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I’d like to introduce you to my good friend, Maggie Traxler. I’ve known Maggie for some years now, and I’ve found her to be a very insightful, wise young lady. She, like the rest of us, has faced some “stuff.” But I’ve been honored to watch God mold her and shape her into someone she didn’t used to be, and that’s a good thing. I asked her to share with y’all today. I appreciate her, and I trust you’ll be encouraged as I’ve been.

Life has been difficult lately. I’ve been working through some heavy things that I’ve carried around for a long time. Now that I’m healing, I’m starting to truly understand myself.

For the last several years, I’ve been on a traumatic journey. And somewhere along the way, I reverted into a sort of “survival mode.” My brain started dissociating me with what I was going through in order to cope with it all.

I don’t really know when it started, but I can identify symptoms until about 3 years back. It’s kind of weird playing catch up with your mind with roughly 3 years’ worth of experiences. It’s also extremely painful.

There have been moments in the last few months that I’ve wanted to put my fist through a wall. There have also been sleepless, tear-filled nights, and countless hours of staring blankly into a dark room. I spend a lot more time alone now than ever before. I feel a lot of emotions, but mostly I feel drained.

But through all of the grief and anger and emptiness I’ve been feeling, I’m now noticing a positive trend.

I have hope again.

It’s scary to have hope. A part of me keeps wanting to give it up, because I don’t want to feel the devastation of my hope dying again.

But even so, my hope has kept growing. I’m making future plans again. I’m starting to believe in the dreams I had given up on. I’m starting to not fear vulnerability. I’m starting to reconnect with my passions.

Interestingly though, my creative tendencies have started to thrive again. I’m craving art and music and literature, and I’m so thankful for it. Creativity has always been a defining characteristic for me. So I’m finally starting to feel like me again.

Today, I spent hours and hours just drawing. Drawing whatever I could think of to express what I’m feeling. I trashed a lot of sketches, but this one finally meant something to me. It’s not my best, by far. But I see it as a symbol of my newly discovered hope.

I feel as though the eyes of my soul, if you will, have been glued shut with fear for so long. But now, I want to open them. I want to look forward to tomorrow rather than fearing it. I want to experience the joys life has to offer. I want to fight for myself. I want to let people in.

I want to live.

So, here’s to the future. Here’s to hope. And here’s to faith. Because faith is the only reason I’m still here.

But mostly, here’s to living life with eyes wide open.