We are all broken in some fashion, aren’t we? And brokenness can manifest itself in broken relationships.
This is a theme I tend to return to often, Broken relationships are just excruciating. Let’s suss this out, and let me see if we can get some guidance here.
You know where I’m coming from, right? And the fact is there are two sides to this particular coin, and we’ve hurt others just as much as they’ve hurt us.
There are broken people living with broken people in a broken world, and that leads to even more brokenness.
We don’t understand how much power we hold to cut down, wound, and affect the hearts of other people. We can be devastated by others.
Here’s what I’m talking about. Can you relate?
Psalm 55:12-14, 19b-21
“It is not an enemy who taunts me-
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me-
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you- my equal,
My companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
As we walked together to the house of God…
..My enemies refuse to change their ways;
They do not fear God.
As for my companion, he betrayed his friends;
He broke his promises.
His words are as smooth as butter,
But in his heart is war.
His words are as soothing as lotion,
But underneath are daggers!”
Yikes. Can you think of a time when someone close to you hurt you? Did you feel broken after this?
So.
What can we do when we’re hurt by others?
Redemption is a root theme of scripture. It’s God’s role to take broken things and put them back together, and this includes relationships. It’s a cooperative effort; He’ll do His part, but we can’t be passive. Every hurtful situation is unique to the parties involved, and reconciliation is easier in some scenarios than others. Still, I believe there are some principles at work.
1. Healing from brokenness is God’s gift.
This is God’s role, and healing always comes from Him and no one else. If you’ve been hurt, then the person who hurt you can’t fix you. And if you’ve hurt someone else, you don’t have the power to heal them. Our role is to tear down all the barriers of pain and resentment we put in the other person’s path, and then step back and let God fix what is broken.
2. God’s goal is to bring beauty out of every brokenness.
You may have been the wounded, or you may have inflicted the wounds. Be comforted knowing God is the redeemer in all things, and He’ll bring beauty out of brokenness we cause or experience. This is the only hope in a world where we as people hurt others, and they end up broken.
3. Jesus heals.
Christ cares when people are broken and hurt by others. God hasn’t made all things new yet. Ultimately, He will. At the cross, he took action against our brokenness, He brings beauty out of brokenness now, and He will ultimately redeem relational brokenness forever.
4. Pray before taking any action.
This should be self-evident, but if you’re broken, this is a step in restoration. Remember you can’t fix this. So you have to ask for wisdom, patience, and love. Invite God to do what you can’t.
5. Don’t put off apologizing.
No apology, no reconciliation. Simple, right? But don’t put it off. Rather than wait for the other person to make the first move, jump in. It takes two people to mess up a relationship, but three to mend what is broken – that’s what God does. Insisting you didn’t do anything wrong leads to hurt and resistance, so you have to be vulnerable. Own your actions.
6. Forgive the other person.
You have great power. The power to forgive! Lots of times, being broken comes from a past wound that one or more people created, and while that wound festers, there can be no restoration. Forgiveness, then, needs to be at the front end in order to deal with brokenness.
7. Listen carefully, talk caringly.
So much of being in a broken relationship comes from us not really listening to them and striving to understand them. Listen, and don’t sit there rehearsing what you want to say when they take a breath. And, you for sure want to watch the words you say and how to say them.
8. Admit your own failings.
Being broken means acknowledging sometimes you can break yourself. This is a companion thought to Number 5 above. Instead of trying to win another argument, check out James 5:16 and confess any sins you’ve committed against that person. Take responsibility for what has happened.
9. Pursue peace.
There is a real chance you might never see eye-to-eye with the other person. You may not get the closure you want. That’s okay, because remember – it isn’t about winning! It’s a matter of realizing you both are broken, and you want to work on that relationship so it can be restored.
10. Know that, in some cases, the most necessary thing is to just walk away.
I hate this. There are some relationships that are so broken that even after prayer, pleas for forgiveness, and doing all you know to do for restoration, there may be some barriers that can’t be broken down by human hands. At that point, it’s time to step back and ask God to step in and be God. This isn’t a move to be taken lightly, because it might be perceived as a fresh wound. Again, God’s got this, and you can be at peace knowing you’ve done what you needed to do.
One thing for sure: If you are a believer, God works all the events of this life together for good. That means that nothing, and I mean nothing you do or that is done to you is irredeemable. God wants to bring beauty from your relational pain and brokenness and use it to sanctify you and bring about healing from being broken.
O be joyful.
Talk soon!