Quit complaining. Have you ever said that – or wanted to say that – to someone?

Or have you ever been told to quit complaining? And you complained because someone said that to you?

I have always felt like I was patient to a fault. But in my old age, and since I’m trying to qualify for my curmudgeon credentials, my tolerance level for complainers of all ages, genders, life conditions, etc., is getting progressively lower.

As I told a close friend, “My grace and mercy reservoir is about drained.” That’s not typical for me, but man. Sometimes you’ve just had enough, right?

Here are some thoughts. I’d like for you to (a) be able to develop some coping skills when dealing with complainers, and (b) how to recognize your own tendencies toward complaining and consequently do something about it.

First, complaining might be good in some ways but it’s an awful long-term condition to be in.

Here’s why:

1. It really doesn’t help much. While there is perhaps some benefit occasionally in “venting,” to remain in that state for too long is going to poison your soul.
2. Folks won’t want to be around you. Granted, some people feed off others’ misery. It’s that old “misery loves company” idea. Most everyone, though, would prefer to be positive and upbeat, and be around folks who are the same.
3. But – being in the presence of chronic complainers is sort of like being exposed to secondhand smoke. You run the risk of developing the disease they have.

Second, who wants to be known as a whiner?

You know that person, right? It’s too hot, or too cold. The government is responsible for all their woes. No one understands them. Money is too hard to come by. We sure do need some rain. The sun hasn’t been out for days. And so forth.

And third, complaining causes you to lose sight of what’s really right and positive.

It’s a gratitude thing. More on that in a bit.

So how do you deal with a complainer? What can you do besides just telling them to “quit complaining?”

1. You have to decide if you need to offer support or run away. They may have a valid complaint worth your attention.
2. Acknowledge that you aren’t going to change them.
3. Understand that people tend to mirror the mood of those around them. Make sure that your own attitude affects them, and guard against them impacting you.
4. If their negativity and complaining starts dragging you down, figure out ways to limit contact. Easier said than done, right?
5. Adopt my mama’s attitude: “It’s just their way.” If complaining is a personality trait they have, and they embrace it, you just have to gut it out – unless there’s a way you can disengage from them with honor and integrity.

So, what can you do if you’re the complainer? What if you know you need to stop complaining?

1. Learn to recognize that trait in yourself. If you can handle the truth, ask someone you trust to shoot straight with you.
2. If people tend to avoid you, see if your negativity and complaining is a factor.
3. Ask yourself: “Am I getting some kind of validation or attention from others when I complain?”
4. Understand that complaining can literally rewire your brain. Seriously. Research has shown that complaining and negativity causes an increase in cortisol, the steroid hormone that is responsible for the “fight or flight” response. That’s not bad if you’re being chased by a rhino, but not so good on a daily basis.
5. Probably the simplest solution is just to keep your mouth shut.

However, the no-fail, works-every-time solution is to practice gratitude.

“But Tony,” you say, “you have no idea how lousy my life is.”

I don’t. I have noticed in myself that the skill of practicing gratitude can easily get atrophied if it isn’t exercised.

Here’s your practical assignment. Don’t argue with me. Don’t make excuses. Just do it. It’ll move you in the right direction to quit complaining.

1. You are going to get yourself a journal. Splurge on a nice one. It’s just more meaningful and valuable if it’s attractive and functional.
2. BUT – if that sounds lame to you, get a spiral notebook. Or a McDonald’s bag. Something is better than nothing.
3. You can use a digital tool, but there’s magic in writing in longhand.
4. In the morning, before you start your day, do this: In your journal, I want you to write down what you’re thankful for – at least three things. And if you can’t come up with three … wait. I’m not buying that. If you have a pulse, have the promise of food, and can find shelter, there’s three right there.
5. At night, right before bedtime, get that journal out again. Here’s what you’re going to write: (1) Your lessons learned. What happened today that taught you something, good or bad? (2) Wins. What did you do that was successful? It doesn’t have to be big or of enduring significance. (3) Gratitude. Write at least three things you’re thankful for. It could be repeats of what you wrote this morning. But shoot for at least three.

Don’t skip a day, unless you have some sort of genuine compelling reason to do so. And write, write, write. A mental list isn’t going to cut it. You have to get it out of your head and in front of you so you can see it.

In the realm of feelings, to NOT complain is simply going to make you feel better. That would be welcome, right? And by not complaining, you join that elite group of people who are known by their positivity, who brighten a room when they enter it, and just display that undefinable “something” others aspire toward.

Quit complaining. It can be done.