Negative self-talk? You prone to that? Let’s work on it.

As Christians, we believe that we are created in the image of God and that God loves us unconditionally. However, sometimes we forget this truth and allow negative self-talk to take over our minds. This is a pretty nasty deal. Negative self-talk can be incredibly destructive, holding us back from pursuing our dreams, preventing us from taking risks, and robbing us of our joy and peace.

But here’s the good news: we don’t have to live with negative self-talk. By recognizing when negative thoughts are taking over our minds, replacing them with positive ones, and trusting in God’s promises, we can get rid of negative self-talk and live the joyful, peaceful, and fulfilling lives that God intended for us.

Recognizing Negative Self-Talk

The first step in getting rid of negative self-talk is recognizing when it’s taking over our minds. Negative self-talk can take many forms, such as telling ourselves we’re not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough. It can also take the form of a nagging feeling that we’ll never measure up to our own or other people’s expectations. Whatever form it takes, negative self-talk can be incredibly destructive.

One way to recognize negative self-talk is to pay attention to the thoughts we have throughout the day. When we notice a negative thought, we can pause and ask ourselves if it’s true. Often, we’ll find that the negative thought is based on a lie, rather than on reality. You’ll have to come up with your own list of triggers, but it’s easy to lie to yourself and believe what you’re saying.

Keeping It Positive

Once we recognize negative self-talk, we can take steps to replace it with positive thoughts that align with God’s truth. Notice I’m talking about God’s truth and not “truth” from another source. I’m an absolute truth kind of guy … truth, by its nature, can’t contradict itself. I’m talking about truth with no mixture of error, and that’s from God alone. We can do this by finding Bible verses or positive affirmations that counteract the negative thought. Here are a few examples:

If we’re struggling with the belief that we’re unlovable, we can remind ourselves of the truth in Romans 8:38-39, which says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

If we’re feeling like we’re not good enough, we can remind ourselves of the truth in Philippians 4:13, which says, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

And if we’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious, we can remind ourselves of the truth in Matthew 6:34, which says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Practicing Positive Self-Talk

Replacing negative self-talk with positive thoughts is just the first step. The next step is to practice positive self-talk consistently. This means intentionally choosing to speak and think positively about ourselves, even when it’s hard. We can do this by creating a list of positive affirmations and Bible verses that we can turn to whenever negative self-talk creeps in. Here are a few examples – some of God’s greatest hits, if you will:

• I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
• I am a child of God (John 1:12).
• I am more than a conqueror through Christ (Romans 8:37).
• I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).
• I am loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).

Trusting in God’s Promises

Finally, we can trust in God’s promises as we work to get rid of negative self-talk. We can pray for strength, wisdom, and guidance, knowing that God is with us.

Chances are that I haven’t shared a single thing that you didn’t know. The goal, I’d say, is to close that gap between what you believe and actually do. You can’t wait until you feel like taking action to end what’s hurting you. Act first. Your feelings will catch up.

I hope these helped. You are harder on yourself than anyone else is. Embrace what God has done and what He thinks about you. His opinion matters. Yours doesn’t.

If you’re going to embrace self-pity, you might as well embrace misery.

It’s a funny thing. Some people simply seem to enjoy feeling bad for themselves. Respectfully, if that’s true of you, I have a simple question: How has self-pity helped you improve your life?

I get it. I do. This is one of those therapeutic blogs I need to write to myself from time to time.

Part of my self-pity grows from a Christian worldview. Huh?

In full disclosure … when I’m in a funk, and struggling with post-concussion syndrome, a migraine, or just low, self-pity rears its ugly head. It’s like getting thrown into a well, looking up at that little circle of daylight, and wondering how I’m going to get out.

Self-pity can make you feel like a failure at everything. Not good.

So, as a Christian, there shouldn’t be any room for self-pity. Problem is, it’s my faith (or lack of it) that moves me in that direction.

What an awful irony. The more intimate I become with God, the more aware I am of just how sinful I am. I realize that I am selfish, self-centered, and just what a lowlife I can be.

I struggle around my peers who seem to be sailing along in their Christian walk. That pity I have is because I haven’t reached that glorious place of a bulletproof Christian life. My head knows that everyone struggles; my heart says I shouldn’t be struggling like I am.

I’d love to feel like I’m awesome. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way. That’s shallow, but I’d love to have folks believe I’ve got it together 24/7/365. I am aware that folks aren’t that easily suckered, but, hey, you gotta have aspirations, right?

It might be that, like me (God forbid), this self-pity thing is camped out on your back porch, ready to pounce when you leave the house. You may be feeling pretty awful about your sin and haven’t been as repententant as you should be. You want to be better for God, but it all comes back to you and how you’re feeling. There’s something out there that can move you out of self-pity, but it’s elusive, and just out of reach.

What’s a believer to do about self-pity?

As always, the Bible speaks. Check out this ancient script – it’s 2 Corinthians 10:3-6:

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ⁶ And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

Paul wants us to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. In the context of self-pity, that means that any self-pitying thoughts are of us and not of Him. He doesn’t see us as low-life bottom feeders. He thinks we’re pretty wonderful. The key is to see ourselves as He sees us, right?

Here’s good stuff, from 1 Corinthians 1:26-31:

²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

This is some powerful ju-ju here. What’s crazy about it is that God encourages low self-esteem.

Look at that. We are not wise, not influential, not nobly born, we are weak, we are despised. That might be what we want to beat ourselves up about – those are traits of a loser, right? – but God turns that idea on its head.

The kicker is that God doesn’t want us to have a higher self-esteem, but instead a higher God-esteem. The focus is on Him, not us. You aren’t amazing, He is. You aren’t flawless; He is. You’re weak. He is strong.

We tend to obsess about ourselves, which is normal, because we spend a lot of time with ourselves. The thought is to put that self-pity aside because it simply doesn’t accomplish anything. That comes from a shift in focus – less of me, more of Him.

I love this. When it comes to self pity, the truth is that we can and should be mindful of our salvation every day. Every time you blow it, every time you don’t measure up to your self-imposed standards, God comes alongside us and says, “C’mon, pal. Once more, you need to be reminded that it’s not about you. I am present and active in your life. I’m not buying this self-pity stuff. You don’t have to feel that way, because I’ve given you all of grace. I saved you. You didn’t do anything to earn it, and you sure don’t deserve it. I’ve done this because I love you. Why self-pity? I’m all you need.”

Maybe you are the worst of sinners. But quit whining. You may not be all that in and of yourself, but you can celebrate God, Who came to you, undeserving sinner that you are, and adopted you into His family.

You don’t have to drown in self-pity and think only of yourself. God thinks about you all the time.

Talk later!

“I hate myself some days.”

Or, perhaps, most days.

Consider these lovely activities:

• You constantly remind yourself of your perceived shortcomings.
• You think about what you should have said instead of what you did say.
• You replay the mistakes you’ve made, even those from years ago.
• You look in the mirror and think, “Who is this loser staring back at me?”
• You believe the negative things people have said to you.
• You yearn for “do-overs” when there aren’t any.
• You realize “I can’t take it back.”

I could go on. You probably don’t want me to.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a place that I actually hated myself. But there have been plenty of times I’ve hated what I did/thought/believed. Problem is, for many, it’s virtually impossible to separate what you do from yourself.

Are you defined by your actions? Perhaps.

If you think in terms of how the world perceives you, then, yeah. People’s perceptions of you are based on what they see, not what you think.

What facade you offer the world can be quite different than what’s going on inside. If you’re skilled at mask-wearing, then you can put on that proverbial happy face. People may never know the difference.

“I hate myself some days.” How would you like to reduce some to very few or no?

This is a radical change, and I don’t think there’s a quick fix.

Let’s begin with some basics. And this primarily for Believers, but there are some universal principles in play here.

• God protects you. Think of it as a hedge or wall. This doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen to you or those you care about. (This is why so many people choke on the teachings of Christianity. It’s that “how can a loving God allow a child to die of leukemia?” We can take that discussion up later.) Fact is – there are a lot of terrible things that never happened because you were protected.
• God protects you from contempt and disapproval. Before you bristle up at me – “Hey, Tony, do you know the awful things people have said about me or to me?” – stick with me. It’s true, some people may view you as worthless at best and despicable at worst. They may say that to your face. They may certainly say that to others. When I say “God protects you,” I mean that He supernaturally equips you to bear up under the slings and arrows of hurtful words. You can’t do anything about what other people say. You can do plenty about your response to it. Remember – hurt people hurt people. Pity those who would devalue you. They are in quiet agony themselves.
• Sometimes, God has to protect you from yourself. You may have critics, but none of them are as severe as you. People may criticize you for what you do or say. You criticize  yourself for who you are – or who you perceive yourself to be.

It’s that contempt and disapproval of ourselves that can bring on that “I hate myself most days” mindset.

Here’s a case study.

Simon Peter was one of Jesus’ disciples.  He was part of that inner circle that included Peter, James, and John. For whatever reason, Jesus invested just a bit more in those three than He did the group as a whole. Don’t accuse Jesus of “having favorites.” He knew what He was doing.

Peter is a piece of work. He was a man of extremes – all or nothing. He tended to engage his mouth long before his brain engaged. I’m guessing the other disciples got really, really annoyed at him. Maybe even jealous – I could make a case that he and Jesus were best buds.

Still – there’s this:

• He spoke disparagingly of the other disciples: “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.” Peter is saying, these other guys are wimps. I’m sticking with you no matter what.
  
• “Lord,” said Peter, “why can’t I follow You now? I will lay down my life for You.” Hey, Peter – talk is cheap.
• “Lord,” said Peter, “I am ready to go with You even to prison and to death.” Riiiight.

Those are some big words from this fisherman. Then this classic, horrific incident:

• “Truly I tell you,” Jesus declared, “this very night before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” Yep. That’s what Jesus told Peter after Peter mouthed off.
• So. Jesus is arrested. Peter tells the crowd in the courtyard of the high priest that he has no idea who Jesus is.
• Then Peter remembered the word that Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Okay then. Peter really messes up here. It’s the culmination of a lot of big talk. Peter discovered who he really was, not who he perceived himself to be.

Just sketching out the rest of the story – Peter repents. He receives forgiveness from Jesus Himself. And this same Peter – all mouth and bluster – is seen later in the book of Acts as being bold and fearless and a leader in the fledgling church.

“Okay,” you say, “that’s a great redemptive story. What does that have to do with me hating myself most days?”

I’d wager that after Peter denied Jesus in that courtyard, he was filled with self-loathing. He probably thought that he’d blown it, permanently.

Here’s the kicker, though. Jesus never stopped loving him.

Peter could have never done God’s work, could have never had the courage to live on, or the daring to live for Jesus without being wrapped in God’s tender love.

He didn’t need to be protected from the anger of God. God does indeed discipline, even punish, but in this case God made His redemption of Peter clear to him.

Peter didn’t need to be protected from the scorn of his enemies or the resentment of his friends. Both of these issues were likely realities for Peter, but after realizing he was forgiven, he was bulletproof from scorn and resentment. He was right with God. Everything else was  secondary.

God had to protect Peter from himself.

This is the answer to self-loathing and disappointment in yourself. It’s a matter of recognizing your standing with God Himself, who is crazy in love with you. He proved that at the Cross, and He proves it now. He wants you to turn your back on “hating yourself.” He does want you to be accountable for your actions. He doesn’t give a pass on sin. But what He does do – and this is some real comfort – is give you the opportunity to see yourself as He sees you.

You have no reason to hate yourself. God doesn’t. That’s sufficient.