“You better listen to me.”
That’s a Mama quote if ever there was one. When Mama said that, something was about to be said that I needed to respond to. In other words, that was not a good time for my mind to drift.
There is a flip side to this. It’s a matter of you listening to someone else.
This is a rare skill. Typically, when we’re in conversation with someone, we hear their words, but we aren’t really listening. One of two things is probably happening: Either we are thinking about what we want to say next, or we’re thinking about a similar experience we’ve had.
Christian Simpson, a faculty member with the John Maxwell team (and a gentleman I’ve been studying under for the last few months – that’s a teaser of sorts for Tony’s latest venture), states that there are three levels of listening.
Level 1 is focused on our internal world. We hear the words of the other person but our focus is on what it means to us. We listen, but we’re rehearsing what we’re going to say when there’s a break. You aren’t in the moment with the other person.
Level 2 is listening to the other person with intentionality. It’s conscious and concerted listening. Your attention is laser-focused on the other person. It’s evidence that you are genuinely and authentically interested in others. There is nothing more validating than being truly listened to.
Level 3 is a global range of listening. I don’t want to go all ethereal on you, but listening at this level means you are picking up on the emotions of the other person; you sense subtle shifts in their energy, moods, and other subtleties. At this level, your intuition has kicked in. Hard and soft data merge. You have insights into the other person that is far beyond the ability of the analytical, reasoning mind.
Where do you usually find yourself? Granted, your answer will depend in part based on the person you’re having a conversation with. But I’m not talking about a random brief chat with a classmate or coworker in the hall. I’m talking about Talking.
I can tell you that this is an ongoing struggle for me. I’m such a fountain of wisdom and knowledge, it’s hard for me to bridle my tongue. People deserve to hear what I have to say, because it’s so good. So I patiently let them talk, then jump in to correct or admonish or enlighten them.
Pfft.
See what I did there? I (sorta jokingly) set myself above those who dwell in ignorant darkness. It’s already a burden for me to be right all the time. It’s an even bigger burden to be responsible for sharing that with my victim friend.
Honestly, I can’t think of any way I could be more callous and disrespectful. Probably 90% of the problems in society these days are caused by our unwillingness to listen to the other person.
This blog is all about being encouraged. Embracing hope. And yet, do you see what a hope-giver and encourager you could be by simply listening to someone as they share?
It’s a simple thing, really, to be engaged with another person in conversation. The challenge comes when you try to move from Level 1 to Level 2 or 3. Want to see someone be enthralled? Validated? Valued? Listen to them. Be authentic. Don’t fake interest.
Everyone has a story, even multiple stories. No one’s story is insignificant. It is valuable to them. And for them to be able to tell their story to someone who is genuinely interested – well, by golly, it can give them hope and encourage them. “He/she cares about me,” they think.
Of course, this is predicated on the reality that you do care. Caring may be a trait that doesn’t come easy for you. You can’t fake it. False sincerity stands out like a big ol’ zit, and there’s no covering it up.
Be authentic. Be in the moment. Don’t devalue others by being so self-absorbed. If you can encourage someone else by listening, then you’ll be encouraged in like measure. Count on it.
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Thanks, Tony! I needed this. Too often I find myself in the first scenario. I even have a T-shirt that says, ” Lord, please put your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth!” It is really complicated when trying to have a conversation with someone who is doing the same thing. However, I find it easy to really listen to a preacher, teacher, or someone I love with all my heart. Because of your blog, I aspire to attain level three. I think another one of your blogs will be key: It’s not always about me. Love is the greatest gift in our listening tool belts I believe with a dash of humility and a servant’s heart.
Good words. I definitely need to be a better listener.
Good words for sure.
“Secret to success is Sincerity. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy.” (yeah, right.)
As you so aptly pointed out, even if you fake it, you will eventually be found out. Or you will begin to grow in sincerity when you see how meaningful and hope-giving it can be. That’s my story–I’m sticking to it. 🙂