Print Friendly Version

I hope I never get to the place where I take friends for granted. What good are friends, anyway?

I have a gazillion or so acquaintances. There is a significantly smaller percentage of those I call friends. Then there is a scant handful of folks I would consider true friends. What good are they?

Lord knows I can be negligent of them. It’s not because of some sinister design, of wanting to push people away. It comes more from a sense of self-protection. Or I just forget to keep up with them. And, to my everlasting grief, I tend to be all or nothing. Either I benignly neglect you, or I’m obnoxiously all-in.

For instance – if you’re my friend, and I reach out to you, then you can be assured that I’ve let you be a crucial part of a tiny circle. That’s by personal design. (And, candidly, if you’re in that circle and I reach out to you and you blow me off, I won’t love you any less, but I’m done.)

I want friends in my life who will have those rich, convoluted, dense conversations with me. Or not; sometimes it’s nice to share time together in silence. It just depends. I’m just not sure of what it depends on.

I don’t feel that I need a lot of friends. Just a few suit me. I like having plenty of folks around I have an affinity for, but to invest myself in someone who is only interested in shallowness? Uh-uh. I don’t have the energy or capacity for that. I’ll smile politely, and be congenial. That’s as far as it will go.

I’m guessing you have your own criteria that dictates what kind of friends you want or need. I just puked mine all over you. You can come up with your own.

I would say this: We were created social animals. We’re part of a tribe. How that works out in real-life terms for you depends on your makeup. I don’t think you need to apologize for that, or pretend to be something you aren’t. You just be. I don’t know that being a total hermit is ideal, but again, to thine ownself be true.

Just don’t overthink things (which is exactly what I’m doing right now. Ack.)

Rather than letting this be a passive blog that you read and toss aside, would you accept a little assignment from me? You can do this in your head, of course, but it might be informative for you to grab some paper and a pen.

I made myself a list – these are 10 traits I value in my friends. This gets back to my “What good are friends, anyway?”question.

1. Loyalty. I don’t have a lot of use for those who’d ditch me, unless I deserved to be ditched. I want folks who are supportive, encouraging, and at least attempt to be understanding.
2. Sense of humor. You either have this one or you don’t. I want folks who can laugh at themselves and their own absurdities. If you take yourself too seriously, you’re gonna annoy me. And as awful as the world can be these days, you gotta admit that some things that people get all worked up about are actually pretty funny.  Even absurd. (Maybe this is an “eye of the beholder” thing, so keep your hate mail to a minimum.)
3. Compassion. Your default attitude should be “grace and mercy.” Care, and care deeply. Be empathetic. Don’t pretend that you care when you really don’t. Have a cause, and be patient and understanding with those who don’t share the same passions. They have passions of their own. Don’t devalue them – and don’t let them devalue you, either. I think it’s a matter of seeing the world as God sees it.
4. Understanding. That also has a lot to do with tolerance. Be willing to say, “I see.” Going back to our hard-wiring, we all have different world views. Here’s a trait I want in a friend: Be able to try to understand other viewpoints before trying to explain your own. Look: I have some stances that are non-negotiables. If you try to change them, I will give you a polite hearing and not devalue you, even if I think you’re an idiot. (That’s a joke. Sorta.) There is still room in society, to some extent, to have a “live and let live” attitude. At least try to understand where the other person is coming from. That doesn’t mean you have to accept their views. Just listen, even when hollering might be more fun for you. (A caveat: if you are a Christian, and are dealing with a brother or sister in spiritual or scriptural error, don’t forget we’re accountable to each other.)
5. A “ministry of presence.” I don’t know where I first heard that term, but I love it. If you’ve ever been in a situation facing death or a critical illness in someone else, you may have wondered, “What am I supposed to say?” I mean, you don’t want to make things worse. That’s where this “ministry of presence” thing comes in. Just being there, even being silent, is always the right thing. I want that in my friends, even if I’m well. Just be there. You don’t have to keep me engaged in conversation.
6. Honesty without cruelty. Yes, please, be honest with me. But do it in the context of loving me. If I’m wrong, I need to know that. Just don’t be mean. Honesty is always a virtue, but it’s not a club to beat someone up with. Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you have to. And if your exercise in honesty is designed to make some point, and to make you feel superior, your motives are screwed up.
7. Godly. I think this should have the first position in my list (even though they’re not in any particular order.) If you don’t have Jesus, then I can’t share the most important thing in my life with you. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It just means that there is a missing component that will keep our relationship from being as rewarding and complete as it could be.
8. Patient with me. I could camp on this one for days. I have this well-developed ability to be awkward – say things that I regret, or that don’t make sense, or simply look and act uncomfortable. Just ride that out with me, okay? I mean well. My motives are mostly pure. But if I talk like I’m a cross between a babbling two-year-old and a stroke victim, you’re going to have to understand that.
9. Lets me be authentic. I don’t want to have to tiptoe around you. I want to be able to be real. I can sense a phony a mile away. Don’t ever lie to me. I’ll know it, and you’ll know that I know it, even if I don’t call you out. Being real is one of the highest virtues. I want you around me if you’ll give me that freedom.
10. Forgiving. For the life of me, I can’t find a loophole in this forgiveness command from God. You always forgive. Always. It doesn’t mean that you approve, nor does it mean you have to maintain an intimate relationship with someone who has wronged you. Just forgive. And forgive me – I can assure you, if I’m your friend, there will be times when I will disappoint you.

Now. Go make a list of your ten. I think it’ll be an eye-opening exercise.

What good are friends, anyway?

God sends them.

Allow God to give you your friends. The friends He sends your way will be there when you yearn for those long talks – for listening to you when you’re breaking down, during the days that are struggles and the nights are unusually long.

Those friends bring the sun when you’re drowning in the rain.

Your comments, as always, are encouraged and welcomed.