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I don’t have many friends.

I’m not sure how you might interpret that … do you feel sorry for me? Do you identify with me? Is this so alien a thought that you think I should get some professional help?

Don’t feel sorry for me. It’s not like I have no friends. I do have some. Just not many.

I don’t have many friends because I couldn’t handle too many. I believe I have a capacity for real love. I am always telling myself to “love appropriately.”

Part of my temperament (4w5, Enneagram fans) is that I’ve always been insular. If I let you into my life, and if you are my friend, then, for better or worse, I’m all in. What a blessing! What a curse! I scary love my friends. That means I have to set boundaries to keep from depleting my soul. That means, too, that God has to often intervene in my friendships, or else I’ll try to give of myself when I’m all spent. Not good. And, overthinker that I am, I do often wonder, “Tony. Dude. Are you handling this relationship as you should?” Because if I don’t guard myself, I’m just really sure I get on people’s nerves, and to be at fault of ruining a lovely relationship. Dang. That thought terrifies me. (See 1 and 2, below.)

So I’m gonna invest myself in just a few. I love everybody with no reservations, but there aren’t that many I can go the full distance with. I hope you understand that. I’m okay if you don’t.

I don’t necessarily think in terms of “what I’m looking for” in a friend, but I do have things that I value.

Let me share 10 traits I value in my friends.

I’d like for this to be interactive. I’d love for you to share yours with the rest of us in the comment section below.

These are in no particular order.

1. Availability. I’m thinking about that 3 a.m. friend, that if I were in a real crisis, I could call them and know they’d come without hesitation.
2. Space. The contrast here would be that I value friends who give me breathing room. I don’t want someone in my face, ever. Don’t hover around me. Knowing you’re there is plenty enough. (This is a skill I constantly work on, btw.)
3. Humor. Lord deliver me from folks who take themselves so stinkin’ seriously. I’m not talking about a good joke-teller here, although that’s okay. I value that. I mean someone who just simply finds stuff funny, even things other people don’t. My sense of humor leans toward absurdity, and I love satire. My friends need to roll with that. Some of my favorite people are those who are just funny, and they aren’t trying to be.
4. Depth. I can tolerate surface small talk for a while. I can even pull it off in a pinch. But sooner or later, I gotta have those deep, meaningful discussions. Maybe even self-relavatory. If I ask “How are you doing?”, I mean “How are you really doing?” I can go with the theology of creation, or why God made mosquitos, or the most embarrassed you’ve ever been. Wanna talk about the meaning of life? I’m in.
5. Loyalty. All of us have experienced the pain of being “ditched.” I’m too old to let that bother me like it would’ve when I was much younger. Still, it hurts to be betrayed. So loyalty? Yeah.
6. Forgiveness. I simply don’t want to be around folks who hold grudges, much less have them as friends. If you and I are to model Christlikeness, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to withhold forgiveness. We forgive because we were first forgiven. When you forgive, you’re exercising a superpower. I like that.
7. Integrity. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I value consistency as a friendship trait. A synonym could be “authenticity.” Just be real. I can spot a phony a mile away.
8. Encouragement. Prop me up from time to time, okay? I hope that doesn’t display some sort of neediness on my part. If you can sincerely say “Tony, it’s gonna be okay,” I’ll follow you to the jumping off place. You will have made my day. Maybe even my week. Okay, you’ve made my whole freakin’ life just a little better.
9. Tolerance. Follow me here. I’m not talking about tolerating wickedness or sin. Now, I can be pretty keen on “live and let live.” But that doesn’t mean that you or I either one should turn a blind eye to evil, even if that evil is sanctioned and culturally incorporated. I guess a better term would be “open-mindedness,”  seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Listening. Seeking first to understand before trying to be understood. I like to be around folks who’ll give others an honest hearing, even if they have no intention of being converted to an opposing viewpoint.
10. Faith. I love to see Jesus in my friends. I have friends who are nonbelievers, and that seems appropriate to me. Look who Christ hung out with. But for my besties, I need folks who are examples of “iron sharpening iron.” I know what kind of spiritual laziness I’m capable of. I’m not afraid of being accountable to Christian friends, even though sometimes in the flesh I want them to mind their own business. Faith in God? Yes, please.

I don’t have that many friends.

Don’t feel bad for me. Like I said, that is mostly by choice. It’s an introvert thing, and if you’re an innie like me, you know what I’m talking about.

That’s what I’m about. What are the traits you value in your friends? I’d love for you to share your thoughts below.

Be well.