“I’m sorry.” Do those words ever stick in your craw?

I was chatting with a friend a while back, and he told me that he’d never heard his father say “I’m sorry.” I’ve thought a lot about that since then, because I’ve learned that this isn’t an isolated incident.

In the case of my friend’s father, it looks like a generational thing. Perhaps there was a time in our history when saying “I’m sorry” undermined authority.

Those of you of a certain age might remember the book and movie, Love Story. The catchphrase from that was “love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Well, who the heck came up with that? I know that in our househ0ld I have to continually apologize because, well, on some days I’m an insensitive idiot.

With our grandkids, I see brawls break out randomly. It’s usually toy related. You know, “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.”

We are spared from day-to-day discipline with those kiddos. Which is fine. We put in our time with their parents. But one thing I hoped we were able to do was teach them to apologize to each other.

I’m sorry. I’ll put that right up there alongside “please” and “thank you.”

Flash forward. Is saying “I’m sorry” a skill you have? Or is that annoying and useless?

Look. I’m not advocating “peace at any price.” While I tend to go along to get along, that’s not the same thing as humility. It’s saying, “well, dang. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

That gives you a great deal of power, simply because you’ve taken the higher ground.

Diving deeper, is there anything you absolutely couldn’t apologize for? What is that? And I’m not getting into the issue of unrestricted forgiveness – that’s another blog. Actually, I think I’ve addressed that plenty of times.

It seems there might be a genuine art to apologizing, to saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it.

Here’s three steps to apologizing:

1. Humble yourself and confess up – you’ve hurt another human being. There are times when we unintentionally hurt others, but what I mean here is when you act with the intent to wound. Question – what in the name of perdition would make you want to do that? Who wins in that scenario? There’s an argument that it might make you feel better to be cruel and vindictive, but life experience has also taught us that that to live in that state corrupts your soul. Long term, you feel lousy. As that great theologian Elvis Presley sang, “Don’t be cruel.” Whether you hurt someone physically or with words and actions, recognize you’ve wounded someone.
2. Tell – using words! – the person you’ve hurt that you understand what you did was wrong. You’ve seen this – maybe even experienced it: Something along the lines of “tell your sister you’re sorry.” And the other sibling mumbles “I’m sorry” with absolutely no sincerity or acknowledgement. I’m not so sure that this doesn’t happen with adults. You apologize, you say “I’m sorry,” but there is a total disengagement between lips and heart. The key is to genuinely understand what you’ve done and what motivated it. That calls for some self-awareness and a real gut check. Do it anyway.
3. Lean into the apology. Apologize. Mean it. Say “I’m sorry.” Hug it out, if that’s appropriate. And – a biggie! – move on. It’s rear view mirror stuff from there on. Nursing a grudge, brooding over past slights, and looking for an excuse to be mean again – that’s not gonna move the moral needle in your life.

Want to be eternally angry and bitter? Never say “I’m sorry” and mean it.

There’s a basic principle here that needs to come into play. It’s simply to keep short accounts. That will make you strong.  It’ll help you build strong relationships, in families and other relationships. Once a wrong has been committed, apologize as soon as possible. Don’t let it fester.

If you’re a parent and you’ve hurt your kid in some way – maybe by not listening to them, losing your patience, yelling at them – say “I’m sorry.” You are not an infallible parent. Your kids know that anyway. It’s not going to undermine your authority. If anything, it’ll give real credibility because you’ve demonstrated you really care.

If you’re a kid, it’s the same thing. Going for that “gotcha!” with your mama or daddy isn’t going to make things any better. You blew it. It happens. Acknowledge that, say “I’m sorry,” and move on.

Move on. That causes relational miracles.

These little principles work with other relationships, too. In dealing with your friends, do the same thing. And if you want to go really audacious, apologize to your boss for being mouthy. Or if you’re a boss, tell your employee “I’m sorry” when you’ve mishandled him or her in some way. It’s easy enough to say “it’s not personal, it’s business.” Well, friend, it is personal whether we want it to be or not. Act accordingly.

So keep those short accounts. Even when you don’t want to apologize and say “I’m sorry,” show some backbone. Have the strength and courage to humble yourself and admit you messed up.

It’s Matthew 5:25, right?

Settle matters quickly with your adversaries.

You’ll feel better. Promise.

Talk soon!