Disappointment. Show of hands – who enjoys being disappointed?
I don’t see any. I’m appalled. I thought everyone likes being disappointed and let down.
This, of course, is a poking the bear kind of question, and if you’ve read my stuff for any length of time, you know I have an agenda.
Disappointment is absolutely part of the whole package of life we have. Things are not going to go your way all the time, or even most of the time.
You’ve been let down by someone. Circumstances have smothered you. And, most assuredly, you’ve been disappointed in yourself because you were an idiot.
Fret not, reader. Let’s talk about recovering from disappointment. Disappointment doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Here are six thoughts about recovering from disappointment, in no particular order. I rather like these:
1 – Acknowledge your feelings.
Don’t pretend like everything is okay. It isn’t. You are disappointed. I’ll let you curate your own list of things that disappoint you; this thought applies to all of them.
You’re hurt, mad, confused, and bummed-out. I don’t intend to give you license to drag others into your little cesspool. Spare them. Talk about how you’re feeling with someone you trust and can show some empathy (as opposed to showing pity.) More on that later.
The point: you are a hurtin’ puppy. Admit that to yourself. You are not some sort of wimp because you are feeling bad.
You have to – appropriately! – allow yourself to feel and express the emotions that come with disappointment. That might include sadness, frustration, and flat-out anger. Be good with that.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
2 – Practice self-care.
Our culture talks a lot about mindfulness. That’s good; it is entirely appropriate to stay in touch with yourself, and take steps to fix things when you’re all out of whack. Chances are you know what to do to take care of yourself. The sticking point is actually taking the steps to do that, even if it’s not a pleasant task.
Dealing with disappointment means taking care of your emotional and physical well-being. Get enough sleep. Eat right, whatever that looks like to you. Do something mindless and fun, as long as you don’t get hurt or hurt someone else.
If you’re a believer, then self-care means letting God have His healing way with you.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
3 – Reframe the situation.
This is so basic it’s profound. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, consider what you can learn from the experience and what positive aspects you can take from it.
If you’re disappointed, there has to be a reason for it. So – isolate the event, mindset, or situation, glean what you can from it, and move on.
It comes down to looking at the situation from a different perspective. I promise there is something good to come from it, even if it’s “I’ll never do that again!”
Of course, if you go back and do “that” again, then you’re missing a big point. Plus, you’ve learned you aren’t very bright and need to make some changes. You can change, y’know. God is in the business of changing hearts, lives, and even minds. If you feel trapped and are beating yourself up, God wants to intervene. He understands that, in the flesh, you are floundering.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5
4 – Set realistic expectations.
It’s important to have realistic expectations for the future to avoid disappointment.
Life is a one-day-at-a-time proposition. This is not a license to avoid planning and setting goals. I am one of the most obsessive goal setters you’ll ever meet. I’ll plan my day in advance, typically the night before. I block out time for specific tasks. My paper planner is my external brain; the internal one is subject to fog and forgetfulness. Maybe I’m a little OC. Or a lot.
Anyway, the point is to set achievable goals and understand that setbacks are a normal part of life.
You are going to blow it occasionally, often in spectacular fashion. That’s okay. Keep your expectations for the future where they need to be. You won’t lose 20 pounds in a week no matter how disciplined your diet is.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13
5 – Seek support.
You don’t have to face disappointment alone. Unless you’re a total hermit who’s withdrawn from society, there is someone – perhaps multiple someones – that can help you process what you’re feeling. Talking to an empathetic friend or family member can be transformative. And don’t forget about a pastor or other trusted Christian.
Or, if you don’t have any friends or family, how about a mental health professional? Actually, that might be a better choice than a family member or friend, because a professional won’t pity you. Being pitied is not what you want if you’re dealing with disappointment.
You’re looking for a fresh perspective. Help is available. Repeat after me: “There is no shame in asking for help.” This isn’t the 80’s. It is totally acceptable to recognize you’re a hot mess and need a little propping up.
It’s hard for some people to admit they need help. If that’s you, in love … don’t be that person.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4
6 – Focus on what you can control.
Think (but don’t overthink) this: There is precious little in this world you can control. There is so much you can’t change. There’s nothing you can do, for example, about Chinese spy balloons. Don’t dwell on things like that. It’ll make you crazy. I’d wager there isn’t much you can do about the stock market. I’d even go as far as to say that if you have a critically ill loved one, that’s out of your hands, too.
Of course you pray, and pray earnestly. That’s not what I’m talking about.
Rather, I’m advocating focusing your energy on what you can control. The primary focus of what you can control is you. You control you. You are in charge of your actions, attitudes, and words.
I can’t overemphasize this, and it was late in life before I internalized it: You have the power to choose, which means that you have the power to change.
Be patient and kind to yourself. Focus on the steps you can take to move forward. Do not get yourself in a place that convinces you that you’re stuck the way you are. You are not.
I’m not a motivational speaker. But I am telling you – you are going to be disappointed in yourself more than you are with other people. Recovering from disappointment? Start with you. You have extraordinary God-given power to move on. Lean on Him.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6