Being clingy.
You can have hope. Don’t forget that. But being clingy can hurt you.
In your search for hope and encouragement, being clingy can make others miserable.
Some people take a perverse delight in being annoying. That’s not what I’m talking about. Rather, I’m talking about those who desperately reach out to others, perhaps in good faith and with good intentions, and once they get the attention they want, they simply won’t let go.
Here’s an example. There are plenty more, but I’ll start here. You’ll readily understand what I’m talking about. (And if this all sounds too much like any program on the CW, hang on. I’ll give you something more substantive in a bit.) Here’s a being clingy case study.
I’ve worked with teenage students for a lot of years. Kids spend those teenage years swimming in a sea of hormones. Their parents know it (we were all kids once, right?), their peers know it, and they know it.
The result? Romantic urges. A crazy, tsunami of desire to want to have a significant other. (Okay, this isn’t restricted to teenagers. But let me exploit my own example here.)
One scenario: A boy and girl start “talking.” Perhaps they were already friends. Then the talk escalates, each one probes the other trying to determine how they really feel, and they take the next step,
Lo and behold, they are now going together. The clouds part, the sun beams down, angels sing in chorus, and love reaches full bloom.
Then one of them messes a good thing up. That’s being clingy.
This is not the sole fault of one gender over the other. Clinginess is an equal-opportunity virus. What happens, typically, is that one party becomes obsessed over the other to the extent that the obsessed clinger won’t let the clingee have a life of their own. They want to know what they’re doing, who they’re with, and why are they thinking and acting the way they are.
Putting it succinctly, I’ll quote one line I heard from a 16-year-old girl to her soon-to-be-former boyfriend:
“You act like you own me.”
Know what I mean? Being clingy? But it can be an even more subtle unhealthy attachment. It might just be a tendency on the part of the clinger to want to spend every waking moment with the object of their affection. Love can be like that, but it can get, well, icky.
It is thoroughly unpleasant to be involved with someone that won’t give you the breathing space you need. This teen scenario is pretty obvious.
However – being clingy can manifest itself in other ways:
- A husband doesn’t want his wife to have a life that doesn’t involve him.
- A mom needs to know every aspect of her daughter’s life to the extent it becomes oppressive (can you say “helicopter?”)
- An employee consistently and obnoxiously kisses up to his boss for special favor.
- A student goes to great lengths to be the “teacher’s pet.”
- Someone plays the martyr card if they don’t feel like they’re appreciated.
- Someone depends on another for their sense of self-worth.
- Someone gets their identify from how others treat them or talk about them. So they act like chameleons, trying to be what they think others want them to be.
For me personally, I detest the thought that I might come across as emotionally needy. I don’t want to come across as some sort of invalid. Aggghhh.
My temperament lends itself to that, frankly. I don’t want to be the center of attention, but I still want to feel like I’m needed. That can manifest itself in my lifelong quest to fix everything and anyone, whether they want fixing or not. I have been horrifically guilty of trying too hard. Being “all in” isn’t always a virtue.
What I’m learning in these sunset years is that there is nothing more pitiful than wanting something for someone worse than they want it for themselves. Listen to your Uncle Tony on this one: Don’t do that. That’s being clingy. Save yourself a boatload of grief. Don’t try to be the assistant to the Holy Spirit. Last time I checked, He’s the only one that can bring about eternal life change.
But I digress. I’ve said all that before.
There’s an element of codependency in being clingy. The clinger might be well-meaning, thinking he or she is being helpful and affirming, when in reality they are simply being annoying at best and repulsive at worse. It’s not a way to win friends and influence people.
So if you have had to deal with a clinger, you know how unpleasant and cloying that can be. You look for ways to put as much distance between you and them as you can. If you’re gracious and compassionate, you struggle to love them and shut them down at the same time. Sometimes you just have to put your mercy on hold and say, “You are just gonna need to stand down.” If they have a molecule of self-awareness and desire to do the right thing, they’ll understand, and maybe even do what you’ve asked. All will be well because both parties have learned and grown and the relationship is sweeter than ever.
There’s that. But. What if you’re the one who is being clingy? What if you’ve abandoned all decency and common sense and figuratively (if not literally!) say “What’s wrong? Don’t you love me? Don’t you appreciate me?”
I hope I’ve never been there. Maybe I have. Shame on me.
Maybe you have yourself. Maybe you knew what you were doing but felt powerless in the grip of some emotion.
I’ve wondered what puts us in that state. Here’s what I’ve decided:
We often demand of people what only God can give us.
We want encouragement, affirmation, strength, motivation, and many other like things. God can provide every one of them. Every one.
But when we look to others as our primary source of these things, we can wring them dry. That’s being clingy.
It’s okay to expect some things from people as long as you know they are human beings who thirst like you do. But they need an Infinite Well as much as you do.
Those close to you really want to help you and come alongside you. They’ll listen to you, pray for you, and do what they can to make things better. The problem – and it’s a big one – comes when your dependency on them to meet those needs I mentioned above (and others) overrides your dependence on God. You try to pull from a secondary finite source, and regrettably it’s often someone you care for greatly.
If they’re honest, there may come a time when they have to say, “I got nuthin’.”
What a bad state. You realize you’ve asked them for something they aren’t able to give. You’ve become a clinger.
Others have let you down before. I’ve certainly been let down. But I can’t help but consider today how much of my being let down was because of me. It’s not necessarily because I deserved it. It might, however, be because I didn’t know how or when to turn to God completely rather than thinking someone could be a substitute for Him.
I know and believe that God uses other people in our lives. God’s so cool – so, so many times He has sent along just the right person at just the right time with just the right words to bring about sweet little relational miracles. I cherish that. People are gifts!
It’s when we look toward the gift instead of the Giver for our primary comfort and care that we mess up royally.
The key, methinks, is to learn to recognize when you are trying too hard, being clingy, reaching out compulsively, and depending on a fellow struggler instead of the true Source of comfort. Love your people. Cherish those who will speak truth to you. But don’t let anyone become a substitute for the transforming Jesus dwelling inside you. It’s impossible to cling to Him too desperately.
