Getting personal. Or, perhaps, more accurately – getting interpersonal.

You’ve heard this from me before, but … I’m an introvert (and a Myers-Briggs INFJ, enneagram 4, etc., which is maybe only interesting to me.)

The product of those personality traits is that I can “people,” but only for so long. Then I have to find a way to recharge.

Solitude does that for me.

But this getting personal thing? That means that I have to spend a chunk of time being interpersonal.

That’s an acquired skill. I’m pretty good at it. And listen – I genuinely like people. There’s absolutely no one I hate, and only a scant handful of people that I don’t particularly like to spend time with – I guess that’s a benign form of dislike.

I’m commanded to love everyone, of course. That’s not dependent on feelings. That’s an act of the will. Again, that’s easy, most of the time.

Dealing with life means dealing with people.

That may excite you, or it may make you cringe. It all depends on how you communicate. Ultimately, it’s all about how you communicate.

My understanding is that there are four basic types of communication:

• Aggressive
• Passive
• Passive-aggressive
• Assertive

I won’t unpack these now (mostly because I can’t remember where I read or heard this). What I do recall, though, that being assertive is the way to communicate. And to get personal – or interpersonal – hinges on how well we communicate.

The desire is to be assertive without being obnoxious, or letting assertiveness mutate into aggressiveness.

So, here’s a little exercise. Again, I can’t claim this as original, but even Google isn’t helpful here. I don’t know where I got this. It’s just random journal notes from somewhere. (I don’t want to have some sort of copyright infringement anywhere, so if any of y’all can identify the source, I’ll be happy to give credit.)

Do this.

Think of a social situation you find yourself in that’s kind of rocky. What does that look like? Are you being given unwelcome, unsolicited advice? Are you trying to advise someone  that isn’t interested in what you have to say? Might you have to face confronting someone? Have a come to Jesus talk? Or are you simply socially awkward?

Maybe it’s something else. Come up with your own issue.

Now, what’s the best way you can handle this situation? Remember, this is getting personal.

1. You might try being more objective. This means disengaging from the issue, stepping back, and not letting your emotions rule the day. This means you may need to “practice the pause.” Know what I mean?
2. Think about simply strengthening the relationship. Maybe you need to be more connecting. Perhaps being more transparent. This is risky, for sure, but it might be just what you need to do. It’s making yourself vulnerable, and I can’t offer counsel here. You’ll need to know yourself and the other person if you take this approach.
3. Just follow through. Your gut has guided you, and you need to stick to your guns. Again, this can be perilous. If someone tells you to “follow your heart,” run away. That’s just about the worst advice someone can take.

Armed with this decision, it’s time to polish and invoke your social skills. Remember – the bottom line is to encourage both yourself and the other person. And hope for the best, as always. However, you can take these steps to make sure this isn’t a groundless hope.

Seven steps:

1. Describe the situation. Here’s where you get to practice objectivity. You want to settle facts in your own mind.
2. After you’ve settled on facts, then you can bring your thoughts and emotions into the mix. This is purely subjective.
3. Get to the point with the person you’re communicating with. That’s a courtesy to them and it keeps you from having to tread water. Ask for what you want or need. Be direct!
4. Go back through the first three steps, and reinforce them. If the person you’re communicating with looks like they’re catching on, that’s great. Reinforce it!
5. Keep your head in the exchange. Make sure your goal in communicating is in the forefront of your thinking. It’s all about being mindful. Don’t second guess what you’re saying, and don’t run out ahead of the conversation. Stay in the moment. Just don’t forget your goal.
6. Be confident. This can be tricky, because folks can sense if you’re wavering or uncertain. Practice body language, the tone of your voice, and the cadence of your speech. Look folks in the eye. At the same time, you have to be authentic. If I could figure out how best to do this personally, I’d write a book.
7. Be wiling to negotiate. This works on a personal and a professional level. You can go back and forth a little. It won’t kill you. As they say, “half a loaf is better than no loaf at all.” I’m not talking about compromising your values. It’s simply a matter of being wise and choosing what’s worth doing to get what you want or need in the end.

Think back on the social situation you could use a little help with. Work it through this process.

I can’t promise you a miracle fix, but I do think this will equip you for better results.

I hope this hasn’t been too clinical for you. My goal, as always, is to encourage you and give you hope. I don’t know of any area of life we need to work on than in the realm of relationships, and how to communicate in them.

This is getting personal. That’s the point.

Getting personal means getting interpersonal. Go and be wise.