Nope. I didn’t know what sonder meant, either.
Or maybe you were familiar with it, and I’m just playing catch-up.
It’s a word and a concept we need to embrace, though.
Here’s a definition, and I love the source – The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:
sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
I’ve been thinking about the implications of sonder, and have concluded it’s pretty earth-shattering.
Let’s talk about “us and them.”
Isn’t that the two camps we segregate ourselves into? Me and my people and you and your people?
These days our default position is to mistrust those who are not like us. Republican and democrat. Believer and atheist. Mask wearers and non-mask wearers. And so on.
A disclaimer: I’m rabidly conservative. There are plenty of other folks who aren’t.
But this sonder thing. I’m realizing that people who aren’t like me (they’re liberal, or atheist, or non-maskers) are not stupid or malicious. (Okay, there may be the occasional exception, but I’m not talking about them.)
They have a whole host of talents and abilities. They’ll have interesting lives and backstories. They generally want what they feel is best for society, even mankind.
I may be so far removed from them socially, politically, religiously, and otherwise that they might as well be from another planet. I wonder “What brought you to this place in life you occupy?”
I’m sure they feel the same way about me.
Go back and read that definition of sonder. Read it again.
You’re probably several steps ahead of me by now, but I’ll state the obvious: It just helps to walk a ways in their shoes.
Sometimes about mid-afternoon, if it’s not so unbearably hot, I’ll take a 20-minute break and walk down to Smith Park, a couple of blocks away. Smith Park is one of the few remaining green spaces in downtown Jackson, part of the original city plan when it was laid out a long, long time ago.
I’ll people watch from a bench. I’ll see businesspeople, government officials, laborers, the homeless – it’s a nice microcosm of the population here.
Often I’ll focus in on one person and observe them. I’ll wonder – “What’s their story? Who do they claim as family? What brought them to this place in life they now occupy? What are their beliefs, hopes, and dreams?”
And I’ll think … gee. We’re alike. Those are the same questions I ask of myself sometimes.
We can judge people all we want. They do the same thing with you. They’re human. They are Americans, and if you’re one of our foreign readers, you can think in terms of your national context.
It would be great if we could simply choose to learn what we all have in common. That’s what sonder means to me.
There is also, in concert with this, a desire, at least on social media, to convert everyone to your own worldview. I’m not saying that’s a hopeless quest, but it’s wise to understand all those other worldviews first before pouncing on others.
State your case, and walk away. Don’t devalue folks who don’t see things the same way you do.
Because (drum roll!) you can’t change anyone but yourself.
God, of course, routinely changes lives. More accurately, He “rebirths” them. Isn’t that a worthy thing to pray for? Would you not want your own life changed to conform more to His?
Ancient script says this, in Galatians 3:26-28.
26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
To make sonder personal, here’s some final thoughts:
- Everyone, and I mean everyone, you see today has a story. It’s not yours. It’s theirs. And it’s every bit as valid as yours.
- They may be wearing a MAGA hat, or have a rainbow flag on their shirts. They are human and of worth to God.
- You are not the center of their universe. Actually, you aren’t even the center of your own universe. That makes the playing ground pretty level.
- Embrace the practice of seeing everyone as adding value to the vast mosaic of life. The world would be just a little less if they weren’t in it.
- Relax. God’s got this. He has you, and He has them.
Sonder. Just know we are in all this together, no matter what your worldview.
Be well.
Tony’s Question: What do you have to conquer internally in order for sonder to be a reality in your own life? Comment below. Engage and respond. And subscribe to get some more good stuff.
I need to reach out more to my neighbors!
We have lived here for 27 years and from what i have learned we are the only ones going to church. When we moved here there was only 10 families now 150 houses have been built.