Forgiving God may seem like an unusual concept in Christian theology. After all, isn’t God, who is perfect and sinless, the one who forgives us? However, when we feel anger, pain, or disappointment due to perceived unfairness in life, the process of ‘forgiving’ God can help us release negative emotions and realign our hearts with Him.

This blog grew out of a conversation I had just last night. I heard about a young lady who lost her mother, went through multiple pregnancies and abortions, substance abuse, the whole nine yards. Her attitude toward God was “why?” She blamed God for her mother’s death, and by inference blamed Him from everything else that was wrong. (She’s healed and whole now, so there is a very happy ending.)

Understandably, life often presents us with circumstances that appear unjust or unexplainable. In such instances, you might find yourself angry with God. Key point – it’s crucial to remember that God doesn’t need our forgiveness in the literal sense because He never sins or makes mistakes. Instead, when we talk about forgiving God, it’s about acknowledging our feelings of anger or betrayal, processing these emotions, and then releasing them, allowing ourselves to trust in God’s goodness and sovereignty once again.

When our expectations collide with reality, disappointment is a natural reaction. Often, this disappointment is directed towards people around us – loved ones, colleagues, or friends. But, at times, we might even feel disappointed with God, the omnipotent figure who, in our understanding, holds our lives in His hands. If you’re wrestling with these feelings, you’re not alone. Disappointment with God is a shared human experience and requires a compassionate, introspective, and grace-filled response.

It’s about adjusting our perspective, understanding that God’s wisdom transcends our human comprehension. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” God operates on a divine timeline and with an eternal perspective that we, as finite beings, can’t fully grasp.

So. How do we unpack all this? It’s heavy stuff, but I think there are some answers.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel disappointed.

Christianity is not a faith of stoicism or indifference. Throughout the Bible, we encounter many instances of God’s people wrestling with feelings of disappointment, doubt, and despair. Job questioned God in his suffering, and David cried out in Psalms: “Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1). Even Jesus on the cross cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46).

Feelings of disappointment with God are not indicators of weak faith; rather, they are evidence of an engaged, authentic relationship with God. Like any relationship, our bond with God involves emotional peaks and valleys. The key is to remember that it’s not about eliminating our feelings but understanding them.

Secondly, it’s crucial to bring your feelings to God.

God is a loving Father who cares deeply about your experiences, including your disappointments. Talk to Him, express your feelings, ask hard questions, just as David and Job did. It may seem counterintuitive, but sharing your disappointment with God is an act of trust. It means you believe He cares for you and understands your pain.

Next, let’s lean into His Word.

The Bible offers a vast array of perspectives on dealing with disappointment. There is the ever helpful Romans 8:28. Paul writes: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This verse is not a dismissal of our disappointment but a reminder that God’s perspective is eternal. Our present disappointments may be part of a larger plan we can’t yet perceive.

It’s also necessary to adjust our expectations.

God is not a genie to grant our every wish but a wise Father who knows what’s best for us. Some folks choke on this. Often, our disappointments stem from unmet expectations, which can sometimes be misguided. Another classic, Proverbs 3:5-6 advises, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Letting go of our need to control outcomes can alleviate disappointment.

Finally, don’t hesitate to seek support from your Christian community.

Share your feelings with a trusted friend, pastor, or mentor. These individuals can provide you with perspective, comfort, and wisdom.

Remember, God’s love is steadfast, His plans are good, and His mercy is new every morning. Feeling disappointed with God doesn’t mean He has failed you. Instead, it’s an invitation to deepen your relationship with Him, to explore your faith more deeply, and to seek His comforting presence in your disappointment.

When we ‘forgive’ God, we’re not pardoning Him for a wrong He’s done. Instead, we’re acknowledging that our understanding is limited, and we’re choosing to trust Him. We are surrendering our perceived right to question His wisdom and fairness. In doing this, we open ourselves to His healing touch and restore our faith in His infinite wisdom and boundless love.

This journey of ‘forgiveness’ is not always easy and might require patience, prayer, and spiritual guidance. In these moments, remember Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

So, take heart. Your disappointment doesn’t disqualify you from God’s love; it draws you closer to His heart. Remember to engage honestly with your feelings, communicate openly with God, immerse yourself in His Word, align your expectations with His wisdom, and lean on your Christian community. In this journey, you will discover that even in disappointment, there’s a gift – the gift of God’s grace.

So, when we find ourselves wrestling with the concept of forgiving God, it’s not about finding fault in Him but about realigning our hearts with His. It’s a step towards healing, acceptance, and a deeper understanding of His unending grace.

Today, you are about to embark on a deep and profound journey. It’s about a place most of us have been to – some of us more than once. It’s a messy place, filled with confusion, hurt, anger, regret, but also hope and growth. It’s the rocky terrain of broken relationships. This journey is not just about the heartache, but also about the redemption that comes after – forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. And from our Christian faith, we know that with God, all things are possible.

Broken relationships are an unfortunate but real part of life. They can leave you feeling lost, shattered, and questioning your own self-worth. As we navigate through these feelings, it’s essential to remember that hope is never entirely lost, even in the darkest times. It’s never too late to start the process of healing and restoration. That’s where your journey begins.

And … we’re off. This is good stuff. It will help you. 

The Reality of Brokenness and The Hope in Christ

Relationships, like anything in this world, can fracture due to a variety of reasons – misunderstandings, betrayals, unmet expectations, or simply drifting apart. In these moments of heartache, it’s crucial to remember the message of Romans 8:28: 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

No matter how grim or hopeless a situation may seem, God’s love and grace are always at work. Even in the valleys of despair, He is molding you, teaching you, and preparing you for better days.

Each situation is unique, but a common theme is the lack of communication and understanding. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? The conversations that never happened, the words left unsaid, the feelings left unexpressed – they all contribute to the breaking point.

Bummer.

The Path to Forgiveness

It’s time to pick up that first piece – Forgiveness. Now, this is a big one. I can almost hear you saying “Easier said than done!” And you’re right. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or condoning the hurt caused. It’s about freeing yourself from the hold that the past has on you. It’s about choosing to not let past hurts dictate your present or future. It’s not an event, it’s a process. But let’s remember, as followers of Christ, forgiveness is not optional; it’s a calling. Matthew 18:21-22 says, 

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

Forgiveness does not erase the pain or condone the wrong, but it does break the chains of bitterness and resentment. It frees us from the prison of past hurts and allows you to move forward.

Read that last paragraph again. 

Reconciliation: The Bridge to Restored Relationships

Reconciliation is not always possible or even the best route in every situation. I’m mindful of what was once a great relationship I had with someone which just doesn’t seem to be salvageable. Man, that hurts.  But when it is possible, it’s like the bridge connecting two lands that were torn apart.

Remember, reconciliation isn’t about sweeping things under the rug. It’s about bringing issues to the surface, addressing them, and resolving them together. It’s about rebuilding trust, mending communication, and renewing the connection. It’s about acknowledging the past without being anchored to it. It’s a brave choice that requires a lot of courage, understanding, and patience.

Reconciliation, when possible and appropriate, is a beautiful testament to God’s transformative power in our relationships. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 teaches us, 

“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.”

Reconciliation isn’t about ignoring past hurts, but rather, it’s about confronting them with grace, love, and humility. It requires honest communication, genuine repentance, and the rebuilding of trust.

Healing: Growth from the Ashes

Finally, we come to healing – the green shoots of hope sprouting from the ashes of a broken relationship. Healing, like forgiveness, is a process, not a destination. It’s the new dawn following the darkest of nights

Psalms 147:3 tells us, 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” 

Healing may mean moving forward from a relationship that was beyond repair, or it may mean building a stronger, more understanding bond out of the fragments of a broken relationship. Either way, healing involves self-love, acceptance, and growth.

A key part of healing is recognizing the growth that comes from pain. Remember, you’re not the same person who started this journey. You’ve grown, you’ve learned, and you’ve become stronger.

James 1:2-4 encourages us,

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

The Promise of Hope

Relationships can break, and it can be devastating. But within that devastation lies the seed of hope. Hope for forgiveness, for reconciliation, and for healing. It’s not an easy journey, but it is one worth taking. It’s a journey of self-discovery, growth, and ultimately, of love.

In your journey, remember, you are not alone. You are surrounded by a community that supports you and walks with you, and above all, you are cherished by a God who turns your trials into triumphs.

So, pilgrim, even in the midst of the storm of a broken relationship, remember, there is always hope. You can find the strength to move forward. This process, albeit challenging, brings you closer to God, allows you to grow in His grace, and reminds you of the unfailing love and mercy of our Creator.

Stay blessed, and keep hope alive!

In today’s world, we are surrounded by outrage.

Social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook have made it easier than ever for people to express their opinions and emotions in real-time. The problem is that this culture of outrage can quickly become toxic, leading to divisiveness, negativity, and hate.

As Christians, we are called to love our neighbors as ourselves and seek peace in all circumstances. However, in today’s society, outrage seems to be the norm. Whether it’s social media or news outlets, individuals are quick to respond with anger and indignation over even the smallest of issues. This culture of outrage can ultimately divide us as a society, but as Christians, we can take steps to move past it and find harmony.

The first step in moving past this culture of outrage is to understand what it is and why it’s harmful. Outrage is a feeling of anger or indignation caused by an injustice or wrongdoing. It’s a natural response to something that we feel is unfair or unjust. However, when it becomes a way of life, it can be damaging to our mental health and relationships.

The problem with our culture of outrage is that it’s fueled by social media, where we see people sharing their opinions and outrage over every issue that arises. It’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy and start feeling outraged ourselves, even if we don’t fully understand the issue at hand. This leads to a lot of negativity, divisiveness, and even hate.

So, how can we move past this culture of outrage and find harmony? Here are a few ideas to consider:

1 – Focus on Empathy and Compassion

One of the best ways to move past outrage is to focus on empathy and compassion. When we see something that outrages us, it’s important to take a step back and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Maybe they have a different experience or perspective that we haven’t considered. Maybe they are struggling with something that we don’t know about.

By focusing on empathy and compassion, we can start to bridge the divide and find ways to work together towards a common goal. We can have productive conversations, listen to each other, and find solutions that benefit everyone. That’s actually what Jesus taught – respond in love. Truth with compassion!

2 – Practice Self-Care

Another way to move past our culture of outrage is to practice self-care. We can limit our exposure to news and social media, and focus on the positive things in our lives. We can surround ourselves with people who lift us up and support us, and find ways to take care of ourselves both physically and mentally.

3 – Find Common Ground

It’s important to remember that we are all human beings with different experiences and perspectives. We don’t have to agree on everything, but we can still respect each other’s opinions and find common ground. By finding common ground, we can start to build bridges and find ways to work together towards a common goal. 

Engaging in constructive dialogue is essential to finding common ground and moving beyond outrage. It’s important to approach conversations with an open mind and a willingness to listen. That’s just as Jesus listened to and engaged with people from all walks of life. By sharing ideas and opinions, we can come to a deeper understanding of each other, and even find solutions that benefit everyone.

4 – Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is essential to moving beyond outrage and finding harmony. Jesus taught us to forgive others, even when it’s difficult. We can forgive those who have wronged us, and ask for forgiveness from those we have wronged. By doing so, we can break down walls of anger and bitterness, and create an environment of grace and mercy.

5 – Focus on positive change

We are called to focus on positive change. Instead of getting caught up in outrage, we can take action to make a difference. We can pray for our leaders, volunteer at our churches and in our communities, and spread the love of Christ through acts of kindness and service. By focusing on positive change, we can shift our attention away from the negative and towards the positive, creating a more harmonious environment for ourselves and those around us.

6 – Take action

Finally, we can move past our culture of outrage by taking action. Instead of just expressing our outrage on social media, we can get involved in our communities and make a difference. We can volunteer, donate, and support causes that we believe in. By taking action, we can make a positive impact on the world around us.

As Christians, we are called to respond to outrage with love, compassion, forgiveness, and a focus on positive change. We can foster understanding and engage in constructive dialogue, even with those who we might disagree with. By doing so, we can create an environment of peace and harmony, where individuals are encouraged to listen, share, and ultimately find common ground. Let’s work towards a world where outrage is replaced by love, compassion, forgiveness, and service, and where the love of Christ is at the center of all we do.

Your future needs you. Your past doesn’t.

The great philosopher and theologian, Meat Loaf, sang:

But it was long ago and it was far away

Oh God it seems so very far

And if life is just a highway – then the soul is just a car

And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.*

 There is no question we can be haunted by memories. Unless there is some compelling reason otherwise, we can conjure up images from yesterday, both good and bad, things in our past.

It has a lot to do with regrets. Things we should have done, things we did, things that still occupy our thoughts. Things we’d like to take back but can’t.

Sometimes those memories crowd in on our waking lives to the extent that they influence our here and now. We say “I’m sorry,” and mean it, but it doesn’t undo the past. Consequently, we look ahead with fear, afraid we’re gonna mess up again. We’re afraid of repeating past mistakes. We don’t want to submit ourselves to guilt and shame.

That guilt/fear/shame mindset is a killer. And while we consciously know we should move on and look toward brighter days, we find ourselves mired in deep taffy.

What’s the solution? Are we to be held hostage to what once was?

Absolutely not. There is always hope.

What Marvin Lee Aday (see? You just learned Meat Loaf’s real name) captured is a haunting sense of loss. But if you pick apart the lyrics just a bit, there is a comforting truth to be found:

“…and objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.”

That convex mirror on a car is designed to give a wider field of view, to keep other cars from getting lost in that “blind spot.” While an approaching car may seem close, in reality there is more distance that might appear.

I don’t want to torture this analogy, but the past is a lot further behind you than you might imagine. It just seems close. Here’s the fact: Even if something occurred five seconds ago, it’s as much of your past as if it had happened ten years ago. The past is just that: the past. And, as such, it’s now in your rear view mirror. It’s over and done.

I do need to make a little distinction. There are indeed consequences of your past actions. You rob a bank and get caught, your future is going to be different than if you’d not robbed that bank. So, granted, in that sense your past can influence your future.

What I’m talking about is your mind, how your past gets in your headspace and stays there rent-free. That’s where we struggle. And that is what you need to deal with.

Say this out loud (probably best if no one is around): “I can’t take it back.” Whatever your “it” is, you can’t make it go away. It’s a point and an event in time. Heck, it can even be a thought, that decision you made that changed your way of thinking, perhaps not for the best.

Here’s what might make all the difference in your future:

• Whatever happened, whatever was said, glean what lessons you can from it. Don’t waste it.
• Consider this – you are able to empathize with others going through the same ordeal in a way you could not have had you not faced it yourself. Is there a way you can positively use your regret and channel it into something redemptive?
• You absolutely have the power to choose your responses to, well, everything. You better listen to Uncle Tony – there’s a mindset in the world today that you’d better shuck. You aren’t entitled to anything. Having things go your way is not a birthright. You are going to make stupid choices, and you are going to fail miserably. You are going to fail. Here’s a secret for the ages: you can totally determine what to do next. You aren’t a random clump of cellular matter, preprogrammed to act and respond in an unchangeable way. You aren’t trapped. You have a free mind.
• That free mind thing? There are some staggering implications for you. The most significant one is that from right now, right this moment, right this nanosecond, you can make choices that will impact your future for the better. You aren’t trapped. If you feel imprisoned by the past, it’s a prison of your own making.
• The scope of this particular blog entry doesn’t allow for a discussion of how to exercise wisdom, or of how to go forward in making wise choices. You are going to fail and make bad choices still, but you can certainly cut your losses. Life is hard enough without us bringing undue grief on ourselves by choosing poorly. We’ll take that up later, perhaps.

The reason you’re alive and able to read this is that you have yet to accomplish what you were put here to do. There’s your hope. Your call is to make a difference in someone else’s life, and you do that by understanding you can make a difference in your own life in spite of what has been. Living in the past doesn’t serve anyone. Living for the future serves all.

Ancient script states, “… one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b – 14).

Goals. Prizes. All available to us. Sounds good to me.

*Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are lyrics © CARLIN AMERICA INC

Love all, serve all, be mistreated. My goodness. There’s all sorts of irony in the title of this blog.

When I cobble these posts together, I purposefully try to be as broad as I can for people all along the faith spectrum. Most of the time, I’m writing what I want to hear for myself. I just kind of let you sit in.

Today, though, I am more in the camp of believers, Christians.

If you are a Christian, how well do you love? Do you love all? And what if you’re mistreated?

You know I’m not talking about love in the sense of romantic love, or even love among friends and family. I’m not even talking about self-love, which is a big deal.

Nope – I’m talking about supernatural, God-ordained love.

That kind of love operates separate from feelings. It’s a love that is actually an act of the will. It’s a love that can’t be self-generated. It has to come from another source outside ourselves.

Because, y’know, in and of ourselves I simply don’t think we have the capacity for that kind of love, even though we’re to love all. 

Here’s my autobiographical note: This actually comes easy for me. It’s a capacity for love that God just has seen fit to give me, and I’m grateful for that. I can say without hesitation that, to the best of my knowledge and heart, I love everyone.

Which is NOT to say that I care to keep company with everyone. There are some people I’d just as soon see going as coming.

And, of course, there have been people who’ve hurt me. Maybe I’ve been mistreated.

What’s your response to that? Unless you’re a hermit (and some days that seems appealing – like my friend Becky Brown noted, “I could easily be a hermit, but God won’t let me”), you have had someone – or maybe multiple someone’s – wound your soul.

You’re gonna have to look hard to find benefit in that, right?

The benefit comes in how you respond to being mistreated.

Talk about self-revelatory! Hurt can teach you an awful lot about yourself.

So. Are you a grudge holder? Do you erupt in Jovian anger? Do you retreat just to sulk and brood? How about plotting revenge? Is that you?

Well, how about this in response to hurt: be kind. Love all.

Stay with me here, because I’m not being patronizing.

I will tell you that the world may not look favorably on you if your response to being mistreated is to be kind. That’s not the way things work, right?

Some of the kindest Christians I know have lived in a world that wasn’t so kind to them.

That is so intriguing. Not only does it fly in the face of conventional wisdom, it doesn’t even really make sense. That is not a typical response.

Yet there are those who have been through so much at the hands of others, and they love deeply. They still care.

Are there steps one can take to reach that state? Can you really love all? Even if others mistreated you?

I’m not sure. You don’t find it in our sinful, carnal nature. It has to come from a different place. I dunno. Some people relish unforgiveness. I’ve never known of a time when forgiveness was anything other than a virtue.

In giving this a lot of thought over the years – the reason why people choose not to forgive – I have come up with a handful of “why’s,” possible reasons why people cling to this unique misery of unforgiveness.

• They don’t understand mercy. Mercy is one of the most divine of all traits. We are simply thunderstruck by Jesus’ words from the Cross – “Father, forgive them, because they don’t know what they’re doing.” That’s mercy, right there, all encapsulated in a magnificent example of forgiveness.
• They prefer a hard heart to a tender one. Perhaps being tender hearted is viewed as weakness. I’d suggest that it’s a whole lot more courageous to be tenderhearted than it is to take a hard line.
• We are fallen people who live in a fallen world. It’s hard to to be kind when the whole of civilization seems to want us to be harsh and inappropriately aggressive. I see so much hatefulness everywhere I turn. This is not, nor will ever be, a “political” blog, but given the current state of things … I mean. Mama said “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Looking back, that might be a lot more wise (or certainly more kind) than I used to believe. What a toxic world! And don’t come at me with a statement like, “Jesus was controversial. Jesus was harsh. Jesus turned over tables and ran people out of the table.” C’mon, now. Really? Of course He did. But when your (or my) motivations are the same as Jesus’, we can use His tactics. Otherwise, it’s best that we stand down. This culture of outrage we have embraced doesn’t seem to help – all it does is make folks on the same side of an issue feel good (or empowered) about themselves. I don’t see many converts coming from rage.
• It’s simply easier to hold a grudge. It takes no effort. It feels good for a season. It makes you feel mighty and self-righteous. It feeds into that nature that says, “I’ll show you. I’m gonna hurt you back. And when I hurt you back, that’s gonna make me feel really, really good.”

“I can’t forgive,” you say. “I can’t be kind to him/her/them. They mistreated me.”

Here’s my bottom line for the day:

Sometimes, it’s the Christians who have been mistreated the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they themselves have felt.

If that’s not something to be in awe of, I don’t know what it is. Love all.

Talk later.

How can you know that you’ve truly forgiven someone? To truly forgive someone means that, in the words of the great theologian Elsa, you’ve let it go.

I know, right? Not so easy.

We can forgive in the Christian sense – I mean, we forgive because Christ first forgave us (more on that later) – but there still may be that nagging sense of not being able to walk away. We nurse grudges. Maybe we avoid the other person.

I’m blessed in that I’m not one who tends to hold a grudge. But, I do remember wrongs done me.

It’s not that I’m hypersensitive. (Maybe I am.) While my memory isn’t what it was – and it never was all that great in the first place – things that happened literally decades ago are still present.

Seeing that in writing is kinda sick. I should be better than that.

So if I want or need to know that I’ve truly forgiven someone, there should be some realities of forgiveness.

Here’s my four.

First, though, a word from ancient script. It’s Colossians 3:13 – I love Colossians.

¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Pretty basic. Keep reading; I’ve been convicted.

1. Forgiveness means that you’ve surrendered your right to get even. Okay, then. Revenge is a natural response to being wronged, isn’t it? In the Christian realm, we know that the blood of Jesus has covered all our sins. In order to receive that forgiveness, we have to do some up close and personal business with God Himself. We pray, and we receive Jesus for salvation. It doesn’t happen by osmosis. We have to acknowledge our wrongdoing. We don’t have to ask for forgiveness from God over and over again – when we receive Christ, we’re forgiven of past, present, and future sins. There’s no need to keep a scorecard. It’s a done deal. Of course we always need to acknowledge our sins. However …when you forgive someone else, that means that you’ve also placed the outcome of the matter in God’s hands. You let go. He has it. That might make you feel like it’s unfair – the scales of justice are unbalanced – but it’s not your concern. God will deal with you and the other person as He sees fit. That’s liberating.
2. Forgiveness takes time. Remember what I said about being aware that I can remember wrongs done decades ago? That should be sufficient time to get over anything. This is perhaps one of the differences between divine forgiveness and human forgiveness. God forgives with just a word, and that’s it. Finished. We, on the other hand, sometimes have to go through a gradual purge to rid ourselves of any lasting memories. Those wrongs from a long time ago still be in my memory, but they don’t sting like they once did. There is an element of choosing to move on that factors in here, too, but I don’t have a sweet personal testimony about that. Choosing is hard work. “Let go and let God,” they say, and while that looks good on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, it’s a principle I struggle with. Sheesh. It just takes time, and I’ll leave that right there.
3. Forgiving doesn’t require forgetting. That may seem counter to what I’ve already shared, but I believe there’s some truth here. I’m haunted by Isaiah 43:25 –“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” That’s amazing … but just to put some nuance in this, remember that God didn’t forget that Peter denied Jesus. Really – on a human level it might be futile to try to forget, and we don’t need to get all weirdly guilty because we don’t. The more we try, the more we remember. Ack. There has to be some way to detoxify that bad memory and cleanse it from our souls. It may remain in our heads, but it doesn’t have to stay in our hearts. I think it’s legitimate to beg God to make that a reality in our lives. I sure can’t do it on my own.
4. Forgiving is expected. Painful truth, that. I simply can’t find a loophole. Here’s the thing: nothing enables us to forgive like knowing in our souls that we have been forgiven ourselves. This is so fundamental, so basic. You don’t have to look any further than the Lord’s Prayer, specifically at Matthew 6:12: And forgive us our debts,as we also have forgiven our debtors. That’s what Jesus taught. It’s wise to listen to Him and obey, feelings notwithstanding. 

It is unthinkable for a forgiven person to refuse to forgive someone else.

If the question is “How can I know if I’ve truly forgiven someone?”, those are four ideas to consider.

I’d love to hear your comments. I’ve provided space below.

Be well.

Unforgiveness is not an option. At least, it shouldn’t be.

Here’s why.

During this past week, the nation and world were witness to an amazing legal trial in Dallas. Here’s what www.Relevantmagazine.com shared (and the photo credit is theirs, too):

This week, former police officer Amber Guyger was sentenced to 10 years in prison for the murder of her neighbor Botham Jean. 

Jean was at home by himself when Guyger entered his apartment by mistake, and shot and killed him. He was just 26 years old. Yesterday, after the sentencing, Botham’s younger brother Brandt addressed the court, and delivered a powerful message to Guyger. 

Brandt then nervously asked the judge if he could give Guyger a hug.

The judge also gave Guyger a Bible – and my understanding is that it was the judge’s personal Bible. The folks from Freedom From Religion have just about gone into anaphylactic shock over that.

For Brandt, unforgiveness was not an option.

How about you?

And, my followup question:

Why wouldn’t you forgive? Unforgiveness is not an option.

I’m sure you have plenty of answers to that. It certainly is easy to harbor unforgiveness, even bitterness. Aren’t grudges fun anyway?

Isn’t it a pleasure to despise someone else?

Of course it is. We all enjoy locking eyes with someone who has wronged us or someone we care about and feel that delicious blossoming of malice. It’s fun to wish ill-will on someone else.

Or not.

C’mon, now. What purpose does unforgiveness serve? Who exactly do we want to hurt?

If someone has wronged you or otherwise hurt you, and you haven’t forgiven them, to what end does your unforgiveness lead you?

It won’t take you to a pleasant place. I guarantee it.

• For one, unforgiveness won’t take you back in time. It won’t undo what has been done. It’s called the “past” for a reason.
• Second, it won’t change the person that you won’t forgive. They are who they are. Besides, you can’t change anyone. That’s out of your hands.
• Third, it will change you. It simply makes you feel bad, at the very least. And if you don’t feel bad by being consumed with ill-will, well, I’m guessing you have other issues, too. Maybe your soul has become bitter and shriveled.

Why wouldn’t you forgive? It may be that you’re in a place of such pain that you can’t be anything but negative.

That’s bogus. Because you can always, always, always choose to forgive. Unforgiveness is not an option because you have a will that makes it possible.

It may be that we don’t forgive because we prefer personal misery instead.

Forgiveness is liberating. It brings life and freedom. It gives us authority over ourselves, and, in a sense, gives us authority over the person we didn’t want to forgive. And it shows that we may be a bigger person than they are. That’s not a license to show some sort of “I’m better than they are” attitude. It simply means that we aren’t going to let someone else’s actions devalue us. Forgiveness gives us value.

Then, for the believer, there’s this: Take a look at the Cross.

Did Jesus deserve that? Did He have any reason to die for us, ungrateful little people that we are? Scripture is clear that it was our sin that put Him up there, writhing in agony. Not only did He forgive those that physically put Him up there in real time, He forgave us. He made provision for anyone, anytime, anywhere to receive this supernatural forgiveness.

You’ve heard this thousands of times, but hear it again: We can forgive because He first forgave us. We are supernaturally empowered to forgive others because of Him. For Christ-followers, unforgiveness is not an option.

Paraphrasing R.C. Sproul:

Unforgiveness is having the desire in our hearts to do the will of the enemy of God.

Let this be fresh to you, because the implications are staggering.

You can face life with your head held high and your spirit soaring. And it’s because you can do what Jesus did.

P.S. I’d be honored if you’d check out the free course offered in the Transformational Encouragement Academy and leave some feedback. I want this to be the best resource ever. Check it out here.

“I hate myself some days.”

Or, perhaps, most days.

Consider these lovely activities:

• You constantly remind yourself of your perceived shortcomings.
• You think about what you should have said instead of what you did say.
• You replay the mistakes you’ve made, even those from years ago.
• You look in the mirror and think, “Who is this loser staring back at me?”
• You believe the negative things people have said to you.
• You yearn for “do-overs” when there aren’t any.
• You realize “I can’t take it back.”

I could go on. You probably don’t want me to.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a place that I actually hated myself. But there have been plenty of times I’ve hated what I did/thought/believed. Problem is, for many, it’s virtually impossible to separate what you do from yourself.

Are you defined by your actions? Perhaps.

If you think in terms of how the world perceives you, then, yeah. People’s perceptions of you are based on what they see, not what you think.

What facade you offer the world can be quite different than what’s going on inside. If you’re skilled at mask-wearing, then you can put on that proverbial happy face. People may never know the difference.

“I hate myself some days.” How would you like to reduce some to very few or no?

This is a radical change, and I don’t think there’s a quick fix.

Let’s begin with some basics. And this primarily for Believers, but there are some universal principles in play here.

• God protects you. Think of it as a hedge or wall. This doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen to you or those you care about. (This is why so many people choke on the teachings of Christianity. It’s that “how can a loving God allow a child to die of leukemia?” We can take that discussion up later.) Fact is – there are a lot of terrible things that never happened because you were protected.
• God protects you from contempt and disapproval. Before you bristle up at me – “Hey, Tony, do you know the awful things people have said about me or to me?” – stick with me. It’s true, some people may view you as worthless at best and despicable at worst. They may say that to your face. They may certainly say that to others. When I say “God protects you,” I mean that He supernaturally equips you to bear up under the slings and arrows of hurtful words. You can’t do anything about what other people say. You can do plenty about your response to it. Remember – hurt people hurt people. Pity those who would devalue you. They are in quiet agony themselves.
• Sometimes, God has to protect you from yourself. You may have critics, but none of them are as severe as you. People may criticize you for what you do or say. You criticize  yourself for who you are – or who you perceive yourself to be.

It’s that contempt and disapproval of ourselves that can bring on that “I hate myself most days” mindset.

Here’s a case study.

Simon Peter was one of Jesus’ disciples.  He was part of that inner circle that included Peter, James, and John. For whatever reason, Jesus invested just a bit more in those three than He did the group as a whole. Don’t accuse Jesus of “having favorites.” He knew what He was doing.

Peter is a piece of work. He was a man of extremes – all or nothing. He tended to engage his mouth long before his brain engaged. I’m guessing the other disciples got really, really annoyed at him. Maybe even jealous – I could make a case that he and Jesus were best buds.

Still – there’s this:

• He spoke disparagingly of the other disciples: “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.” Peter is saying, these other guys are wimps. I’m sticking with you no matter what.
  
• “Lord,” said Peter, “why can’t I follow You now? I will lay down my life for You.” Hey, Peter – talk is cheap.
• “Lord,” said Peter, “I am ready to go with You even to prison and to death.” Riiiight.

Those are some big words from this fisherman. Then this classic, horrific incident:

• “Truly I tell you,” Jesus declared, “this very night before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” Yep. That’s what Jesus told Peter after Peter mouthed off.
• So. Jesus is arrested. Peter tells the crowd in the courtyard of the high priest that he has no idea who Jesus is.
• Then Peter remembered the word that Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Okay then. Peter really messes up here. It’s the culmination of a lot of big talk. Peter discovered who he really was, not who he perceived himself to be.

Just sketching out the rest of the story – Peter repents. He receives forgiveness from Jesus Himself. And this same Peter – all mouth and bluster – is seen later in the book of Acts as being bold and fearless and a leader in the fledgling church.

“Okay,” you say, “that’s a great redemptive story. What does that have to do with me hating myself most days?”

I’d wager that after Peter denied Jesus in that courtyard, he was filled with self-loathing. He probably thought that he’d blown it, permanently.

Here’s the kicker, though. Jesus never stopped loving him.

Peter could have never done God’s work, could have never had the courage to live on, or the daring to live for Jesus without being wrapped in God’s tender love.

He didn’t need to be protected from the anger of God. God does indeed discipline, even punish, but in this case God made His redemption of Peter clear to him.

Peter didn’t need to be protected from the scorn of his enemies or the resentment of his friends. Both of these issues were likely realities for Peter, but after realizing he was forgiven, he was bulletproof from scorn and resentment. He was right with God. Everything else was  secondary.

God had to protect Peter from himself.

This is the answer to self-loathing and disappointment in yourself. It’s a matter of recognizing your standing with God Himself, who is crazy in love with you. He proved that at the Cross, and He proves it now. He wants you to turn your back on “hating yourself.” He does want you to be accountable for your actions. He doesn’t give a pass on sin. But what He does do – and this is some real comfort – is give you the opportunity to see yourself as He sees you.

You have no reason to hate yourself. God doesn’t. That’s sufficient.

My goodness. There’s all sorts of irony in the title of this blog.

When I cobble these posts together, I purposefully try to be as broad as I can for people all along the faith spectrum. Most of the time, I’m writing what I want to hear for myself. I just kind of let you sit in.

Today, though, I am more in the camp of believers, Christians.

If you are a Christian, how well do you love?

You know I’m not talking about love in the sense of romantic love, or even love among friends and family. I’m not even talking about self-love, which is a big deal.

Nope – I’m talking about supernatural, God-ordained love.

That kind of love operates separate from feelings. It’s a love that is actually an act of the will. It’s a love that can’t be self-generated. It has to come from another source outside ourselves.

Because, y’know, in and of ourselves I simply don’t think we have the capacity for that kind of love.

Here’s my autobiographical note: This actually comes easy for me. It’s a capacity for love that God just has seen fit to give me, and I’m grateful for that. I can say without hesitation that, to the best of my knowledge and heart, I love everyone.

Which is NOT to say that I care to keep company with everyone. There are some people I’d just as soon see going as coming.

And, of course, there have been people who’ve hurt me.

What’s your response to that? Unless you’re a hermit (and some days that seems appealing – like my friend Becky Brown noted, “I could easily be a hermit, but God won’t let me”), you have had someone – or maybe multiple someone’s – wound your soul.

You’re gonna have to look hard to find benefit in that, right?

The benefit comes in how you respond to being hurt. Talk about self-revelatory! Hurt can teach you an awful lot about yourself.

So. Are you a grudge holder? Do you erupt in Jovian anger? Do you retreat just to sulk and brood? How about plotting revenge? Is that you?

Well, how about this in response to hurt: be kind.

Stay with me here, because I’m not being patronizing.

I will tell you that the world may not look favorably on you if your response to hurt is to be kind. That’s not the way things work, right?

Some of the kindest Christians I know have lived in a world that wasn’t so kind to them.

That is so intriguing. Not only does it fly in the face of conventional wisdom, it doesn’t even really make sense. That is not a typical response.

Yet there are those who have been through so much at the hands of others, and they love deeply. They still care.

Are there steps one can take to reach that state?

I’m not sure. I do know that it isn’t something to be found in our sinful, carnal nature. It has to come from a different place. I dunno. Some people relish unforgiveness. I’ve never known of a time when forgiveness was anything other than a virtue.

In giving this a lot of thought over the years – the reason why people choose not to forgive – I have come up with a handful of “why’s,” possible reasons why people cling to this unique misery of unforgiveness.

• They don’t understand mercy. Mercy is one of the most divine of all traits. We are simply thunderstruck by Jesus’ words from the Cross – “Father, forgive them, because they don’t know what they’re doing.” That’s mercy, right there, all encapsulated in a magnificent example of forgiveness.
• They prefer a hard heart to a tender one. Perhaps being tender hearted is viewed as weakness. I’d suggest that it’s a whole lot more courageous to be tenderhearted than it is to take a hard line.
• We are fallen people living in a fallen world. It’s hard to to be kind when the whole of civilization seems to want us to be harsh and inappropriately aggressive. I see so much hatefulness everywhere I turn. This is not, nor will ever be, a “political” blog, but given the current state of things … I mean. Mama said “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Looking back, that might be a lot more wise (or certainly more kind) than I used to believe. What a toxic world! And don’t come at me with a statement like, “Jesus was controversial. Jesus was harsh. Jesus turned over tables and ran people out of the table.” C’mon, now. Really? Of course He did. But when your (or my) motivations are the same as Jesus’, we can use His tactics. Otherwise, it’s best that we stand down. This culture of outrage we have embraced doesn’t seem to help – all it does is make folks on the same side of an issue feel good (or empowered) about themselves. I don’t see many converts coming from rage.
• It’s simply easier to hold a grudge. It takes no effort. It feels good for a season. It makes you feel mighty and self-righteous. It feeds into that nature that says, “I’ll show you. I’m gonna hurt you back. And when I hurt you back, that’s gonna make me feel really, really good.”

“I can’t forgive,” you say. “I can’t be kind to him/her/them.”

Here’s my bottom line for the day:

Sometimes, it’s the Christians who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they themselves have felt.

If that’s not something to be in awe of, I don’t know what it is.