to be a tender of God’s light. We don’t have to be something we aren’t. We don’t have to depend on our own luminescence. His light never fades. It never gives false guidance. We depend on it for ourselves. We depend on God alone. And, as He sees fit, He allows us to not be the light but to reflect the light. His light can cut through the fog, give guidance in the storm, and ultimately lead those seeking harbor a place to lay anchor in safety. “Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.”(italics mine.) 2 Corinthians 3:16-18, The Message [/av_textblock]