Do you have any fake relationships? Let me explain.
I know lots of people. Actually, it seems that a lot of people know me, and I don’t know them. Part of it is the nature of my job; I’m all over the state, frequently in lots of churches, and have met tons of students and adults over the years. So when I run up on someone who says “Hey, Tony!” I just roll with it. Or I’ll be honest and say, “Hey! But I’m gonna need a little help here.” Most folks are gracious and understanding.
But the fake relationship thing. That’s touchy.
It’s touchy because there are some people I love being around. I just got back from a visit to Metro Vancouver/Maple Ridge, British Columbia. Those are some forevermore special friends up there. For an introvert, I was over-the-top chatty and engaged with them. It was balm for my soul, and I miss them already. And there are plenty of folks stateside that I love to be around, too.
Others make me cringe. It’s those folks I see in the grocery store from a distance, and I want to abandon my buggy in the aisle and head for the door. It’s that person that I know who wants to chat me up for an hour without saying anything. Then there are those clingy folks, and that friend from college I haven’t heard from in ages who wants to share a business opportunity with me.
And sometimes it might even be that really good friend who wants something from me I can’t give. That’s not a fake relationship, but it’s one that sometimes, briefly, I just can’t accommodate.
In church work, it’s that standard “How ya doing?” question, with my response, “I’m doing just fine.”
It’s “just fine” because I’m just not in a place where I can engage, and truthfully, we ask that question not wanting much more than “I’m fine. And you?” The next response is “I’m fine, too.” That’s the bizarre little conversational dance we find ourselves in.
This isn’t a bad thing, and it can be foundational to more conversation, but fact is I/we can be nice without being honest.
It may be that pretending to care (God help me – I may sometimes be guilty of that!) or to pretend to be someone else for a few moments is easier than investing in another person. Well, there’s your fake relationships right there. Surface level relationships drain me so bad. I can do small talk for a while, and be pretty convincing, but at some point, we gotta go deeper or go home.
My burdensome realization? We just aren’t made for bogus, fake relationships.
God isn’t particularly interested in our reputations. He calls for blatant authenticity. We’re supposed to be relational (and if I’m invested in you, I’m all in. Maybe that’s a good thing. I want to believe it is, even when it drains me.)
The personally sobering fact is that we are all created for authentic relationships that help us connect with others. And for someone who can be pretty content with hanging out with myself and Jesus, to the semi-exclusion of those around me – this is a challenge. I ain’t gonna lie.
But – and this is a big but – I never, ever intend to be that fake friend. I’m either real or I’m not. I love everyone, and that’s the unvarnished truth. My friend group is pretty limited, but I do well with folks outside of it. For a while, at least – then I’ll need to go lay down and recharge.
I do understand, though, that my nature can cripple relationships with those around me. So, in order to escape the trap of fake relationships, there are some steps I can take. Here are three:
- When we aren’t open and even a bit vulnerable, we can lose sight of grace. If I pretend to have it all together and be the life of the party, I can disengage from my group and can forget who I am in Jesus. It takes a lot of unhealthy effort to pretend to be something we aren’t. We can forget that we’re God’s children, and we don’t need to perform or pretend for Him. It’s not like we need to parade our goodness before Him, or convince Him that our lives are Instagram perfect. We forget grace; He’s accepting of us no matter what we do or what we think. Lose sight of grace, and you’re gonna be one hurtin’ puppy.
- If we aren’t vulnerable, it’s hard to have friendships that are blessed. This vulnerability thing – in my case, I’m not going to let you know anything meaningful about me, or I’m going to puke all over you and possibly give you more reality than you can handle. Lord have mercy, how hard it is to find that sweet spot balance! But shallow friendships aren’t much fun, over the long haul. I mean – if we can’t share some hurt with our friends, how can we share in the joys? If you look at Jesus, He was the real deal with everyone – friends, disciples, family, Pharisees, the Romans. He was authentic. So if authenticity makes us more like Jesus, maybe that’s a virtue worth cultivating.
- When we’re not vulnerable, we just can’t love others like we should. That’s fertile ground for some fake relationships. I don’t know if you’re a people-pleaser – I’ll cop to having those tendencies, but not as much as I did when I was younger – but trying to live up to others’ expectations is going to make you really tired. Furthermore, people-pleasing isn’t loving the other person. If you love someone, you want the best for them. It follows that since we’re screwed-up humans, what we want is often not what we need. If we’re going to love appropriately, we can’t be controlled by their opinions. When we’re honest with our friends and families, we have more freedom to love them because we aren’t wasting our energy trying to present ourselves as someone or something we aren’t.
The unpleasant reality is that we may have some fake relationships. To make those relationships authentic can be hard.
If we can be honest and real without being needy or manipulative, then we are well down the road to authenticity, and fake relationships won’t have to be the norm. We can more effectively follow Jesus and love people even better.
Having an authentic relationship with Jesus can make us more like Him, and it’s so worth it.
Talk later!